A few things about me

Archive for January, 2008

Pray?:*!

I have not been able to pray in a long long long time: It has felt futile and pointless. Let me be honest, I did pray the other day. I prayed for my son, that God would bless him, that he would grow to be a man of integrity, honor and be a man’s man. I felt that perhaps God would hear this prayer.

Prior to this prayer, I do not remember when I last spoke with the Almighty. My faith is being eroded. A part of me is CERTAIN that it will not be completely gone, however the fundamentals of what I believe ARE SHIFTING towards what……. I am not sure. I have drafted so many prayers in my head to God. I have called HIM out. I have said that surely if the prophets of old, would sit and reason with HIM surely surely HE can do the same today. (perhaps I have been found unworthy….)

The chaos in Kenya leaves me wondering about the Christian God and HIS whereabouts during this crisis. THEY BURNED PEOPLE IN YOUR HOUSE. They keep doing this all the time ALL THE TIME. THEY did it in Rwanda AND again and again YOU KEEP SILENT?

WHY?? WHY…. do YOU see why it becomes so so HARD to keep the faith. Are we simply pawns on a chess board in a game far beyond our comprehension. If so why then give us this intelligence. I am sorry, YOUR MYSTERIOUS WAYS OF WORKING don’t cut it with me anymore.

I want to stamp my feet and say “ITS OVER, I CAN’T DO THIS ANYMORE”. I figure that You and Allah have either absconded duty or are bewildered. .. I don’t know anymore.

I just don’t know… so I end in the way I have been ending every one of my monologues

God, if YOU are there YOU who made this world, I don’t know who you are, where you are, what name you go by, but I am talking to the one who made this Universe, IF you are there, STAND UP AND BE COUNTED.

I know I promised but I cannot be quiet.

I am hurt and hurting by the falling apart of Kenya. I have been talking and reasoning with myself, trying to grapple with the matter in the end I have come to the following conclusion.

I am hurt because the place I call home, the place I have been proud of, the people of whom I once said “Kenyans can’t have war, they have seen it around them and they have too much to loose” is falling apart. The beast of carnation and death has been unleashed and now cannot be reigned in. His rule of terror and bloodshed will last a while longer but eventually will end. Its the “while longer” that troubles me.

I spoke to mum today and asked her if she planned on relocating to our shags if the area where she lives gets dangerous. She was hesitant and said.. “Shags is safe, lakini, if things get bad here, I cannot leave the house unmanned. If it is empty they would destroy it”. I understand where she is coming from but at the same time I want her safe.

The threat of war does not really trouble me. Wars come and go, it is part of life. My surviving relatives in Uganda are testament to the fact that war has its survivors and that not everyone has the opportunity to be a refugee some place some where. The death of many innocents does not trouble me as much, again, it is part of life and if I was to start moralising about the evils and unfairness of life, I would be here a long time. What seems to be bothering me is the WHY of it all. WHY are so many people willing to have bloodstained hands. WHY are people willing to LIVE the rest of their lives with that stain. WHY and HOW does this SHETANI of war and murder get into EVERYDAY people’s minds and convince people it’s ok to go and kill so and so because he is luo, kikuyu, kisii, kalenji….etc etc.

Ethnic pride.. I understand, what I do not understand is when we cross a barrier into “we are better than them, they should die”. We have seen it in Rwanda, the pot is currently cooking in Uganda, I see it here in Europe in the guise of Extreme Right wing parties.

Perhaps it is human nature, the balance of things, that humans kill themselves in the name of whatever “ism” catches their fancy.

It is the rule of leaders and the law the supposedly keep things in check. Keep the beast leashed, until a time when he is ready to be unleashed to wreak his havoc.

Just a while longer and Kenya shall be ok… the question here now is HOW LONG.

Do I believe that there will be healing between the waring tribes. Not in my lifetime. I don’t see how. I don’t think it is a class, money or disparity thing anymore. I think our turn as a Nation has come and we have to ride this one out.

To the ODM leadership: I watched Odinga’s speech today on BBC. Mr. Odinga, your speech was okayish at best. My one criticsm is this. Why can you and your party not wait for things to settle. What do you loose in waiting two three months for tempers and hearts to cool. Why do you use such inciting words like “stolen” “rightful” murdered?
To PNU leadership: President Kibaki: If ODM has said they want peaceful demonstrations, let them do it. Let them have their rallies: And while you are at it. Why have you not called for a curfew in the whole of Kenya. People should be home by 7.00pm. Why have you not deployed your army to the areas with madness. Mzee, Kazi imkushinda?

The Crook in You

Over my x-mas holidays the family and I had a very interesting discussion after I posed the the following question.

A brief suspension of reality is required.

Imagine this, one day,doing your normal everyday stuff, you stumble across a bag full of ONE MILLION POUNDS cash money đŸ™‚ . No-one in sight, no cameras,  nothing. Just you and the money. You take the money.

What would you do with it? How would you spend it.

Here is a fact about Europe: You cannot buy a house, car, or REALLY expensive stuff CASH. Most large expenses have to be paid for through the bank in one way or another… that is… there has to be a paper trail.

Another fact: They are always watching you! hehehehe….. the tax people.

Oh Lord?!

I want to blog other stuff… but the political stuff just keeps getting in my way. After my last post, I PROMISED myself that I WILL NOT BLOG POLITICS.

