A few things about me

That that I owe!

I promised to blog about my self esteem and confidence in relation to my current job and having been jobless.

My career is a very hot sensitive topic in my house. Big Al always approaches with caution, whether he brings up the topic or I do. Why? Because I always always end up in tears and a MOOD!

It’s 6 mins to 2.00pm whereafter I switch off my computer, buzz around the house like a bee doing house work before I go pick the baby at 3.00pm.

I cannot do the post justice and I am not to sure if I want to digout the feelings or discuss them. It’s too close to the heart and there is a tendency for me to come out as self pitying and negative which is currently and has been for sometime.. very far from the truth of me.

What I will say though is this : I think I have lost my ability to believe in the validity my dreams and believe in the rightness of my choices. The Mrembo who used to be very sure of certain things , she who was fearless in her dreams and choices is gone, gone for good and in her place stands a Mrembo who is “less in a hurry”, less steady on her feet.. but moving along.. quieter in spirit and soul”. Sometimes I feel like a very bright bulb switched off  (a false bulb perhaps) and in its place a gently glowing bulb.. that is glowing but has not yet reached its full brilliance. And all around me a these 220 watts shining bulbs.

So there is a hope, a flame….but that old burning bright fire.. that’s gone and I am not sure I am all too sad about that. I miss my daring dreams, my defiant ambitions. I do miss that certainty about things.. don’t know if this is part of growing up.. or it is just part of having lost and  trying to regain..

Like I said.. I am ok with things now.. I have hope.. but not stupid hope. IN the meanwhile I reach out and take what is infront of me.

See I told you the propensity to sound broken, down and out.. is always around when I have to talk about it.

This will have to do for now.. until I gather myself better!

Running 10 mins behind schedule!


Comments on: "That that I owe!" (8)

  1. There’s hope still…you’re still young. Things might not happen in the order in which you had planned but you will achieve your potential some day.

  2. Hi Mrembo, I stand aside reading this entry and I have to share this quote – hope it encourages you.

    “Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness, that most frightens us. We ask ourselves, who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, and fabulous? Actually, who are you not to be? You are a child of God. Your playing small doesn’t serve the world. There’s nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people won’t feel insecure around you. We are all meant to shine, as children do. We are born to make manifest the glory of God that is within us. It’s not just in some of us, it’s in everyone. And as we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same. As we are liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others.” The above speech by Nelson Mandela was originally written by Marianne Williamson who is the author of other similar material.”

  3. @ Irene and Sunnykay: Asanteni. SunnyKay… .. if only you knew the struggle I have been having with that very line of thought. that will be a post for time… very far in the future.

  4. kenyanreality said:

    Hi Mrembo,

    I think I understand you. I think 🙂 Some 5 or so years ago I made my peace with years of shattered career dreams etc etc and I really did come to a place where I had peace, REAL PEACE about it all.(I was reminded of this by your quote of the ‘gentle glowing bulb’)

    In an year all had picked up I got great career opportunities (you could say surpassing the ‘220 watts bulbs’ – I try not to compare myself with anyone :)) and up to now I get amazed & grateful at how quickly it all has come about.

    It seems odd to say this but everytime things get overwhelming I just recall the real peace I had back then in the middle of the shattered dreams and I try and remember that nothing is anything really.

    Pole for ‘extended comment’ 🙂 and great new look

    FINALLY, FINALLY, someone gets what I have finally GOT! I had my epiphany last week Wednesday and I have been wanting to do a post about it.. lakini… time and fear have been against me. Fear…that folk would not understand me and think that I had or have given up. It’s a long post.. will get to it.. either Wednesday or Thursday. Just want to say.. that is it good to finally hear from someone who is on the other side.

  5. This is what life is… challenging trying to match dream and reality. Don’t be too hard on yourself – being far from ‘home’ and raising a family – you have a lot on your plate.

    I was abroad for quite sometime and my career was (still is!) a hot topic. I watched friends sacrificing careers to raise families. Probably it is hard, but getting ladies with similar ambitions might help (now that is hard!).

    Good luck pray it all works out and you realise your dreams.

    I would love to hear your story.. don’t be shy!

  6. I think you’re getting there. I’ve personally found out that things have worked out when I have finally had ‘the peace’ you refer to above.
    Plus, you’ve done great already! Look, moving to a new place (in your late 20s?)and living there is no mean achievement. Add to that raising a family and taking on training. My gut feeling is that you’re on to great things. Best wishes on your journey!


  7. sunnykay9 said:

    @ Mrembo – That quote gives a voice to so many thoughts we dare not write about yet. I so hear you!

    let me tell you what I honestly think about that quote.. it is a true false.. a quote that gives false hope for many and true hope for many. I will write more on the post that I am working on…. YOu will understand me when I get to it.
    no offence meant to you love!

  8. sunnykay9 said:

    No offence taken, we are learning from one another, cannot wait to see the post.

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