Obsessed and Obsessing

It will not leave me alone. I need to know the truth, I need to know it in my heart and head simultaneously so as to dispell the doubts plaguing me.

I am looking for that ONE, factual, scientific book that will give me a concise, history of the Bible and its origins as well as the origin of modern day christianity. I have read a few books and  essays on line which have not be satisfactory.  This is either due to a lack of scientific research on the writer’s part and therefore much is speculative or due to the writer’s bias for christianity.

I have found a few recommendations that I am thinking of purchasing (and breaking the bank account in the mean time)

Anyone have any further suggestions.

Being African

Now and then, I swing by Mashada to get my funny bone tickled and sometiimes, like this time, I find some interesting discussions. On this occassion, a poster asked:

"Why are Africans so quick to lose thier culture when they move/relocate to the west"

Varied points of view were expressed and most of them were quite intelligent. The  general concensus was that Africans and more so, Sub Saharan Africans are quick to disassociate or distance themselves with thier culture. The reasons for this varied from a lack of pride, to the need for assimilation and "evolution" for the sake of survival. One poster thought that the reason for this was due to the fact that "africans do not know who they are and what they are because they have never been taught why they do what they do and the breakdown of the matricarhcle system brought about by colonialsim was part to blame". His response ended with the question,

"What does it mean to be an African"

The discussion made for some good thought and for the past two weeks I have found myself taking a closer look at my own life and what it means to me to be African.

I have always held the belief, that when growing up, I was always, first and foremost (insert tribe) and then Kenyan/Ugandan and then African. When I came to Europe, I learnt that people saw me first as African and then Kenyan/Ugandan and lastly and most insignificant was my tribe. However when I moved to Uganda, I was never x-tribe enough. This was due to the fact that I apparently did not look like a member of that tribe and did not speak the language(later I spoke it with an accent) and therefore could not be from that tribe. To illustrate the absurdity of this issue here is a small ancedote.

Some time in 2005 summer while shopping in a clothing store in England, I heard these two ladies speaking our language. I was real excited and decided to approach them. (yes, I am one of those people who will come up to you and talk if I think you are african.. yup that's me). So I politely engaged them in conversation. The lady was glad to meet and proceed to ask me if I lived around. I was getting excited because to me this was potential friend. The next question was what part of Uganda I came from and what tribe was I. So I said where I was from and my tribe and immediately her face changed, "Really, nah, you can't be". I confirmed I was and the whole atmosphere changed, like there was nothing more we had in common. I made a hasty retreat.Since then, I always approach with caution..(some people learn the hard way) 

 That question has been gnawing away at my brain. On one hand, I think I am over analysing the whole thing and there is nothing to it. I am african because I was born in Africa, I am descended from African parentage and I am affiliated to a particular african culture and practice (not really though, I am a city girl) certain customs and speak certain african languages. That makes me African. In my particular case, I even know why we do certain things.

As to the question  why we as a people are so quick to distance ourselves from our culture. My take on this is simply a lack of pride and never having being taught at an institutional level that we are a great people.

The guy who, in response stated that this happens due to the need to survive may have been on to something. 

Have a very african weekend! 

Oil

They say they have found commercial oil in Uganda, so why am I happy and sad.

Like a fool, I am happy because I hope that it will mean a better economy for my country and that some how that money will be used to develop our lacking infrastruction and hospitals. At least the government, I hope, should channel some of that money into these things.

I am sad because I know that, even that little bit of wishful thinking will not be a reality and if Angola and Nigeria, among other African oil producing nations are examples to go by, well, nothing will really change.

On another note, I was watching part of the Angelina Jolie interview on CNN, like most things, I didn't really watch all of it, I was between cleaning the house and getting ready to leave….. you know all those household issues… Anyway, when asked some question about what hope was there for the refugees she said… and I quote verbatim….

"Well, we should understand that THESE people have ONLY JUST LEARNED HOW TO GOVERN themselves…….."

I was in the bedroom when I heard that and run out screaming "ati what" like a mad woman, leaving Big Al looking at me, like.."what the heck"? (he was not watching the interview).

So now I really had to sit and listen to what she was saying…. I commend her for her good work.. no denying that hopefully by drawing the plight of refugees to the masses UNHCR will be able to raise the funds required to them to keep doing thier good work. Kudos to them.

However,  that statment was a inflammatory and ignorant…… on the other hand, I do understand why she said it and why anyone would say it. It looks like that….anyway.. that is another post that would fall under political category and as we know, I don't do politics.

End of rant…. she was wrong for that statment.. wrong kabisa..

