Angry Loneliness

This post was not going to happen. Earlier this evening it had been shaping itself in my head. As it grew I decided not to post. Too much negativity was what I thought. I shut down the computer, watched the end of Grey’s Anatomy (I cannot stand Izzy and O’malley ugh! And Grey ugh, ugh, ugh …. stupid chick, you have a man get with it already…… why the heck do I watch the show). I tried to go to bed. My butt touched the mattress and I realised I was carrying too much anger that needed to get out; so here I am.

I have been feeling angry and lonely. Let me explain. The anger is easy. I do not function very well without sleep. I can go about my day to day stuff, but my emotions, primarily my baser emotions come to a head quickly. The last few days have been tough. Thankfully Baby has been excellent during the day. He is so cute by the way. Giving me kisses and greeting me “Hiiiii” when he walks into a room. Big Al being away has meant I have been on parenting duty round the clock without a break, hence the anger. To all the single mums/dads, I salute you.

I said I have been lonely. Not lonely for a man kinda loneliness. I gotta a man. But lonely for “real life friends and social life lonely”. When I went home in Dec 07 it became glaringly obvious what kind of social life I miss while here in DK. I miss going for weddings, funerals, engagement parties, girlfriend stuff. I miss going to my aunties for tea, inviting cousins over for a drink. I just miss plain old Ugandan social life. This loneliness usually comes and goes but recently is has been visiting for a bit longer, making me really look at my life here and ask some really hard questions. The only consistent thought is “I don’t know how long I can do this” “Will it ever change”. England was not so bad with regards to social life. I had a few friends and work colleagues and that fulfilled “social needs”. Life here has been too isolated.

I am back to my drawing board looking at the pros and cons of being in Denmark vs Uganda. Then I think. Ok if this is the price I am going to pay for having moved here, then let me at least have a freaking good house. Let me use the little money we have so far and furnish my house the way I want. We can’t yet buy a house. I need to start work for that to happen. I am starting work in August(don’t ask me what kind of work but I WILL. With that thought in mind, I went furniture shopping with baby. He was so well behaved, almost like he knew mommy is walking a thin line. I didn’t go to just any store.. (I am so through with cheapass stuff)….I went to a high end store and oooooh! oooh.. I fell in love. See I need a new living room set and carpet. A whole guest room set. I swear endorphins started flowing while I was in that shop. I saw my living room curtains, my Stressless sofas in leather, the guest room bed, wardrobes, bedside stool the works. I was salivating, my heart was pumping. Did I say baby was behaving. I could not believe it. It tickled me to think,just imagine Big Al comes home and I have got all this stuff in the house. God would he blow a gasket. Do I care!!!

Jesus save me!, I have morphed into one of those suburban…oops, I meant ghetto wives that shops. But that is what happens when something is missing and in this case it is a social life.

I was really angry. Angry because I am lonely and lonely because I don’t have the social life I had or want. Angry because I feel that the price is too high and the sacrifice too big and that I cannot do this anymore. Now I am just a little sad, feeling sorry for myself. I don’t give a shit if you think that I have it made and I should not be feeling sorry for myself. Its my party and I can do what I want!

Maybe it is time to live on the wild side. Let me go shopping tomorrow and see what happens. Oh almost forgot to say I found the skinny jeans I was looking for.

Totally pathetic is it not… I shop to feel good.

For all you wondering about being lonely yet she is married has a kid yada yada yada.. … just keep on yada yada-ring.. some things are way beyond your understanding.

That feels good!

Tonight, I just need to be a self-pitying, ungrateful, tired, angry, lonely African Woman trying to make it here in Denmark. Sometimes life can really suck. Tomorrow I will be grateful and positive.

Goodnight.