A few things about me

This post is inspired by Raymond’s post which can be found here. It was a good funny read .

That said I feel I must stand up for the married woman seeing I am such a woman.

Married women get so much bashing, some of it is well deserved and the rest not so. A lot of it seems to come from mouths that are on the other side of the fence or from men who are not married.

The instution of marriage is a hard one. There I said it. It is hard. It is also one of the most rewarding relationships you will ever have if you work at it.

Forget all the bullshit you see on TV and in films. The romance part  might be true in the first few years of marriage after that is takes work and the DECISION TO STAY by both parties and to STAY HAPPY that can make a marriage phenomenol.

When I look back at the first 2-3 years of being with Big Al I have to smile with nostalgia at the whole new love-falling in love thing. God we were so in love. Stupid in love. Hold my hand, kiss me in public in-love.  The kind that makes you ignore all the little things that later bug you. Then we made it past three years and the “being in love” love changed to a kinda deeper love and it was all good. By year three of being together we were married.  We married in 2002 and had our first child in 2007 and we met in 2000

Let me tell you this, A CHILD will CHANGE THE MIX of marriage KABISA. So when I hear people got married and  in less than 2 years a child is born, I feel for the couple. You haven’t even gotten the opportunity to know each other truly and BANG baby is in the mix.

On to defending the married woman. We get bashed a lot for:

  • gaining weight
  • Not taking care of our physical appearance.. ala dressing up, nails, stocking on head when going to sleep, wearing lesos et
  • Not availing sex on demand or as often as it used to be
  • Not cooking like before
  • Not babying him like before

Here is the thing MEN need to accept and my sisters still on the other side of marriage passing judgement need to know is coming.

  • As your wife and  the mother of your children, chances are I WILL GAIN WEIGHT after giving birth to YOUR CHILD. Just a fact.  9 out of 10 women gain weight so if you think I am going to look like those movie stars who starve to death to look good.. maybe you are shopping for the wife in the wrong market. YOU yes YOU dear husband will also gain weight after the birth of our child, so put a lid on it about the weight thing. The questions is how much weight is she willing to keep and how much are you willing to accept. We married women know that men are visual creatures and we try to keep it the weight off and keep being attractive for you.  I may need some help loosing the weight. So if it’s bugging you and it is bugging me, help me out. How.. allow me THE TIME to do what I gotta do to shift this weight. Using the excuse that she is no longer attractive in my eyes because she gained weight is so much bullshit. Who said I find your behind attractive after that pot belly you have developed. It works both ways. … maybe that’s why I gotta headache 5 days out of 7…know what I mean.
  • Taking care of my physical appearance will take a dive if we have kids cause like it or not.. kids will be first priority for sometime. It costs money to look good all the time and before the kids came around, our money was spread two ways. When the kids come it spreads 3, 4 or five ways depending on how many we make. So unless our income increases propotionally,  I will not be smelling as expensive as before or having my nails buffed all the time cause that money is going to diapers, nursery, schoolfees.. get my drift daddy? But believe it or not, I do want to look hot 24/7. Sometimes it’s just not practical. I do try. I do.
  • Now we come to the sex thing. It’s so simple. So simple. Be nice to me and you will get all the sex you want. Just be nice to me. (thing is most men don’t know what being nice to thier wives mean). Tip here.. buying me stuff will not cut it after some time. Spend time with me, be interested in me, talk to me, help me out with the kids, hear me when I talk. Do all these things consistently and  baby you will be getting sex round the clock. Most wives just want to be acknowlegded and know that thier husbands “see” them. This mambo of “baby I love you” and then expect great sex.. sorry dude.. it ain’t happening.
  • The things I have said about sex apply also to men, so wives you know you also gotta be nice to him.. cause when he goes out the door and is shagging that chick on the side, chances are apart from it being just a shag cause he could.. Miss thing on the side is being nice to him. She makes him feel like a hero, blah blah blah.
  • Cooking; sex rules apply here. Be nice and I will cook for you.
  • Babying him: Shit.. I am not your mother”!

 

Marriage gets a bad rap because  of peoples’ egos. Ego is a big ass thing and most people don’t know how to check thier egos. That is something Big Al and I have learnt to do over the years. Most times when we sit down to resolve issues after a fight,  we realise it was all about “me”. Like recently we had a horrible period because he felt that he was not being treated right and I felt I was not being treated right so we both withdrew into ourselves. I have mentioned it before we are “silent fighters”. Shouting is not our style. We just emotionally withdraw.

This went on for about 3 weeks.  Finally while he was away on work safari he called, we started talking and stuff got resolved.

