A few things about me

Angry Loneliness

This post was not going to happen. Earlier this evening it had been shaping itself in my head. As it grew I decided not to post. Too much negativity was what I thought. I shut down the computer, watched the end of Grey’s Anatomy (I cannot stand Izzy and O’malley ugh! And Grey ugh, ugh, ugh …. stupid chick, you have a man get with it already…… why the heck do I watch the show). I tried to go to bed. My butt touched the mattress and I realised I was carrying too much anger that needed to get out; so here I am.

I have been feeling angry and lonely. Let me explain. The anger is easy. I do not function very well without sleep. I can go about my day to day stuff, but my emotions, primarily my baser emotions come to a head quickly. The last few days have been tough. Thankfully Baby has been excellent during the day. He is so cute by the way. Giving me kisses and greeting me “Hiiiii” when he walks into a room. Big Al being away has meant I have been on parenting duty round the clock without a break, hence the anger. To all the single mums/dads, I salute you.

I said I have been lonely. Not lonely for a man kinda loneliness. I gotta a man. But lonely for “real life friends and social life lonely”. When I went home in Dec 07 it became glaringly obvious what kind of social life I miss while here in DK. I miss going for weddings, funerals, engagement parties, girlfriend stuff. I miss going to my aunties for tea, inviting cousins over for a drink. I just miss plain old Ugandan social life. This loneliness usually comes and goes but recently is has been visiting for a bit longer, making me really look at my life here and ask some really hard questions. The only consistent thought is “I don’t know how long I can do this” “Will it ever change”. England was not so bad with regards to social life. I had a few friends and work colleagues and that fulfilled “social needs”. Life here has been too isolated.

I am back to my drawing board looking at the pros and cons of being in Denmark vs Uganda. Then I think. Ok if this is the price I am going to pay for having moved here, then let me at least have a freaking good house. Let me use the little money we have so far and furnish my house the way I want. We can’t yet buy a house. I need to start work for that to happen. I am starting work in August(don’t ask me what kind of work but I WILL. With that thought in mind, I went furniture shopping with baby. He was so well behaved, almost like he knew mommy is walking a thin line. I didn’t go to just any store.. (I am so through with cheapass stuff)….I went to a high end store and oooooh! oooh.. I fell in love. See I need a new living room set and carpet. A whole guest room set. I swear endorphins started flowing while I was in that shop. I saw my living room curtains, my Stressless sofas in leather, the guest room bed, wardrobes, bedside stool the works. I was salivating, my heart was pumping. Did I say baby was behaving. I could not believe it. It tickled me to think,just imagine Big Al comes home and I have got all this stuff in the house. God would he blow a gasket. Do I care!!! 🙂

Jesus save me!, I have morphed into one of those suburban…oops, I meant ghetto wives that shops. But that is what happens when something is missing and in this case it is a social life.

I was really angry. Angry because I am lonely and lonely because I don’t have the social life I had or want. Angry because I feel that the price is too high and the sacrifice too big and that I cannot do this anymore. Now I am just a little sad, feeling sorry for myself. I don’t give a shit if you think that I have it made and I should not be feeling sorry for myself. Its my party and I can do what I want!

Maybe it is time to live on the wild side. Let me go shopping tomorrow and see what happens. Oh almost forgot to say I found the skinny jeans I was looking for.

Totally pathetic is it not… I shop to feel good.

For all you wondering about being lonely yet she is married has a kid yada yada yada.. … just keep on yada yada-ring.. some things are way beyond your understanding.

That feels good!

Tonight, I just need to be a self-pitying, ungrateful, tired, angry, lonely African Woman trying to make it here in Denmark. Sometimes life can really suck. Tomorrow I will be grateful and positive.

Goodnight.

Comments on: "Angry Loneliness" (16)

  1. The price we pay to be here! Hopefully kesho will be a better day for you.

  2. I so understand how you feel. I currently have more than enough on my plate…namely work, 2 kids and school but I do find myself missing the social life back home too. I try not to allow myself to dwell on what I’m missing (the grass is always greener on the other side after all) but then again it’s probably easier for me being that I hardly have time for a pity party. It will get better once you start working,..or start living your potential. Even if you’re still not able to do whatever it is your heart desires (in terms of work), once you start working towards whatever ‘this thing’ is, your days will be a whole lot brighter.