Televangelists

I am a christian. Not the best, but one nonetheless. 

I believe the Bible is the inspired word of God Himself.  I believe He created heaven and earth in 7 days and I also believe that Jesus is the son on God and He died on the cross as a sacrifice to God in order that we humans may be saved from hell & damnation. I therefore, by default believe in the fact that we are "saved" by Grace.

 That all said.. I also have to say that I have many many questions that the bible leaves unanswered. For example,

1. in Genesis there are 2 creation stories, so which one is it.
2. Where did did Cain find a woman to marry if his mother and father were the first two people on earth
3. When God wanted to get the Isralities out of Egypt and he hardened Pharoh's heart so that he could display His glory, eh, did Pharoh really stand a chance…was he created to be the bad guy, and if he was, who can really blame him, he was wired like that….

The list is endless, now and then when I am reading the Word, I come across things that leave a ? in my head.. .. so what keeps me going….FAITH.. the thing of substance not seen etc etc.. there is a very nice verse somewhere in Hebrews about faith..(i told you I ain't the best). So every day, I try to work this faith thing.. and I gotta say.. it does work… that's all I am saying.

Having said all this, I come to my point. I have serious issues with TV Evangelists and the Mega-Hyper Christian churches. Something about a person on TV wearing bigger bling than most rap stars , decked out in handmade designer clad, asking ME and the poor sods who believe to give them money,(or as they like to say these days, "partner with xyz ministries and see the blessing of God in your life") just does not sit right with me and what I read in the bible. It irks me more when they tell you to buy thier books because it is a"revelation", contains an "anointing" from God and it is what YOU have been waiting for all your life and if you just read/listen/see this book/CD/DVD, you life will be changed for ever. Now that stuff really really bugs me a lot!!!

It makes me want to tear my hair out. The parts which make me most angry is when at the end of the preaching, the scene changes to the preacher with a malnourshed, starving African or Indian child with flies around thier eyes and nose with the sound bite saying"We will not let, yet another one of these precious children of God die….when you partner with us, you save a child… and nothing can be greater than that"….. or something to that effect..

Gotta give it to the marketing chap who came up with this pyschological ambush tactic. Don't get me wrong, some of it really helps.. yeah, the 10 % of the $8,000,000 dollars you make monthly from selling your wears and shameless demand of money.

It bugs me even more when half your congregation is in debt and working low income jobs and they are tithing their 10% to to the church and preacher man is driving around in an S Class Mercedes Benz, living in a mansion… somehting about all this just is not right. 

IT really bugs me and there is nothing I can do about it, but blog. Someone will say, who am I to cast judgement and how dare I say something like that… .. some where in the bible there is somethign about Christians being discerning. So then you hit back with, "Thou shalt not judge" and I say true enough, I ain't judging, I'm just stating!

Have a spirit filled week and remember, "God is watching and when you partner with Mrembo Ministries, you will see your life truly blessed and transformed. A Donation of $2 will get you access to her. A donation of $5 will ensure that she eats every night and for those special people wondering what to do with that $10 you have sitting around, this is the time to take a step of faith and see what can be done for you. A donation of £10 or more will get you free access to Mrembo's photos, feed her and give you access to her. Be blessed and keep on reading Mrembo.wordpress.com ……….music fade out…

References:

 www.google.com/TV evangelists.

A lot of information if you want to know… 

Of Men & Women

I have noticed an interesting phenomenon here in Denmark. A lot, and I mean a lot of Danish men are married or in steady relationships with women from Orient-Asia. Most of the women are from Thailand and Vietnam. In my class there are 3 Vietnamese women 2 married to Danish men, one is on her 2nd danish man. Last Sunday while at a resturant, I observed an Asian woman and her husband and thier two children. I cite these specific examples to put across the fact that there are quiet a number of interracial relationships made up of Asian and Dane men.

Now the interesting thing I noted was this. The ladies in my class do not speak English and obviously are in Language school cause they do not speak Danish. The question that has been plaguing my mind for some time is this

“How do they communicate and what is the foundation of the relationship”

So last night Big Al and I got to discuss the issue and this was his response to it. (I will try my best to convey what he said

“Men who go into these relationships are not looking for communication per say, but rahter looking for something else. They may be looking for a warm body to lie next to, someone to keep the house clean, iron clothes and maybe give children. The need for conversation and to talk with someone is simply not an issue. Companionship means different things to people. To me such men are no different from intelligent lawyers, doctors, professors, who go ahead and marry airheads or a dull woman. These people want an uncomplicated life”.

