Love thyself?!

I was watching something on the box and the topic was to do with weight loss and feeling good about one's self.

The host of the show had written a book on weightloss and I presume the guests had used her book to lose weight and set thier lives straight….(I caught the program half way done!)

A recurring theme from the guests in narrating thier experiences went something like this:

"I did not love myself or like myself, so I ate and ate and just felt that I did not deserve anything good"

One guest went on to say:

"Since I felt I  did not deserve anything good, I stopped eating, bathing and combing my hair"

And so it went, all 7/8 guests said something to that effect… and one would not be wrong in concluding that the host/author was peddling the idea that people may be overweight or underweight due to the fact that they do not love themselves.

Now my question here is this: Does not loving thyself equate with low self-esteem? And when do the occassional bouts of low self esteem slip into the hating thyself category.

I have a confession to make, I have never ever not loved myself. I have never ever thought that I do not deserve anything good. If anything, I have always felt, I deserve all the good things that could happen to a person . What I am trying to say is that I do not understand when people say "I did not love myself, I do not think I deserve anything good"… I just don't get that way of thinking.

I believe like everyone on earth, I suffer the occassional bout of low self esteem or hyper self awareness due to whatever anormality I may be feeling that day…eg 2 days ago it was bigus forehead awaretisis, some days it jelly belly-sis and I used to have serious case of Teethus Focus….. but I do not feel it  ever warranted me not loving myself.

I LOVE MYSELF. I REALLY LIKE MYSELF as well. With all my hangups, my big mouth, and all that… I gotta admit I love myself. I have not always been the best person I can be.. .but let it be said here and now and recorded for time to come MREMBO LOVES HERSELF (and on special days, she thinks she is all that and then some!!!!!!)
Have a self loving day!! 

Something lovely!

First things first, I got my hair done! hooray for Mrembo!! 

I met a lovely lady who has a daughter who plaits hair… hey presto, I hooked up with Ms Thang and got my hair done. I have been like since it was done. It means no more hair in the sink every day, no more plaiting it at night, no more fussing. The only down side is that since the braids are new and given I have scantly distributed hair folicles, the partitions on my head are shiny and clearly visible and my big ass forehead is distracting everyone (as you can tell I am suffering from a mild case of bigus forehead aware-tisis……Tyra ain't got shit on me!!!!!). Its all good!!!

I managed to break my glasses. Luckily enough, the lens did not break, only popped out of the frame; the string that holds the lens to the frame broke. So off to the shop recommended by family. The attendant took the glasses, fixed them at no charge!I was stressing all night about the cost blah blah…. I am pleased as a bun! That was my lovely event for the day.

I recently had a conversation with a young little thing that left me with a bad sad feeling. Ignorance is a very bad thing. It really is and I know I may be preaching to the choir, but I need to vent. Ms Thang, who did my hair, is a striking young african girl. The first thing that strikes you when you meet her is her color. She is very light skinned, but more yellowy kinda light skinned than brown. When introduced to me by her mother, I was a tad surprised. She looked nothing like her mother who is dark skinned. Anyway.. I went on with my business till the day of the appointment to do my hair. 

I get to her digz and wait a coupla.. more like 20 mins for her to arrive. Finally she gets home and we go into her pleasantly surprisingly lovely clean and neat bedsit. (won't lie, I was relieved. Didn't want to spend the day in some dirty home, wondering what is crawling up my legs!). Chit chat here and there, we get to the business of doing my hair. We getting talking and in like 10 mins (yeah, I'm a bit slow…) I figure me and her really do not have much in common… but I keep the chat going on.. I need her to be doing my hair….

Some hours later, I got up to use the bathroom and while in there I happened to observe 3 tubs of Skin Lightening Cream. I am talking tubs, not bottles or small jars, but like 3 kilo tubs. I stared at the tubs, trying to comprehend. I left the bathroom. My curiosity and was piqued kabisa. Before visiting the bathroom she had given me her album to see pics of her family… I had noted that her sisters were brown and her brothers were like me..and didn't think much of it….so we keep talking, and all the while I am trying to get a look at her legs. She was wearing tights and socks, so I could see nothing, lakini, her chest was exposed and it matched her face so… again… I didn't think much….