    I love my kids to death but I don’t feel guilty admitting that I have a desire to do more than just rear my kids. On the occasional day that I have to stay home sick with one of them, I catch myself getting restless and wondering how some moms do this every day! I do enjoy the opportunity to sleep in (which doesn’t happen often) but once the day picks up and the neighbourhood gets all empty (of cars)and quiet I can’t help but feel like everyone’s out there doing something with their lives while I’m stuck here listening to the sound of aeroplanes in the sky(don’t ask-I just can’t stand that sound). So, just because you desire more than spending time with your little man (and your big man too!) doesn’t make you an ungrateful person.

    Don’t let yourself lose that momentum for life. Do what you can to enrich and build on yourself, enjoy your little guy (they don’t stay little for long) and once in a while it doesn’t help to think of the millions who given a chance would like to switch places with you!

  3. Kenyan Pundit said:

    Can you travel back home more often? The bursts of social activity can sustain you… Or is there a compromise country?

  4. @ Farmgal- Today is certainly a good day.

    @ Irene – you totally understand what I am talking about. So true about the grass being greener. That is what I keep getting back to. I have a good network of friends “on the phone”.. but it just ain’t the same. Starting language school as also been very good for me. All in all things are moving towards good stuff albeit slowly. Thanks for the words of encouragement.

    @ Kenyan Pundit- I already go home more than most. For the past 3 years I have been home every year. Actually since I came to Europe I have been going home almost every year…so more is not an option. As for compromise country.. that is another post on its own.

    WordPress seems to have changed things. Can’t seem to respond within the comments.

  5. To positivity!!

  6. It can only get better from here.

  7. {{{Mrembo}}} hope you better now. Chin up this too will pass.

  8. hi Mrembo,

    Have you ever read anything by Buchi Emecheta? If you haven’t, start with Second-Class Citizen, I’m sure you’ll like it. It’s quite an interesting read. Something about this post reminded me of that book.

    I’ll be more than happy to get you a copy if you email me your address. Take care.
    Linda

  9. I feel your pain gal, in some ways I can relate because even though there are Kenyans out there; I am not in the Kenyan mix and still you cant just go to someone’s house given the distances and the schedules people keep out here.
    Plus appearances aside Americans arent the most sociable people to foreigners in this day and age. At least you get to go home, in that area I envy you.
    Just stick in there, you are not alone!

  10. @31337:- I join you in toasting to positivity.

    @Prou & Gish: Things are actually good and did get better. Sometimes as I am sure you know, I feel down and things just get to me. Then I blog to get it out, otherwise I end up carrying it and that just leads to bad things all around. Thanks for the hugs.

    @Linda: I believe i have read only one of her books about two years ago. That is if I am thinking of the right person. She is a Nigerian writer is she not?

    @Aco: Good to know that there are people who understand the feeling. … though not sure I should be glad at there are people feeling the same way.

  11. To be honest…every foreigner goes through that stage..especially depending on how long you have been here…I am getting to that stage..although all my friends are here..I want to go back to my people, my land, but and I repeat BUT! life is soooooooo hard, you are really sometimes better off here. We have been softened up..we now have feelings..we are not numb…people back home are numb, they will do anything to get by…I say..keep yourself very busy and enjoy life…your blood is where you are from…not your ID.

  12. And you wonder how people get addicted to booze. Home is best, if only those greedy fools in government would behave, I’d go back.

  13. @K: I find myself agreeing with everything you said. I have been having an little introspection since I posted this and giving myself a little kick up the backside. On the same hand I will not deny what I feel and my writing about it gets it out of the system.

    @Bomesh: Now booze is scary..but I hear you.

  14. I admire your honesty…

    how about you create a project or something just for you. If you wish for a social life, how about you create one that revolves around you and your home?
    Throw a party and invite anyone that you know. It could be just to watch a movie that reminds you of home so that can introduce your culture to your new friends…
    It can be a Ugandan food tasting event
    A book reading or something…

    U will think of something. And you will find people to participate because you are not alone

  15. Hopefully now you’re feeling all better… wonder how I’ll deal with it when i finally move to DK!

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