A few things about me

Archive for April, 2008

What’s cooking tonight

Its 10mins to 1.00pm. Since I got out of bed I have been trying to figure out what to cook for dinner tonight. I am fresh out of ideas… so help a girl out. Sometimes meal ideas simply seem to run away from me… know what I mean?

So….whatcha cooking tonight?  🙂

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Hi

Just a little something to say “Hi” to Midnighttraintojoburg . I dropped by your place. So lovely. Wanted to stop and say a few things but could not because you had locked out “anonymous” guests and only those with blogger are able to say hi. Any possibilities of you opening up the visitors door so that the rest of us can say hi?

Mid-Life Adoloscence

……. is the only logical explanation as to why I want a bikini, tattoo and skinny jeans . I mean what the heck am I going to do with a bikini. This is what I am asking myself. The other part of me says “because I want one, and I am going to wear it” and I am like “where in the world will you wear it? “I just want one”.

The tattoo, I already know the shop where I will have it done, now I just need to pluck the courage to walk in to browse through their catalouge. Nothing big or scary. It will be somewhere inconspicuous.

As for the skinny jeans, I have been hunting throughout town but alas I hunt in vain. The fact that I cannot find them in my size should tell me something.. but no…no… Mrembo wants skinny jeans so that she can dress like this

These (above) are the longer type which EVERYONE has been wearing during winter with the kinda big baggy shifty shirt/dress blouse tops.

Then these (above) shorter ones are what are now on sale for summer, cause you get to wear them with flats or heels. I intend to wear with flats.

Above is an example of the tops (buggy, dressy/shirt blouse or whatever the right name is) paired with skinny jeans.

Now if Queen Latifah and Beyonce can get them in thier sizes, why am I not finding mine?? I am an in-between size of the two ladies. Not small like Bey and not big like Queen, kinda in the middle.

(All photos courtesy of Gettyimages.) Its really hard to find images to exemplify what I am thinking. You can visit http://www.gademode.dk to see whats being worn in my city.

A bonus pic of Queen. She is like my fashion icon. I love love the way she dresses. Who said larger ladies can’t be hot!

Angry Loneliness

This post was not going to happen. Earlier this evening it had been shaping itself in my head. As it grew I decided not to post. Too much negativity was what I thought. I shut down the computer, watched the end of Grey’s Anatomy (I cannot stand Izzy and O’malley ugh! And Grey ugh, ugh, ugh …. stupid chick, you have a man get with it already…… why the heck do I watch the show). I tried to go to bed. My butt touched the mattress and I realised I was carrying too much anger that needed to get out; so here I am.

I have been feeling angry and lonely. Let me explain. The anger is easy. I do not function very well without sleep. I can go about my day to day stuff, but my emotions, primarily my baser emotions come to a head quickly. The last few days have been tough. Thankfully Baby has been excellent during the day. He is so cute by the way. Giving me kisses and greeting me “Hiiiii” when he walks into a room. Big Al being away has meant I have been on parenting duty round the clock without a break, hence the anger. To all the single mums/dads, I salute you.

I said I have been lonely. Not lonely for a man kinda loneliness. I gotta a man. But lonely for “real life friends and social life lonely”. When I went home in Dec 07 it became glaringly obvious what kind of social life I miss while here in DK. I miss going for weddings, funerals, engagement parties, girlfriend stuff. I miss going to my aunties for tea, inviting cousins over for a drink. I just miss plain old Ugandan social life. This loneliness usually comes and goes but recently is has been visiting for a bit longer, making me really look at my life here and ask some really hard questions. The only consistent thought is “I don’t know how long I can do this” “Will it ever change”. England was not so bad with regards to social life. I had a few friends and work colleagues and that fulfilled “social needs”. Life here has been too isolated.

I am back to my drawing board looking at the pros and cons of being in Denmark vs Uganda. Then I think. Ok if this is the price I am going to pay for having moved here, then let me at least have a freaking good house. Let me use the little money we have so far and furnish my house the way I want. We can’t yet buy a house. I need to start work for that to happen. I am starting work in August(don’t ask me what kind of work but I WILL. With that thought in mind, I went furniture shopping with baby. He was so well behaved, almost like he knew mommy is walking a thin line. I didn’t go to just any store.. (I am so through with cheapass stuff)….I went to a high end store and oooooh! oooh.. I fell in love. See I need a new living room set and carpet. A whole guest room set. I swear endorphins started flowing while I was in that shop. I saw my living room curtains, my Stressless sofas in leather, the guest room bed, wardrobes, bedside stool the works. I was salivating, my heart was pumping. Did I say baby was behaving. I could not believe it. It tickled me to think,just imagine Big Al comes home and I have got all this stuff in the house. God would he blow a gasket. Do I care!!! 🙂

Jesus save me!, I have morphed into one of those suburban…oops, I meant ghetto wives that shops. But that is what happens when something is missing and in this case it is a social life.

I was really angry. Angry because I am lonely and lonely because I don’t have the social life I had or want. Angry because I feel that the price is too high and the sacrifice too big and that I cannot do this anymore. Now I am just a little sad, feeling sorry for myself. I don’t give a shit if you think that I have it made and I should not be feeling sorry for myself. Its my party and I can do what I want!

Maybe it is time to live on the wild side. Let me go shopping tomorrow and see what happens. Oh almost forgot to say I found the skinny jeans I was looking for.

Totally pathetic is it not… I shop to feel good.

For all you wondering about being lonely yet she is married has a kid yada yada yada.. … just keep on yada yada-ring.. some things are way beyond your understanding.