The tubs of skin lightening cream had changed everything. I was shocked and in awe kabisa. I then noticed another tub of cream sitting on her small table in the living room… finally I just had to ask after she said:

Ms. Thang: My dad is half french half……

Mrembo:..oh really, I did not know that… but I had noticed you and your sisters are rather brown…..so how come you use that cream (pointing to the tub on the table)

Ms. Thang: YOu know since I came to this country, the whether is soooo bad and I started getting spots like this….(she shows me two blotches  of discoloration on her under arm) so I decided to continue using African creams!!!!!! instead of the Muzungu creams which do not work on me…my mother said it is best to do that…

Mrembo: (Totally shocked not even knowing what to say).. ah…ok

Now here is the thing, I believe that the girl has some white blood in her… what I did not understand was the need for the cream, I managed to get a peek at her legs and they are like mine…. it was a surreal experince…I felt so sad for her, and at the same time did not the whole thing left a bad taste in my mouth.

Moral of the story…..

"FAIR AND LOVELY" and all the others are wrong wrong wrong…..

FAT Denial!!

FACT: I am growing fat!!
No excuses, no drama, none of that, inescapble and undeniable!

I have watched enough Oprah and Dr Phil to know all about emotional eating blah blah blah… and have always wondered what catergory I and those like me fall into.
I am not an emotional eater
I am not addicted to food.

I LOVE MY FOOD AND I AM LAZY TO CHANGE MY WAY OF EATING.

I know my metabolism has changed and I can no longer eat the way I ate 5 years ago… but aieh! My weight gain is slow.. very slow.. but sure/ steady. 5 kilos in 5 years and they just will not shift… forget all the workouts and stuff. This has led me to this conclusion.. one I have tried and tried to disprove I have to watch what I eat and couple it with workouts…ugh!

I watch “E Entertainment” Channel quite a bit …(eh, I know.. get a life) and love all those shows about “How Stars Stay Trim”, ´”How to look like a Hollywood Star”.. .all that garbage….Anyway, on one of the shows, one of the ladies.. (don’t remember who) said
“Of course I live a life of deprivation and hunger, of course I am always hungry”
My reaction to that was… “amenena ukewli” (she has spoken the truth)

I want to look a certain way and not have certain things jiggling and hanging out… ..
Workout + change of diet = Fly Mrembo!!
Workout + no change of diet = Mrembo.. slowly but surely gaining.. though still looking good
No workout + no diet change = not a possiblity in Mrembo’s world!!

My goal weight is 68kgs… might look a little sick.. but that leaves me enough room to eat.. up to 73 kilos which is my absolute ideal weight!

So lets see how this will go.
TARGET: Loose a half a kilo a week.

YOU CAN DO THIS MREMBO.. YOU CAN BECAUSE YOU ARE!!!

Danish 101

I had my first classroom lesson in Danish on Tuesday.  It was an eye opening expereince.

Sometime back 2 lovely ladies: one russian, the other namibian had shared their expereinces with me about thier relocation to this place. It was interesting and more or less comforting …( a case of misery loving company). One of the things they had stressed was about my lessons was to ensure that I was not put into a class with people who were not literate.

DISCLAIMER: I AM NOT A PREJUCIDED PERSON (ok so that is a kasmall lie, I do have issues with a certain group of people but God in working on me and I am trying to help Him a little bit and I ain't proud of this little fact… but we are being honest…. aren't we).

Got to the class and after the introductions knew  I was in the wrong class. They are all nice people blah blah, but none not a single of them was/is literate. They have been in the the school for 7plus months and still in beginners class, stage one!!!!!!!

The first break we had, I asked the teacher how much private lessons cost.