My mind is finding it hard to grasp this. I cannot, for the life of me imagine myself with someone whom, I cannot share my dreams, fears and heart with. I agree that there is need for balanced conversation and every conversation cannot to intellectual etc. Sometimes it has to be frivolous and stupid and non edifiying to the body and soul.. you know like conversations about what celebs are wearing… But I need to be able to disccuss my feelings and opinions on the news with my hubby and critique a movie.. not simply say “the movie was good or bad”

What do you think??

A toast to life!

 www. dictionary.com defines it as;

1.  
   1. A bittersweet longing for things, persons or situations of the past.
   2. The condition of being homesick, homesickness.

After stating that I was feeling nostalgic, Big Al asked me if I really was longing for things of the past, persons and situation. I quickly replied that I was.. and on further thought realised that that as not really how I was feeling.. but then again.. that is where the “bittersweet” part comes in. Did I really want to go back to the past? Emphatically, NO. Yet at the same time, there are many aspects of the past that I long for, and more recently have I been able to pin down exactly what it is…INNONCENCE and YOUTH.

With youth comes the innonocence of allowing yourself to dream. As a young girl, in my dreams I was a giant. Nothing could stop me, the world was my oyster. We were encouraged to dream big at school and at home and I think, more than most people I know , I bought into it, hook, line and sinker. Its loss by way of LIFE has been rather dishearting, alluring and inspiring.

Adulthood is hard. Let no man lie to you. It is hard and yet at the same weird time, it is exhilarating, liberating and to put a sexual spin on it, erotic. There are times my own life fascinates and awes me and I cannot believe the person I am. Sometimes, my life seems boring and dull and monotonous. I guess that is life.

It is only now that I truly comprehend the burden of parents. How on earth is one really supposed to prepare thier offspring for life, I mean really. Forget the education, shelter, discipline, manners… all that stuff is important, but on some level, it does not even being to touch what life truly is when you leave your parents nest.

Back to nostalgia, you know what I miss;

I miss:

1. going to auntie’s house on a weekend and having tea with chapati or tea with bread while talking and laughing until the sun goes down.
2. going for a relatives wedding and extended family is together and that feeling of happiness and joy, cause all the beef has been put on PAUSE for the day and everyone is just one big clan.
3. Eating pilau and chicken.
4. driving around on sunday and calling your buddy while you’re at the “roundabout” and informing her we are about to descend on her.. without having to book a bloody appointment.
5. Roasting nyam choms with your pals, they drink Tusker baridi, I get a Fanta baridi, meanwhile we sit and narrate some outrageous stories, you know he/she is lying, but it’s all good.
6. Calling every woman your mum’s age “auntie” or “Mama so and so”
7. But most of all, I miss the family get togethers. My  extended maternal family is big on this and you can be guranteeded that at least 2 Sunday there is a lunch somewhere.

Join me in toasting to life, whatever it is, may you have it more and more abundantly!!!

Something New.. Something Old!

Something new – I am not sure I like the new presentation theme that much.. the font is a tad too small.. I like the color though .. will keep it for a few days and see if it will grow on me.

On to something old….

Remember my weightloss endeavours, well it is not going too well. I am working out like a mad woman and seemingly eating in direct proportion so my weight is more or less the same.. I seem to loose 2 kgs and gain 2 kgs throughout the week, so my weekly weigh in is simply stagnant….

The personal trainer at the gym said to me the other day.. instead of aiming for 30mins aerobic why not aim for a certain amount of calories to be burned per aerobic session.! That there was a Eureka like moment…so for the past week and a half my target has been to burn 500 calories per aerobic session.

It takes me about 40 minutes on the cross trainer and I must add.. this gym has one of the better ergonomic cross trainers I have come across. The weight machines are going well and I am getting stronger.. but the scale is not reflecting it.. and the best part of it all.. the absolute best is that the jeans which I bought, which were tight when I bought them.. actually and really do feel loose in the thighs even after washing…..

Now explain that to me!!!! The scale is not budging but the jeans are loosening!!

In Search of “IT”

I am not sure I will succeed in conveying my feelings accurately, however I will try my best. Somewhere within me there is the hope that I will one day be the writer I hope and dream of being. So be patient with me, while I bear my soul! 

"True happiness comes from doing what you were put on earth to do"

I don't know where I read, heard or saw this, but at this point in my life, I wholeheartedly agree with it.

Ever heard of the young girl/boy who at 8 years old said "I want to be a pilot, dancer, mother, doctor, sportwoman……"(the list is endless) and went on to be exactly that, while succeeding magnificently at it and making a fantastic living out of it. From that young age, thier IT was a clear as the noon day sun, and the journey towards IT was like walking a well lit path.

