Disclaimer: I find it hard to write about love and stuff without crossing the “airing out my business in public” boundary. end of disclaimer
We are going through some things right now. Absolutely not nice but thankfully not THOSE kind of THINGS; you know the big kind, the ones called deal breakers. None of that. Its the same shit over and over again. Before we were too young to name it properly. Recently I had an epiphany. The cause of SSDD= same shit different day (thank you Stephen King for that experession) is ” In search of Satisfaction” or if you like “The pursuit of happyness” Both are titles of books that I have read and both aptly describe the cause of SSDD in our house. The epiphany came after perusing though my diaries. The stuff I was writing about in 2002 is the same stuff I am writing about today. (and yes I have been keeping some form of diary since I can remember, before Oprah and co. made it all de jour to journal… ask my sis!)
Last year I lost myself and had to find myself. Thankfully I did. In the midst of it all we fought a lot and hardly really talked things out. I was in a bad place and wanted/needed for him to be in a good place. My thinking was, at least one of us is OK. But we both weren’t. The relocation here and the subsequent losing of myself was taking a toll of both of us. Then the realisation that the job was not paying as it should. After taxes the take home pay was a joke.My thinking was “I left my job, my nice new house, to come to THIS” . Now MONEY was factoring into the whole thing. And there ain’t nothing like MONEY to bring things to a head. Then money stuff got sorted but still the AIR around us was stale and heavy with so much said and unsaid. So much disatisfaction, So much lostness but we bumbled through to the end of the year. As he aptly said “the moments of happiness have been few and in between”
So this year we begun to talk and I begun to listen more and not try and solve it. (raising my hand up admitting to my type A personality). I found out that it has not been all great for him. But I was too lost in my own issues;trying to keep from sinking and losing myself, new baby and all. SSDD again. Trying to make me a better person was the theme this year. Then finally I nailed it. I drew up lists, pros and cons the works and found out what it will take for ME to find SOME SATISFACTION. I had been unfair in the past. Looking to him to fulfill me. To be my friend, girlfriend, husband, lover, critique, EVERY THING and that was NOT RIGHT. Pointing the the speck in his eye and ignoring the forest in my own. He did this, he did the other, he did not do this, he bugging me, I’m going outta my mind with this man. Not knowing what I am DOING and NOT DOING. Feeling all saintly because everytime I asked, “is there anything you want me to change” he said “nope”. So smugness set it.
Then the rain fell and I got to hear about HOW I am not doing this, bugging him, driving him outta is mind.. you get the drift. It’s HARD HARD to sit and listen about your own shit. To hear and see how your mate SEES you, the person you are to him. That ish is hard to listen to. But I listened, I heard and added on my list of “things to improve about Mrembo”. Don’t get me wrong, some of it I don’t agree with. That which is true yeah, I`ll work on.
So there we were yesterday night or was it early today morning. 2.30am (i told you were are going through some things) talking, trying to find mid ground, trying to find satisfaction in this life. We talked, I heard, I hope he heard .. nothing was solved. Some things never get solved and that’s alright. I know , he knows. We are going in the same direction. We want the same things…. only thing is right now……we’re just going through some things and through it all;
PS. The title is not really connected to the body.. just loved the way it sounds.
Books: In Search of Satisfaction by J. California Cooper : Pursuit of Happyness ( that film in which Will Smith acts. I haven’t watched it but I have read the book)