That feels good!

Tonight, I just need to be a self-pitying, ungrateful, tired, angry, lonely African Woman trying to make it here in Denmark. Sometimes life can really suck. Tomorrow I will be grateful and positive.

Goodnight.

Today’s Mixed dish

And here I was saying that my muse had disappeared. Seems he is back with a vengeance.

Life Lessons: I know I am supposed to be learning a few things about me and my life especially since I came to Denmark. Infact the biggest one I believe I have been trying to figure out has been “What the decision to move to Denmark a colossal one”. Another one of them is certainly to do with PATIENCE. I have learned and now in the process of accepting that I must endure patience that with time I will be able to do all I want to do. That this is a period I should savour and relax. I must use this time to plan and pray (or visualise) about the future. What I have been trying to figure out is what is the lesson in Nikh sleeping habits. I know there is a lesson or two in there and God you know I am trying to figure them out. Sooner than later please.

Of late my uncles statement “those you hold dear may not necessarily hold you as dear and those whom you don’t hold so dear may be the ones who will cross oceans for you”  has been making rounds in my head.  I learned the lesson long ago, so why is this now again?

Unrequited love: I have been witness to someones mental and emotional breakdown due to unrequited love. I used to think that stuff like that happens to OTHERS not people I know. Well now it has come rather close to my door and I am left in awe of the mind and heart’s ability to simple break under such emotional turmoil. I have never (not yet) been dumped so in all truth I cannot understand that pain.  In conversation with a friend, I shared the situation and in her wisdom she said (I am translating from my language) : As surely as it begun be sure that this too will come to an end. That is the one thing I am sure of. How long it takes is another matter. At this point the person concerned needs to go through this on their own. There is nothing y’all can do. Absolutely nothing. For me a similar situation showed me my weaknesses. Showed me where I needed to strengthen my mind and heart. She said more but that was the part that she stressed and I find myself agreeing with her.

The closest I have ever come to heart break was in standard 3, 4 and 5.  Especially in standard 5 when my whole class for a whole term decided they would not talk to me because my then nemesis  had decreed it. I do not remember what brought it on, but I learned at an early age what it meant to be in then out. My little heart broke then and to this day, this day, that whole situation still brings tears to my eyes…. So is this what makes me certain that if Big Al decided to leave tomorrow I would not break down? Does one have the power to prevent such breakdowns. I believe everyone has their breaking point; for some its love, others death of a spouse or child, others lose of material wealth dreams etc. I know my shattered dreams almost broke me… So I guess it is just a matter of where your heart is….. or am I simplifying it too much.

Why do I care: She came into class today. Another African yippe. She was introduced to me and told that I am Ugandan. She simply glanced at me with an “eh” expression on her face, dismissed me and turned back to her friends. I said “I am from next door” with a smile on my face “Oh Uganda” she responded with a bothered face and for the second time in those fleeting seconds I knew I had been dismissed. She chatted with her friends and left. So why the fuck is it bothering me. I have been asking myself: Mrembo, what did you want her to do, jump up and down just because she has met another African? Don’t be silly, you know how it is. Just because I am black 🙂 doesn’t mean she is interested. Stop thinking about it. 
See I already feel better about the situation.

And finally: Today is Autism Awareness Day: Since I had Nikh I keep catching stuff about Autism on TV. From the Oprah Show, to Larry King various documentaries to the point I am getting paranoid. I refused to get Nikh the new vaccine that came out. I talked to my doctor and she was nonchalant about it… so I was like.. less is better.  He was due for MMR sometime this month and I have postponed it until he is free from all cold viruses he has had. I was talking about breaking me. Autism would finish me. Today I watched CNNs special broadcast about it and I am in awe of the parents of Autistic children. May God bless them all. I think my cause may have found me.

Goodnight good people.

Blubber Mouth

Sometimes I outdo even the worst of them. Today was one of those days. Don’t you just hate those people in a class/meeting/seminar etc who for whatever reason, always have an answer, contribution or point of view. Yup that was me today.

 Since I started language school two weeks ago, I have been censoring myself. “Keep your mouth shut Mrembo”. “You have nothing to say here so keep your hand down” So far I have been doing well, but today, oh Lord today, my mouth run away with me, my hand just kept shooting up to answer questions. For the life of me I just could not keep quiet. Why?? To make matters twice, TWICE I veered completely off topic into irrelevanc Why??

 I talk a lot. I know that. I used to be a horrible listener. You could hardly get a word in edgewise when I was on the roll. To make matters worse the few times I would listen, I had an even bigger, better, sadder, scarier story to tell. By doing this I thought I was empathising. (now and again I catch myself doing it and have to check myself) Talk about big ego, selfishness and miscued empathy . Then one day, while on a cheap date with a guy I used to have a thing with, the light was switched on and I saw myself as I was.

After pouring out his pain I said nothing. (thank you Jesus!). This time I did not have a friend, relative or a “there was this time” situation.  After some silence he turned to me with a slyish sarcastic smile and said “Interesting that today you do not have a similar story to share to ease my pain” or something to that effect. My ears burned hot. He had outed me. To this day I thank God that this guy passed through my life because he was the only one who ever had the courage point out that particular character flaw. He may not have meant it kindly, it does not matter. What matters is that the job was done. From henceforth I have tried and I know I have become a better listener.

 So why oh why did the flood gates at the door of my mouth come tumbling down today?

 

I hear a whisper saying “it is when you feel insecure and when you want people to like you that you begin to blubber”……. Let me go on and ponder that little nugget of information and I will tell you whether I agree or not.