Thus I hereby pledge not to be anywhere near WORDPRESS when I READ, HEAR OR SEE stuff about  CURRENT KENYAN POLITICS on the news. More importantly, I PROMISE TO VENT at the TV or in the BATHROOM.

But before I go my last word about politics is……… …………

Those people at ODM… all of them…. EVERYONE OF THEM is STUPID.

Idiocy

I watched the BBC interview of Raila and I have to say that the idiot is danda. How the fuck is he going to ask for the West to withhold AID. I am not a fan of AID, however our economy relies on IT and once withdrawn it will RAM the common man so hard. Things are already thick and we do not need it. To ask for that is to take the country down the Zimbabwe path even though he said that is what they are preventing.

RAILA does not care. Yes election was stolen big deal. Even Bush rigged elections but did the country fall apart???

RAILA is a power hungry idiot, willing to drive his country to the ground. DOES he honestly think Kibaki and co give a shit??? Why call for riots when things are still so tense. HE KNOWS it will be chaotic. Kwani what kind of strategists do they have. Are they all STUPID?

Someone needs to shoot the man already.

And yes I am aware of the agrument that KENYA cannot go back to how it was before. In the same breath I give you IRAQ during Saddam and IRAQ post Saddam. You decide.

Thing is ODM is fighting the GOV’T and they stand to lose whichever way you look at it. If Kibaki agrees to ati STEP down, he will have WRITTEN HISTORY. And we KNOW that is not going to happen.

I need to blame someone so I am going to blame ODM and Odinga. and first of all, he is not even articulate…. Idiot! YEAH I said it, now what?

I am this fucking pissed AND I AM SITTING IN DENMARK! I cannot imagine what it is like for those in Kenya. Poleni sana.

Why…..Because

I have been thinking about it for some time. They say that in order to solve a problem one should get to the ROOT of the issue. The word WHY is usually applied when digging to the root.

I don’t know when it dawned on me; it may have been with the passage of time or a point in time, I don’t know. All I know is that from a certain time, I was aware of the FACT that Kikuyus and Luos do not like each other.

Why?

Some bloggers have argued that the violence is not simply a result of the election results; instead the results have been the “final straw that broke the camels back”.

So again I ask, Why has there been / is there a dislike between the two most populous tribes in Kenya.

New Beginings

I am guessing that the majority of readers of this blog are Kenyans and much as it may not feel so, I would like to wish EVERYONE a HAPPY NEW YEAR! For so many of us, the new year has begun with a lot of tension and uncertainity however HOPE prevails for the new year.

I will not be blogging about Kenyan Politics. Reason being:

  1. I do not avidly read Kenyan newspapers.
  2. My emotions are running high  thus I am likely to spew nothing but stupidity.
  3.  There are better commentaries about the situation on other blogs.
  4. I am not “on ground” so all my information is from blogs, Western Media and phone calls home.
  5. It’s stressing me out.

On to what I want to say.

So 2008 is here and what an ending to 2007. We spent 4 weeks in Uganda and got back a day or two ago. Yesterday there was a constant knot of tears logged in my throat. I woke up to a grey, dull, cold morning and I just wanted to go back to the sweltering heat of Uganda. Life here is SO SO different and ALONE. That is the one aspect of being here that I absolutely do not like.

However good news awaited us. Nikh has got a place in daycare starting Feb. I have decided to have him in for 25hours a week to start off with. That means 8.00am to 1.00pm everyday. Still toying with that decision. 25hrs is the minimum time one can pay for, so he may be there less hours, but we would still have to pay for 25hrs.

Not sure if I want to look for work or go back to language school. Language school appeals because I have to master this language in order to do what I WANT to do later. While in Ug, we dinned with a family friend who is a Doctor. He studied in Germany, speaks fluent German. He ENCOURAGED me to learn the language PAT DOWN then look for work. I find myself agreeing with him. It will take time, but once I master it, the sky is my limit. My challenge now is to find a GOOD SCHOOL that focuses on getting me to learn the language well. I have given myself 2008 to do that.

Other things are weighing on my mind. To have another baby or not to. That is the BIGGEST question of 2008. I turned 31 in December 2007. Ideally I would like to have 2 or 3 children. (If we were swimming in money, I think I would gun for 4 babies đŸ™‚ ….. yup, Nikh has grown on me). My cousin who is my agemate , whom I went to highschool with, who is a VERY IMPORTANT aunty to Nikh, thinks I should focus on finishing the baby thing so that by the time I am 35 years old, I can put my UTERUS into retirement. I am in agreement. but but but………… decisions decisions.

I once used to suffer from EXTREME COMPARISONITIS. (for those not in the know, comparisonitis is the act of looking at others and what they have and feeling bad that you do not have the same or more. In my case it used to be followed by “I coulda, woulda….if only I had not…..imagine we went to the same school……. )

I met some of my classmates. I will tell you ……..financially, girls are doing very well. After these few meeting, the condition TRIED to raise it’s ugly head and I bashed it down successfully and thanked God for my blessings.

That’s about all from me. I have ALOT to say. it will come out with time.

My holiday was LOVELY, BEAUTIFUL. Oh I almost forgot, I managed to transit for a few minutes in Nairobi and I SAW MY MUM. Had not seen her in a year. Gotta say MY MUMMY IS BEAUTIFUL. She looked so good and young. IT WAS GOOD that I got to see her and most importantly she saw her grandson. She will be coming to visit. Thank you God.

Till later.