Thing is, unlike the rest of the class and those in the advanced class, I PAY for my lessons. So I will not and cannot be sitting in a class with a bunch of lazy ass, interrupt teacher, speak my language in class hill billies and have them hold me back…. I'm on a mission and they will not hold me back… and that is just my first lesson.

We haven't even got to the part where I had to tell one of them to shut up……. 

Tattoos

I want one.

I've been wanting one for a long time.

When in Taiwan, many many years ago, I almost got one.

My want for it comes and goes.

I want it on my shoulder blade.

I haven't figured out what design.

I want one that has something to do with God and Jesus.

I am researching on tattoos

It has to be small and dainty…kinda

I don't wanna get an allergic reaction to the ink

At one point I thought I wanted a nose stud diamond

Then I changed my mind

But I still always wanted a tatto

I want a tatto

I think I'm gonna get it.

All God´s Children

The other day on my way home from wmy gig, I happened upon a number of danish kids maybe 8 or 10 years old. It must have been lunch time because I had knocked off my gig later than usual around 12.30 – 12.45pm. Like you know, I live in a village aka boondoos and most people here have not ever really seen a black person up close. The closest is maybe on TV.

So there I am on my bike, feeling tired and lazy enjoying the sun, when I see these 2 kids see me. I am riding up a gentle hill.  Hedges growing close to the road kinda hide the kids from my line of vision. A few seconds later 4 kids jump out onto the bicylce path and look at me say something and jump out of vision. Next 6 kids jump in .By now I am cursing the fate that made me end work late. I keep riding. The voices get closer and more excited.. I ride past, the kids are kinda startled staring at me.. I stare back….. then one of them a girl says something and they break up. end of story.

When I got home I kept thinking about it and could not help compare the scenario to those I have witnessed in Kenya and Uganda.  If I was white, riding past an African village school…. know what would have happened…. them kids would have jumped out onto the bicycle path smiling and jumping up and down chanting "Muzungu, Muzungu, Muzungu!!!"

So here is my question, what´s up with white kids? ama is it black kids???

Denmark – Relocation:Intergration:

In a few days it will be exactly one month since I set foot on Danish soil.

When I first found out FOR SURE, that we were moving to Denmark, my research on relocating here reached epic propotions and in the process I found www.expatnet.dk. The discussion forum (albeit a little out of date) scared the living day lights out of me. I got a severe case of cold feet. I thought that maybe the folks there had exaggerated. Most opinions seemed to end with "Its very rough, however it is a good place once you get settled in".  A talk with a few good friends and Big Al sorta alleviated my fears and hey presto the rest is history.

I have already relocated twice in my life and the first time was the roughest due to my age. Language was an issue even though the official language was and is English. I had to learn the language in order to fit in the then new society. The second time was to the UK  was rough, but given that I speak/read/write English, I found my way around. Being a student helped, we foreign students could come together gripe about the new strange land we were in. Little ancedote: When I finally got to my dorm room, I sat down and had a good cry, then tried to figure out a way to call dad and ask him if I could come back home.

This time has been rather hard. My emotions are ALL OVER THE PLACE. Ranging from anger, paranoia, anger, depression, euphoria and more anger. Monday was a day made in Danish Hell. Looking back the whole episode was funny – however it ended with me, standing at a corner, wearing by big badass shades, crying into the phone to Big Al. I mean big ugly hiccuppy cry! .

It is HARD HARD HARD. I have had a lot of time for introspection and have come to the following conclusion.

If I were a non ambitious, happy to stay at home, African woman whom Big Al found in some remote village and  the idea of being shipped off to the "paradise" that is Western Europe (sarcasim intended) then maybe I would be estatic about being here. Instead the opposite applies.

I am having to draw on resouces that I only discovered I had when I was in England job hunting..(lord knows I could write a book about that). I am fighting a battle that has been waged by the armies of Depression, Anger and Blame sombody else for this mess. I have dubbed this war Operation Mrembo's Sanity. The battle is hard, sometimes I lose some sometimes I win some. Today was a win who knows what tomorrow holds.