Being honest is not as easy or as hard as it sometimes is made to be. It’s about being honest at the right time with both one’s self and your spouse. There I was thinking I was being attentive and helful.. while he felt he was being a supportive husband inspite of work stress. I had my own stressdue to of lack of sleep due to the new baby, not enough help around the house. So there we were, two people each hoping the other will see the other’s hardship and be nice. He needed for me to be supportive, tactile and all kissy kissy and I needed him to wake up early,  clean more dishes etc

Meanwhile what he was doing was asking me about my day and playing with the kids (thought he was being nice) and I was busy keeping the kids out of his way, doing dishes when it was his turn, so that he could do the work he needed to do.

We so were totally not tuned into what the other needed … until we talked, we realised how off we were and issues got resolved. Before the resolution you shoulda seen or heard what was going on in my head… “he just don’t care about me, I am tired of this shit.. go off and find me another man who cares.. the stuff I have to put up with with this man.. haki ya mungu…” it went on and on. “I am such a good wife.. does he see that.. ” I tell you stuff went on.

It seems so silly when I type it now.. but imagine.. it was a 3 week cold war in my house..

So yes.. marriage is hard, but if you put in the hard work, with the right person, its the best deal in life, hands down.

It is 22.40. Baby has been sleeping for 1 hours. She will be waking at 03.00am. I need to get my 4 hours before she wakes.

I have read it through only once.. forgive all the typos present.

Comments on: "In defence of the married woman" (9)

  1. Wow! This is so honest. I love it…

    thanks

  2. raymondchepkwony said:

    You put up a good defense on behalf of all married women… I hope they know they have a champion in you. Someone on my blog asked me to find him 3 HAPPILY MARRIED couples… I will refer him to you. You embody all the 3!…

    Funny and charming in one roll!… Great post and I hope your typing didnt awake the baby!…

    it was your hilarious post that inspired this.. so thanks to you. Nah, baby slept through it all, but I was tired like crazy the next morning having not gone to bed with her!

  3. *stands in applause…damn girl!…i have hope now.yes,i do.

    when you look around and all you see is the married people with a trapped look on their faces and mingi resentment towards each other…. ur like really??!!..is this what it is….and funny thing is u meet married folks and all the say is…’thank God you’re single and enjoy every minute of it.every minute!!’…(normally a phscotic tone of voice is used)..lol…so i hope you & ur modo are happiest for longest…cos we need to hear more of that ;-)

    thank you for wishing us good things! and you are right, a lot of the time we hear only the bad things about marriage and folks forget to sing the praises when things are going good, giving marriage one horrible reputation.

  4. luv the honest part..this truly from the heart,bt most who need this probably wont even read it..so the ‘cold war’ continues….

    cold wars are dangerous…and when left unresolved people get shocked when the marriage dies, kumbe a little honest talk could have solved issues

  5. kenyanreality said:

    Great post Ms Mrembo.

    I totally cracked up at the line “Babying him: Shit.. I am not your mother”!
    – I have always loved Shakira’s song line “I love you for free and I am not for your mother”

    Your defence is superb – (thanks for reference to Raymond’s article.It was hilarious)

    And most important thank you for the salient lessons in this post that I hope to remember when I get married.

    glad you could pick some lessons from it.. :-) and yes Raymond is very funny, spent a lot of time at his place reading his posts. I was laughing out loud

  6. magaribina said:

    Great post.

    The part about egos makes so much sense! Great to have the perspective of someone who is actually IN the institution.

  7. Mrembo, thanks for the advice. I plan to be honest, and nice….

    You may have put a little more emphasis on the married-woman-with-kids setting (of course it’s the norm), but even for those who opt out or can’t get into the kids’ department, the body kinda changes with age.So am not sure the sex can remain the same and the men better be prepared.Of course they, too age!

    • I don’t know if it was advice more of “what I have learnt and learning” as I walk this thing called marriage with my husband.

      True I spoke about the married woman with kids.

      For a few years there I was the married woman bila kids and true to the word we both did put on some weight. There are all kinds of articles about how people put on weight when they are in a relationship (bila kids).

      I would venture to say the weight gain is not as significant as that when one has had children. (again depending of if you are the kind that puts on significant weight..there are people who gain like only 10kg throughout the pregnancy.. those specially gifted :-)

  8. [...] blogville today led me to this very eye-opening and devastatingly honest article by Mrembo here http://mrembo.wordpress.com/2010/10/28/in-defence-of-the-married-woman/ which was in response to an article written by the very humourous Raymond Chepkwony here [...]

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