I hate living in a flat. I cannot wait for when we finally get our own little house. My son can then scream, play, sing, dance and shout as much as he wants withoug me being bothered about disturbing the sleeping neighbours. He woke up early today, so we have started our Saturday earlier than I would have liked, but that’s ok. Gives me the chance to say what I have been wanting to say.
This is the post that I owe.
About two weeks ago when I wrote the post “That that I owe” I was still engaged in mental warfare. Trying to find peace in my soul. Being positive and wondering why the hell it took so much energy to stay positive focused and happy. Then I blogged, you all responded and I went away to ponder what you had all said. I was slightly pissed. My thought was “yeah yeah whatever.. that’s what they think but that’s not the reality for me”.
Trying to be peaceful had been a struggle every day. The constant pep talks I gave myself. “stay positive, stay focused, it will happen, confess positively.. and the most embrassing part.. I became religious (this topic is a post on its own.. coming to a blog near you).
Come Wednesday night two weeks ago. I had returned from school and was catching up on some reading. My husband sat across me doing some work on his laptop. I begun to talk. Giving voice to my troubled state of mind. Some time back he had asked me to watch Steve Jobs speech to Standford’s graduating students (available on youtube). We had discussed the speech and during the course of the discussion he had said
“I think that one day, somebody who has failed (who isn’t a 220 shining bulb) should give the speech. Tell the kids what that is like”
Mrembo: Yeah, someone like me.. but here is the thing, what would be the point of it. It has to have a message”
We volleyed back and forth and let it go in laughter cause we could not come up with a positive spin on the “When you fail, When you don’t succeed” speech.
That was what was on my mind when I was talking to him that Wednesday. I then brought up two anecdotes from stuff I had read recently. One was an interview with the actor who plays Sawyer on “Lost” and another by Oprah.. about how she got the part Sophia in “The Color purple”. My intention at that point was to show my husband that sometimes one also has to know when to call it quits. When to say “you know what, I have tried at this and it has failed. I have given it my all and it has come to nothing. This is it. It’s over, goodbye.. I am not sailing this boat anymore” He begun to disagree with me. We discussed it, dissected it. I wanted him to see it for himself. I did not want it to be me to show him what it is I was getting to. FINALLY he saw it. Finally he saw it.
Sawyer from Lost says that before he got that part, he had been in hollywood 10+ chasing the movie star dream. Nothing had happened in the 10years plus so he told his wife that he was giving it all up and going to get his real-estate license. 4 days after that decision he got the part for Sawyer. Oprah said she wanted to play Sophia so bad. Went for audition, didn’t get the call. Disappointed, crying.. she “surrended” (her words not mine) the dream. A few minutes later she got the call.
2 Wednesdays ago.. I let it all go and boy the peace. The peace!! I am done fighting, struggling. I am not deluding myself and saying.. oh a phone call on it’s way. I am done. It’s all right if somethings do not happen. I am doing my bit. No longer am I chasing the dream. If that is how hard it was meant to be.. I am not playing cause it was sucking the life joy out of me.
As a result I just feel so much calmer and peaceful and content and happy. I still have dreams but they are no longer do or die situations. I want a house. I want to own a house and I know without a doubt in my mind I will own a house and not in the sunset years of my life.. but at a time when I can enjoy it. We are doing what we have to do to get it.. but not longer is it something that stresses me.
Don’t know if you get what I am saying. But that is how I feel.
With refrence to the Mandela Speech by Miram Willamson “We are greater beyond our wildest dreams”.. to that and all the “you are star” self help quotes etc etc. There is an element of truth in them. But there is also the truth that we can’t all be “Generals” some people are meant to be footsoilders and there is nothing wrong with that. One just has to know where and who they are and shine where they are at.
Some of you may read this and think.. she plain out has failed. That’s ok.
Bottom line is.. I am GENUIENLY calmer and happier than I have been in a long time and this time, I think I have a handle on the real thing.