Actually it is 6mins to 3.00am and I am unable to sleep. Nik had his second feed of the night at 1.10am and went back to sleep at 1.38am. Since then sleep has been elusive. After his 1.00am feed, i have trouble sleeping till about 4.ooam. So here I am
Sometimes I think I will pass out from sheer physical fatigue, but by the grace of God alone, I manage to make it to the end of yet another day. Weekends are easier because his father entertains him and I can get a hour or so to myself. Today I painted my toe nails!!! I so badly want to sleep, why wont my body cooperate. 😦
I know the answer, my brain will not shut down, like some broken computer it keeps churning out thought after random thought keeping me awake. My propensity to focus on the negative thoughts is something I am trying my LEVEL BEST to thwart and it is turning out to be a herculean task. Night after night I attempt to shift my thoughts to more positivity and night after night I seem to fail.
My life seems to be in bits before me. My future shrouded by a fog so deep I can barely see my feet below my. My FEAR at an all high and I feel helpless. All the self pep talks seem to end up in one persistent thought “is it too late to bail out”
(i need to stress here that I am not refering to my relationship) . I made a choice a year ago to come here and the consequences of that decision have stumped me. Dr Phil keeps ringing in my head “Choose the behaviour choose the consequences” so I really cannot moan about it because I CHOSE TO BE HERE! I want out on so many levels. I want to be able to look ahead and know that I am going to be able to find work or create work for me. I want to know for a fact that I can support myself financially in several months time. I want to be at peace with the decision to be here in Denmark and I want to be FEARLESS. I want to believe that I have been through the firepress of life and I am stronger now, strong enough to face what lies ahead, I just want it to be easier just a little easier. I want not to give myself a freaking pep talk every so often telling myself there is hope in the future and that I should live for today.
This is such a miserable post! 😦 :-()
I am fine, just tired, SCARED and fighting to keep the faith.
Random thought: I never understood it when I read or heard people say “suicide-ers are cowards” but now I do. Fighting to “keep the faith and stay positive that things will get better” is so much harder than just giving in to negativity and despair, especially when the night has been so long and the winter so cold.
But the faith must be kept and fight continued for there is light at the end…or perhaps HOPE is for the foolish!
As depressing or depressed as this post may sound, I am ok and not falling off the deep end. I just need to get all this stuff out. and God knows I really could do with reading a historical romance…but I quit!
Goodnight….or rather Goodmorning.