A few things about me

3am

Actually it is 6mins to 3.00am and I am unable to sleep. Nik had his second feed of the night at 1.10am and went back to sleep at 1.38am. Since then sleep has been elusive. After his 1.00am feed, i have trouble sleeping till about 4.ooam. So here I am
Sometimes I think I will pass out from sheer physical fatigue, but by the grace of God alone, I manage to make it to the end of yet another day. Weekends are easier because his father entertains him and I can get a hour or so to myself. Today I painted my toe nails!!! I so badly want to sleep, why wont my body cooperate. šŸ˜¦

I know the answer, my brain will not shut down, like some broken computer it keeps churning out thought after random thought keeping me awake. My propensity to focus on the negative thoughts is something I am trying my LEVEL BEST to thwart and it is turning out to be a herculean task. Night after night I attempt to shift my thoughts to more positivity and night after night I seem to fail.

My life seems to be in bits before me. My future shrouded by a fog so deep I can barely see my feet below my. My FEAR at an all high and I feel helpless. All the self pep talks seem to end up in one persistent thought “is it too late to bail out” (i need to stress here that I am not refering to my relationship) . I made a choice a year ago to come here and the consequences of that decision have stumped me. Dr Phil keeps ringing in my head “Choose the behaviour choose the consequences” so I really cannot moan about it because I CHOSE TO BE HERE! I want out on so many levels. I want to be able to look ahead and know that I am going to be able to find work or create work for me. I want to know for a fact that I can support myself financially in several months time. I want to be at peace with the decision to be here in Denmark and I want to be FEARLESS. I want to believe that I have been through the firepress of life and I am stronger now, strong enough to face what lies ahead, I just want it to be easier just a little easier. I want not to give myself a freaking pep talk every so often telling myself there is hope in the future and that I should live for today.

This is such a miserable post! šŸ˜¦ :-()

I am fine, just tired, SCARED and fighting to keep the faith.

Random thought: I never understood it when I read or heard people say “suicide-ers are cowards” but now I do. Fighting to “keep the faith and stay positive that things will get better” is so much harder than just giving in to negativity and despair, especially when the night has been so long and the winter so cold.

But the faith must be kept and fight continued for there is light at the end…or perhaps HOPE is for the foolish!

As depressing or depressed as this post may sound, I am ok and not falling off the deep end. I just need to get all this stuff out. and God knows I really could do with reading a historical romance…but I quit!

Goodnight….or rather Goodmorning.

Comments on: "3am" (12)

  1. Thanks for sharing. You certainly have a lot going on right now, I can only imagine. I sincerely believe that life does not throw anything at us that we are not capable of dealing with, perhaps with some help, perhaps with some tears. You seem to be doing great thus far, I encourage you to, as you said, keep the faith. One day you will look back at these archives and recognise just how far you rise!

    Have a fantastic week!

  2. Keep the candle of faith burning and it will all be alright. sometimes it gets to the point that you feel its almost ending but its just beginning stay focused and you will conquer Ma Nik. All the best.

  3. mwariwadavid said:

    I am racking my brain for something nice to say to make you feel better, but with no luck.

    I will just say that I have right where you are. It shall come to pass.
    If me, now, a mum of 3 gets a good 8 hours of uninterrupted sleep, then all is possible.
    Soon, my dear and it will be ok.

  4. oh girl. (((((hug))))).

    Glad it’s out. Hope you feel better.

    Take care of you, k?

    I’ve just prayed that you’ll have an exceptionally lovely day today.

  5. oh girl. (((((hug))))). Glad you sent it out there. Most times, better out than in.

    Take good care of you. And, keep the faith.

  6. Crazy isn’t it, I read this and I feel normal… Had a mini-meltdown over the weekend, had to let someone else hold her..went into my bathroom with my Ipod, cried and danced my little heart out until I was only dancing..and then I took a long hot shower…relief.

  7. woi!yeah, life sometimes seems to suck, but as people have said, one day you’ll be looking back at these archives and youll see how far God has brought you.im not sure what i should say.Take it one day at a time.
    Oh,maybe a miniproject would keep some of those negative thoughts at bay, somethng to keep you busy. yeah, even at like 1 in the morning;)

  8. I’ve been where you’ve been and it shall come to pass. Seriously, it will. I find that the best way to cope is not to “fight it”, just let things be. If you get a 20-minute nap, be happy about it. Not sure if I’m making sense, but I hope it helps to know that others have been where you are now. And I love that you are totally logical and rational about the emotional rollarcoaster. Remember too that your hormone levels are still quite high and will play havoc on your emotional and mental well-being. As long as you are able to see things that way, which from your post seems to be the case, you are fine my dear.

  9. oh girl. (((((hugh))))).

    Keep on keeping the faith.

  10. Mrembo
    I just stumbled onto your blog and I have been reading your previous posts. Interesting, we seem to have a number of things in common…first time moms to inter-racial boys, living far away from our home country…My son still wakes up in the middle of the night…I have kinda come to accept it…thank God, I don’t have to wake up to go to work…I don’t know what I would do if I had to…hope to chat more

  11. Thank you all.

  12. I may be the only man who will comment on this. When my wife and I broke up, I was left with my two kids and the youngest one was about a year old.

    I have experienced what you are talking about and worse when the baby was sick and I had no idea what to do and she couldnt stop crying…..I had a presentation to a client at 730 am….the true test of parenting…Yeah, it will pass trust me.

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