A few things about me

Archive for November, 2007

And finally!

Rombo has some interesting things on her blog. Two of them got me jazzed. Here she challenged us to write a blurb about yourself and here she asked what kind of candidate would you vote for if there were elections for God.

I’ve just read the God post today so whatever I say is off the cuff, not really sat down to think about it. So here is my list:

  • Clear and decisive candidate
  • Should show his track record in a manner that is clear and VISIBLE.

I am getting kinda scared writing this, like God is watching and saying.. “Eh eh, who do you think you are… let me show you.. ati.. a clear and decisive candidate, just wait and I get started on your cheekyness”

So I am going to stop right there and think about it more

Now my blurb. Rombo just so you know.. in case you read this… I went and got my favourite book of the month and read the blurb to get an idea……….

Here we go:

When she was brought forth into this life, she had no idea what it meant

That is just the first line, gotta think harder… as you can see… thinking is not my best ability today morning….

Off to make an omlette.. at least I waited till 12.12pm. Prior to that I had breakfast at 8.30am. Tea and two slices of bread and my daily vitamin pill.

A few more things

about me! ………..yes still on the open-ness theme. Here we go;

I started to write and got all weepy and tearful.. so I think I will wait this out.

Tears are due to fatigue, due to lack of sleep, weaning is not working well and I am pissed off and tired, booby milk seems to drying off and I cannot decide if that is good or bad.

Emotions are therefore close to the surface and I need to focus on something else apart from  me and how tired I am.

Its really hard to remember to do all that stuff at 4.00am in the morning when you’ve woke up like 3 times already

Because of all this, I am eating like shit because that is all that makes me feel better and it too cold to go out and I am too tired…

See what a ridiculous vicious cycle it is. God I am tired and angry!

Truth in all things?!

She is making me think about how open I am willing to be on my blog. I found her blog sometime back and have been hooked since then. She confirmed that she is not making it all up and it is about her life. I found myself thinking about her at odd times and the theme of my thoughts was towards the OPENESS of my own writing. I have been trying to wrap my head around that thought, being more open ; honesty is not real the issue here; everything I write is honest however it is not usually about the stuff that is in my heart.

I write about things I have no issue sharing with a person whom I have just met the “light things”. Apart from my Fresh Air post: You have no idea how many times I considered taking it down. I felt exposed and vulnerable, stupid too for having put it up. Then I went in to see how many people had read it and it was like 87, so it was too late to take it down.

I have been thinking a lot this morning about it and realise that I cannot be more open than I am because it could hurt people, it would give people the wrong impression of things. You read one post and an image of me or somelese in your mind is based on that one post. Yet yet, when I read Mona’s blog, its not her downs that draw me or her highs, it her humanity, her human-ness the totality of who she is and that to me is powerful.

I’m thinking people, I am still thinking and perhaps the open-ness will come in time, perhaps it won’t. Maybe it will stay confined to my “real life journals”(which I intend to burn soon because I seem to write in them only when I am on a down in my life and that much negativity is not healthy… good thing though is that I get it out of my system).

That’s as open as I can be! 🙂


Best news of the year…………………………………………   ……..        I AM GOING HOME FOR X-MAS!!!!!

When I finally pressed the “complete purchase” button the nervous energy in my brain was off the chart; like a kaleidescope of shooting bouncing lights in my brain. It’s the first time I get to celebrate my birthday and x-mas with part of my family in 6 years. Ok ok so it’s not like this is the first time I am going home in six years… it just that I have not done it over the x-mas period.

Best part of all is that the grandparents get to see the grandson! Not sure I will make it to Nairobi this time.. but I am not seeing how I cannot go and see Mum and the relatives especially with grandson in tow!

See some of ya all soon! heheheheh!

Night Weaning

Today or rather tonight the challenge begins. I woke up in a mood dangerous enough to chew someone’s head. No one presented themselves for the chewing. Baby daddy aka Big Al is away on work safari.

I was furious, stewing mad, a pot just waiting to bubble over. Reason: I did not sleep. The little bandit was at it again. Has been at it since day one and there are days when it’s just too much. Last night was one of them.

So I have decided to night wean him. I feel sorry for him already, but I just cannot do it anymore. Waking up every freaking hour and half so that he can feed for comfort is not a good excuse anymore.

I have read up on it and I am no more the wiser because everyone says something different. Its cold turkey for Nikh the night bandit. God help us both! I have no idea what I am doing! I am armed with my bottle of water for him. He adamantly refuses to drink formula milk. I have tried the 3 different brands and he is like “yuck, I only do 100% human organic”

Wish me luck and then some! And yes I have been praying for better nights since he was born, but on this issue the Lord seems to have remained resolutely silent!

Its all about the eyes!?

They say it’s in the eyes. That you can read a person by his eyes. They describe it in numerous ways: ice cold eyes, warm eyes, shifty eyes, dead eyes, laughing eyes, soulful eyes, sad eyes….. I could go on.

Thing is this though; I don’t get it. I swear! I have never looked at a person and thought the person had some kind of eyes-make your pick from the list above. I tend to look at the whole face. For me it’s in the face not only the eyes. Or is that what “they” mean when they say its all about the eyes. How does one have shifty eyes and what do warm eyes look like?

