The past two or so weeks have been weeks of a lot of personal awareness and growth. The kind that I could quiet frankly do without but grateful that I am learning because …”such is life”.
I have learned that;
- I have an annoying terrible sense of expectation and sense of “I deserve abc” attitude.
- Piggy backing on the above is my unwillingness to apply myself i.e. work hard. I do not like to put in the required effort that is needed reap the benefits of the things I want. I want to get what I want without too much hard work and without sacrifice. Case in point. I want to lose weight and still eat what I want to eat anytime I want to eat. I want the body without the effort. Yet I know that for me, (unlike some people I know) effort is required. I have to feel the pain, embrace the hunger if I want the body I want. But..nooo.. not Ms Mrembo. I want it easy. Where in the world did I develop this attitude?
- I have become very good at making up excuses to myself for myself. “I am too tired”. “Just another break here”. “it was never meant to be” all the while excusing myself from working hard because I just don’t feel like and because I think that “since I have been a generally good person, I deserve to get what I want. Even Big Al has noticed. I used to accuse him of this (yup he was guilty of it kabisa) These days he tells me I have picked up all his bad habits. Nothing is ever my fault. Me? admit I am wrong…heh! I was never this bad.. actually I was, I just never knew. I thought I had learned this lesson and applied it. I think I had in certain areas, but in certain areas I am still lacking. Case in point. After 2 years in Denmark and 1year 6 months of supervised classes in Danish I still suck at grammar. Why! Because when it was first pointed out to me, I did not take it serious and do what needed to be done. I tried, but it was not on my list of priorities. Now I am paying the price. I sit the exam in November. My grammar sucks for my level. Hence I have been working day in day out doing grammar. How do you practice grammar. You write sentences and get them corrected. (Theres nothing like trying to write a composition on an easy topic and getting stumped on the very first word of your composition … that’s writing in a new language for you). So here is me getting pissed because now I have to work hard and I don’t want to because it’s cramping my style and free time and because it’s hard. Plain simple hard!
- And finally, attached to all this is a sneaky sense of laziness. Today that thing has bitten me in the ass so hard that there was no escaping the glaring truth about this aspect of me. I was so pissed off at myself and pissed off that I was looking for someone, something to blame and there was no one or anything because it was all my fault simply because I was not willing to make the effort. Let me elaborate. Parking a car in this town is not free ok it sorta is..for two hours it is.. in certain places. I have already been ticketed once before because I was parked in a place longer than I should have. The first time it did not bother me so much because I had driven around looking for a free place and thought that the spot had unlimited parking time. The fact that I made the diligent effort to seek out a “free parking” zone lessened the bite of the fine.. which in case you are wondering is DKK510.00 to be exact. That is usually the amount I use for our weeks shopping. Anyway, today, I parked the car at 8.00am in a 2hr parking spot. Every car in Denmark has a little sticker clock thing. When you park your car in these zones you adjust the time to show what time you parked the car. At 10.00am, I usually go and change the time to 10.00am. Ideally I should move the car, but I was told it is enough to do so.
- So today I am chatting to classmates during break. I remember I have to change the time. I talk myself out of it. I continue chatting because I am having a good time. Break is over. I get back to my seat. School is out. I go to the car and voila! Parking ticket! I was so f…ing pissed! yani.. It would not be so painful if I was working or if I had genuinely forgotten. Noooo…. Ms Mrembo had to talk! See what I mean about being lazy and lacking disciple. Now I am paying the price and it pinches cause this month things are tight with us budgeting and all.
I could go on and on with one example after another. These realities were brought home after a lot of introspection brought on by a bunch of disappointments in the past 2 weeks. But I see it now. I know what it’s all about and I am trying to embrace it all. I GET IT!
So that’s me for now. I am hoping that, in December, if and when I do read this, I will be able to see growth in these areas of my life. I have set out a number of things all related to these issues that I want to have achieved by December. If I have achieved them, then I know that I have learned this lessons, applied them and passed with flying colors. If not. I am going to have to repeat “personal growth class 101” and that is something I am not willing to do. I do not repeat class.