All is not lost.  Ultimatum made. I am giving this place 6 months.  Deadline October 31st 2006.  I here voices saying 6 months is too short. I say, Life is too short! I am not about to lose myself in a bid to nurture love.  Like I said to my dear dear friend, I thought love was everything, but I am sure finding out that love ain't all. It boils down to the essence that is Mrembo. The stakes seem to be Mrembo's essence or love……you decide.. me… I have made up my mind.

And don't worry, Big Al knows all about this.

For those intersted in knowing more about Denmark, I present: http://skovgaard.org/europe/denmark.htm

Beautiful Day!

It's a beautiful today… here in Denmark. The sun is out, a lovely 22 degrees Celcius. Town is buzzing with all the young ones, walking around in skimpy little clothes (I shudder for thier future)… I am out and about . Even the wind, which if you did not know, is a substantial part of Danish weather, is nice and warm… all in all.. in the words of U2 "its a beautiful day"

My search for an African Salon has begun.It does not even have to be owned by an AFrican. All I need is a salon with a person who HAS experience of braiding.  I am obsessed with my hair. Right now, I am not feeling my hair at all. I already cut it short, and if I do not get it braided, then I am possibly going to cut it shorter because it is driving me insane. Every frigging time I have to comb it, there is loads and loads of hair everywhere.. and that I cannot absolutely stand… so I am forced to begin my search… Lord only knows where I will find one!

 Important developments regarding my relocation and intergration.

1. I am able to take the bus to and from home to the 3 towns surrounding the boondoos I live in.

2. I opened a bank account in fact 2 accounts. Ok so the first one does not count cause it was just about adding my name, but I sucessfully opened the second one and though the ka-man was an annoying little prick… and as a result I am going to close my account there and open it else where just to prove a point…. I have managed to get that done. My todo list of official stuff is decreasing.

3. I got all my very important numbers sorted out. FACT: Any persons entering Denmark (or returning to Denmark after years absence) is not allowed to access free medical care for a period of six weeks. It made me think of all those………in UK who come for holiday and in the process get heart bypasses etc… no can do here!!

4: I think I have the driving thing under control. In Kenya and Uganda we drive on the left  and my thinking was big deal drving on the right, as long as one can drive, that is all that matters… woi… was I ever so wrong. The first day I had to drive… that is another blog post all of its own. Anyway, I have cracked it. Only thing is Big Al is still holding his breath while I drive.. … I guess its a man thing

The next task in language school… God help me.

These little 4 things are soooo important to me because ofof independence and personal control they are allow me.  If anyone says to me I have to move again in the next 5 to 10 years.. ………

On an independent note.. I was watching Beyonce aka my girl!! and she was talking about the ka-song "Independent Women" …you know that song which was like the theme song for Charlies Angels the movie….. and I was feeling kinda low juu ya the relocation and all that….and I coined my ka-version

Independent Women (original version)
The shoes on my feet
The clothes I'm wearin
I've got it
The rock I'm rockin
I've got it
'Cause I depend on me
If I wanted
The watch you're wearin
I'll buy it
The house I live in
I've got it
The car I'm drivin
I've bought it
I depend on me
(I depend on me)

2 -
All the women who are independent
Throw your hands up at me
All the honeys who makin money
Throw your hands up at me
All the mommas who profit dollas
Throw your hands up at me
All the ladies who truly feel me
Throw your hands up at me

"Dependent Women"

The shoes on my feet / he bought them

The clothes I'm wearing /he bought them

The rock I am rocking/ he got them

Cause I depend on him

If I wanted the watch you're wearing /He'll buy it

the house I live in/he bought it

The car I'm driving/he bought it

Cause I depend on him!!

2. All the women who depending /throw your hand up at me

All the honeys with no money / throw your hands at me

All the mommas who profit dollas / throw your hands at me

All the ladies who truly feel me

THROW YOUR HANDS AT ME!!

have a brilliant independent day