Its the whole look in the face, the flexed or relaxed muscles, the squint or widening of the eyes, the slackening or tightening of the mouth. Its the whole thing as well as the vibes sent off. All that together then I can say the person was cold or warm or whatever..refer to list above.

But then again, I have never really looked people in the eyes. Growing up, looking straight into peoples eyes was rude beyond. I tend to look just above, below, to the side of the eyes when speaking to people. I had to practice looking people in the eye when I came to Europe and even then it was as described previously.

Now I have set myself a mission to look people in the eye and describe the look. Maybe I will discover what it means when “they” say: His/her eyes said it all. They were, lost, confused, sad, laughing, cheeky, twinkling, sparkling, mournful……. ….. …. ….

Fresh Air Love

Disclaimer: I find it hard to write about love and stuff without crossing the “airing out my business in public” boundary. end of disclaimer

We are going through some things right now. Absolutely not nice but thankfully not THOSE kind of THINGS; you know the big kind, the ones called deal breakers. None of that. Its the same shit over and over again. Before we were too young to name it properly. Recently I had an epiphany. The cause of SSDD= same shit different day (thank you Stephen King for that experession) is ” In search of Satisfaction” or if you like “The pursuit of happyness” Both are titles of books that I have read and both aptly describe the cause of SSDD in our house. The epiphany came after perusing though my diaries. The stuff I was writing about in 2002 is the same stuff I am writing about today. (and yes I have been keeping some form of diary since I can remember, before Oprah and co. made it all de jour to journal… ask my sis!)

Last year I lost myself and had to find myself. Thankfully I did. In the midst of it all we fought a lot and hardly really talked things out. I was in a bad place and wanted/needed for him to be in a good place. My thinking was, at least one of us is OK. But we both weren’t. The relocation here and the subsequent losing of myself was taking a toll of both of us. Then the realisation that the job was not paying as it should. After taxes the take home pay was a joke.My thinking was “I left my job, my nice new house, to come to THIS” . Now MONEY was factoring into the whole thing. And there ain’t nothing like MONEY to bring things to a head. Then money stuff got sorted but still the AIR around us was stale and heavy with so much said and unsaid. So much disatisfaction, So much lostness but we bumbled through to the end of the year. As he aptly said “the moments of happiness have been few and in between”

So this year we begun to talk and I begun to listen more and not try and solve it. (raising my hand up admitting to my type A personality). I found out that it has not been all great for him. But I was too lost in my own issues;trying to keep from sinking and losing myself, new baby and all. SSDD again. Trying to make me a better person was the theme this year. Then finally I nailed it. I drew up lists, pros and cons the works and found out what it will take for ME to find SOME SATISFACTION. I had been unfair in the past. Looking to him to fulfill me. To be my friend, girlfriend, husband, lover, critique, EVERY THING and that was NOT RIGHT. Pointing the the speck in his eye and ignoring the forest in my own. He did this, he did the other, he did not do this, he bugging me, I’m going outta my mind with this man. Not knowing what I am DOING and NOT DOING. Feeling all saintly because everytime I asked, “is there anything you want me to change” he said “nope”. So smugness set it.

Then the rain fell and I got to hear about HOW I am not doing this, bugging him, driving him outta is mind.. you get the drift. It’s HARD HARD to sit and listen about your own shit. To hear and see how your mate SEES you, the person you are to him. That ish is hard to listen to. But I listened, I heard and added on my list of “things to improve about Mrembo”. Don’t get me wrong, some of it I don’t agree with. That which is true yeah, I`ll work on.

So there we were yesterday night or was it early today morning. 2.30am (i told you were are going through some things) talking, trying to find mid ground, trying to find satisfaction in this life. We talked, I heard, I hope he heard .. nothing was solved. Some things never get solved and that’s alright. I know , he knows. We are going in the same direction. We want the same things…. only thing is right now……we’re just going through some things and through it all;

Love remains!

PS. The title is not really connected to the body.. just loved the way it sounds.

Books: In Search of Satisfaction by J. California Cooper : Pursuit of Happyness ( that film in which Will Smith acts. I haven’t watched it but I have read the book)

Sinner on Strike

We have issues. Trust issues. I don’t trust HIM. There I said it. I’ve verbalized and recorded it for time immemorial. That is the crux of the matter. I DON’T TRUST GOD.  (now comes thunder and brimstone damning me to a life of eternal torture).

He says “Come let us reason together” and I come over and over again.  Many a times  it seems, feels and looks like HE disappoints or fails to deliever and so trust issues develop. They say trust is earned.

So I am pissed off at Him and at myself mostly at myself for believing that HE works the way He says in His book that He does. Oh yeah I get the mysterious workings thing… … so mysterious I don’t get it.

I count my blessings and thank HIM everytime we sit down to talk. What bothers me most is HIS silence and the ambiguity of HIS answers in response to my requests. Too much room left for coincidences, happenstance and life.

The other day I thought: “I don’t know who I fear most; the devil for the shit he can do to you, or God for allowing the shit to happen”

Thats where I am at with God.

This that or the other!

I was hoping the other “design” would grow on me. It didn’t; hence the new look. I don’t like it 120% but it will do for now.

Been working on two posts in my head. One about God (Nils I do tend to keep my promises) the other about love and relationships (as inspired by events in my home 🙂 ) but but but buuuuuttttt they aren’t gelling well.

Happy November folks!