Actually it is 6mins to 3.00am and I am unable to sleep. Nik had his second feed of the night at 1.10am and went back to sleep at 1.38am. Since then sleep has been elusive. After his 1.00am feed, i have trouble sleeping till about 4.ooam. So here I am
Sometimes I think I will pass out from sheer physical fatigue, but by the grace of God alone, I manage to make it to the end of yet another day. Weekends are easier because his father entertains him and I can get a hour or so to myself. Today I painted my toe nails!!! I so badly want to sleep, why wont my body cooperate. 😦
I know the answer, my brain will not shut down, like some broken computer it keeps churning out thought after random thought keeping me awake. My propensity to focus on the negative thoughts is something I am trying my LEVEL BEST to thwart and it is turning out to be a herculean task. Night after night I attempt to shift my thoughts to more positivity and night after night I seem to fail.
My life seems to be in bits before me. My future shrouded by a fog so deep I can barely see my feet below my. My FEAR at an all high and I feel helpless. All the self pep talks seem to end up in one persistent thought “is it too late to bail out”
(i need to stress here that I am not refering to my relationship) . I made a choice a year ago to come here and the consequences of that decision have stumped me. Dr Phil keeps ringing in my head “Choose the behaviour choose the consequences” so I really cannot moan about it because I CHOSE TO BE HERE! I want out on so many levels. I want to be able to look ahead and know that I am going to be able to find work or create work for me. I want to know for a fact that I can support myself financially in several months time. I want to be at peace with the decision to be here in Denmark and I want to be FEARLESS. I want to believe that I have been through the firepress of life and I am stronger now, strong enough to face what lies ahead, I just want it to be easier just a little easier. I want not to give myself a freaking pep talk every so often telling myself there is hope in the future and that I should live for today.
This is such a miserable post! 😦 :-()
I am fine, just tired, SCARED and fighting to keep the faith.
Random thought: I never understood it when I read or heard people say “suicide-ers are cowards” but now I do. Fighting to “keep the faith and stay positive that things will get better” is so much harder than just giving in to negativity and despair, especially when the night has been so long and the winter so cold.
But the faith must be kept and fight continued for there is light at the end…or perhaps HOPE is for the foolish!
As depressing or depressed as this post may sound, I am ok and not falling off the deep end. I just need to get all this stuff out. and God knows I really could do with reading a historical romance…but I quit!
Goodnight….or rather Goodmorning.
Thanks to Mwari you all get to know 7 more things about me…… you may have figured some out….
- I have been in love only once in my life. Big Al is the object of that love. This is something I am sorta proud of 🙂 in a self superiority kinda way! Not good but hey.. you wanted to know.
- I have a fetish for socks that started many years ago. Actually now that I think about it, Mum is the cause of this. She has always slept with socks on and whenever it got cold we would raid her closet. During a holiday abroad, I bought a stash of bright coloured socks. Since then I have a thing for socks. Just the other day I saw some luxurious pairs at a lingerie shop and intend to get them as my gift to my self for a job well done bringing Nik into this world 🙂 that and a pair of Eco shoes heheheh 😀
- When patience was being doled out during the fabrication of Mrembo, the portion must have run out! Patience is not my strongest suit. I try try try, and sometimes I succeed. Queues and stupidity really do unleash my vice.
- I am “fashion challenged” and I don’t really care. Admittedly I am not the worst dresser out there, but I could do with some styling up. This “challenge” extends to decorating my house. I dress for comfort first and foremost. I have items in my wardrobe that are 8 years plus and I am still wearing them. It took a photo for me to get rid of a certain winter coat despite the fact Big Al had been telling me “Sweets let me buy a jacket” and I was like “Nah, buy me shoes” When I saw how ridiculous I looked I was like “Why the heck did you not say something” and he was like “why do you think I kept offering to buy you a jacket”. Needless to say I went a got another one and it took Big Al to get me to get rid of it. If I like it, it stays.
- I am very friendly and talkative (too much sometimes). It is rare that I will meet people I am not able to talk to. If I do not like you, I will hardly say much to you and in the presence of very “charismatic” people, I will tend to shut down….. I know when I have been “out talked” 🙂
- I lam a tad obsessive about cleanliness and having things “just so”. Drives me nuts when things are not where they are supposed to be.
- I love love love to day dream and “night dream” just before I fall asleep. I have been doing this for ever. In my dreams I have been the best talk show host ever, the best African president, an assasin, a billionaire. Ever since I had Nik, it is the one thing that I can still do, so every night before I sleep I indulge. The are two categories to my dreams. Those where I am involved and the “novels” /films i.e. third party dreams. In these I create stories. For example if I watch a movie and I did not like the way it ended, I will create my own version in my head.
In turn I will tag Medusa , Rombo M and Alkags,f they have not been tagged already
April 11th 2007 marked exactly one year for Mrembo in Denmark. I had planned on blogging on that day, but life happened.
I really do not know what to say..I am still here …..thank you very much and may be here for longer than I planned… I have no idea what I am saying and why, so I will leave off here.
On another note, remember “thou shalt be named” well good news abounds!
The “government” wrote back and said …..and I quote
“We are glad to include the name Nik…. M…. to the register of acceptable first names database”
I just had a thought. I have always written negative stuff or projected negativity about Denmark, so maybe as a toast to my one year here, I should write about stuff I like in Denmark, so here goes.
- Denmark gave me Big Al 🙂
- Free quality medical care. Compared to the UK, the danish one is really good and cleaner. My experience of bringing Nik into the world was very good (labour aside). We were there for 18 hours and went through 3 shifts of midwives and all 6 midwives were excellent, friendly, polite and professional. The first two did not know that much English but did their best and when stumped Big Al translated. I have nothing but praise for them. I kept saying to Big Al Skjeby Hospital must have one of the best Customer Service training programs. What were the chances of having all 3 sets of midwives being soo good. Even the anesthesiologist was excellent. While inserting the epidural needle into my spine he was trying to get me to relax by joking etc.
- Generally safe environment (though I currently live in the roughest area of Aarhus City)
- Dodgey sense of fashion that I am kinda coming to appreciate… its a kinda dress down dodgey.. can’t even explain it.. but it is growing on me.
- Free school for Nik when he is of age… but I kinda have issues with it.