Then there are those who knew thier IT at a young age or discover IT as adults.  The only glich in thier IT-sphere is that for them, it cannot be a source of livelihood, so they end up doing another lesser IT that allows for money to be earned. All in all they have balance; they have thier IT and the lesser one… life is fulfilling and enriching. Some get lucky and blessed later in life when thier IT, usually relegated to being called a hobby,  becomes (suddenly or not) their source of livelihood. In a way these people are just as fulfilled as those in the first scenario.

Then there is the third group, people like me, who flow with life until we get fed up and realise they have no IT and they have never really had IT.  If they ever had IT, it lasted for a short period of tiem and then went away….They labour at lesser "its" because bills have to be paid, food has to be eaten, shelter is a necessity. Some people get stuck in this lifeless limbo like state all their lives. Some are lawyers, doctors, mothers, housewives, officeworkers, accountants, housekeepers… fill in the blanks. For this group, IT is elusive.

The search for IT, for those who awaken to the need to find it, is made worse by the countless self help books, articles and talk (aka… Dr Phil and company), who tell you, if you only follow the  "7 Steps….," "12 Routes to…" "10 Acts of " blah yada blah… you will discover/awaken your IT.

If you haven't guessed, "IT" goes by many other names,  "Potential, Career, Passion, Dream and Life Mission" again the endless list.

So in my quest, I gathered a number of these principles (they are not all trash by the way and yes, now and then I do buckle and end up flipping through them……note the ambivalence towards anything selfhelp) and essentially, summariesed them as follows.. step by step

1. Do a SWOT like inventory of yourself….(if you don't know a SWOT, google it!)
2. Identify your goal/have a vision/ have a dream…. something to that effect
3. Collect the stuff required to reach your goal…..could be as simple as a hoe to dig or higher education…
4. Begin the work towards it….in case of garden, start digging….
5. Surround yourself with the right people,…. again, digging scenario, get around some farmers, gardeners.. whatever…
6. Learn from your mistakes… for you will surely make them
7. Keep digging
8. Voila! you now have a garden…..(crap or fly.. a garden nontheless)

Armed with this information from the countless sources, I did my SWOT…(maybe one day I will post my Strengths… the rest are for me to know and for you to speculate…. gotta beat my own drum… I digress!)

Then I got to the dream/vision/goal part and….. welll….. things kinda fell apart…. See…. thing is… I did have a dream once. It was like… to use an analogy a mountain climbing venture. I went through steps 3 to 7 and somewhere along it, I fell off the mountain into a valley, broke my back and got taken to the ER. It took me a few months to recover and the good doctor told me to give up mountain climbing because another fall like this would kill me. He said  that I can keep climbing hills but not mountains and reminded me that time was working against me and at my age, I could no longer do the mountain ranges..I should stick to gentle hills.

So now I am looking for a new hill and I cannot seem to find it. I look at my SWOT and really do not know where to apply that to find my IT… so I am hoping my IT will find me.. cause I sure don't know where to look anymore…..I have tried my hand at a few things and they certainly were not IT… I will keep looking because one day, I too will stand up and boldly say

"This is what I was born to do"

PS……I am very contented with all other aspects of my life…… and though it sounds depressing and weak, I am neither… simply introspective….

One thing plagues me though, when does one know when to throw in the towel… cause I think my doctor was wrong…..  

Madaraka Day!!! (Belated)

Madaraka day has come and gone!

Yesterday I remembered it was Madaraka day, I even reminded myself to go to my ka joint and join the KBW brotherhood in noting this day by posting something.. but life happened and I didn't  make it.

Today I have been reading the posts on KBW Aggregator and have felt proud to be Kenyan (albeit half Kenyan).

I was not born in Kenya, but I grew up in Kenya. I left Kenya in my early teens and never returned to live there. My mommie is Kenyan and my whole maternal extend family lives in Kenya. Once a year for a max of four to six weeks at a time I lived in Kenya. I was the only one who left home.

When I relocated, I was always identified as Kenyan and "she is kenyan" was used to explain a lot of my percieved idiosyncrasies. For 10 years this new place .. Uganda.. was my home and I discovered my new extended family. I learned the language the lingo and some of the culture and slowly in its own way Uganda became home.

My home will always be Kenya/Uganda.. and in that order. On certain days I feel more Kenyan than I do Ugandan. I am more (insert Kenyan tribe) than I am Ugandan and other days I am more Ugandan than I am Kenyan. I love my home and I am proud to fly both flags.

Harambee!!!!