A few things about me

Confession time

Haya here goes brace yourselves! This one has been a long time coming and the reason it is so late to the page is because I hate eating humble pie and ofcourse I am always right!

Cast your minds back to Dec 07/Jan 08… yeah that time. I wrote some things about the violence in Kenya that make me cringe when I read them. Woi.. I was talking out of my ass and for that I put my hand up and say I was WRONG WRONG WRONG. I got educated about the situation not long after that.. and should really have said something then.. but.. refer above. So there I have said it.

I am very proud to say that since then, this blog has not seen any political entries nor “how to save Africa” entries. I am so out of touch. I have not watched news or read newspapers in a long time. I have a general idea of what is going on.. but cannot even comment eloquently because I am so out of loop and nope I am not missing it. Now and then I loose my mind and comment on other peoples blogs about political/developmental stuff and then I realise how stupid and uninformed I sound when I read other comments (case in point.. my comment at Rombo’s) 🙂 thing is I have always had an opinion on EVERYTHING and I am  still learning the art of SILENCE! 🙂

Confession number 2:

I have forgotten what it was.. there were two things I was going to confess. .. it will come to me… in the meantime…

I am so inlove with my husband. And I know it sounds like I am showing off but it’s so true. For those of you who have been in long term relationships/marriage.. you know how it goes.. some times things are just normal.. .. nothing much.. then comes this wave that has you both behaving like you have just met and are falling in love for the first time. That’s where we are.. things are so good. We’re just in love!! At work I am smiling by myself.. remembering things. The other day I was reminding him of our first date how he came to pick me up from work and had a rose with him. He corrected me and said he had two roses because “I was twice as special”. Goofy … I k now.. but that earned him a kiss and other things you don’t need to know about! lol.. I am blushing.

I have remembered my other confession but let me finish gushing about my hubby. Right now it’s 10:13am he is still in bed. Today is a public holiday here so we are very relaxed. The sun is shinning, the sky is blue.. I intend to be at the beach later today. Anyway about hubby sleeping in late. That used to be such a sore point with me. I used to nag him about it. “come to bed with me, why do you have to wake up so late… why sleep so late”. I am a morning bird and he is a night owl and I was trying to change that. Used to get us both mad. Me… cause I wanted to go to bed, cuddle, chat and fall asleep in his arms.. him because he wanted to be up doing what he does.. enjoying the silence of the night and having the night to be himself.  One day after another tiff about “why do you have to get to bed so late.. don’t tell me you’re tired..serves you right for sleeping late”… I promised him that I would never again tell him/ask him to go to bed early. Many anights I had to swallow my anger about the issue.. before I knew it itwas a none issue.  He is who he is and I have accepted it. He was reminding me about it the other day.. asking me why it used to get me in such a tizzy and I was like.. “because…” and I didn’t  really have an answer.. but refer above.

Now on to my confession before I forget.

I confess that I have finally accepted that I don’t do religion or God well. It all came to me as  I was walking with my son back from daycare.  I had planned to tithe from my first salary and had agreed with myself on the amount.. I was jusst trying to figure out how to get my tithe to church (given that I do not attend church regularly or ever.. these days). As I walked past the church it occured to me just like that that I was tithing because I was “going to be good and do everything I ought to do then .. God will reward me and grant my prayers” . I was not tithing because “I love God”. I was tithing because I wanted something. Then I remembered some verses and in plain sight saw the foly of my  motive. My thoughts went into tailspin that week.

I sat with Big Al and asked him if he thought I was flaky.. one month I am so religious.. next.. I am a kafiri (heathen) to boot. One minute I believe the next.. I have so many doubts and question. He was sweet, he understood, told me that he had long accepted that I am a kind of religious mishap and that is part of who I am and he is ok with it. Said he supports me in whatever decision I make given that religion is a very important fabric for those who believe. Thus consoled.. I continued my self analysis and came to this conclusion

Somewhere in the bible it says we are all given a measure of faith. Well mine was very kidogo. I have tried cultivating it and well.. it just does not work for me.  Then while talking to a friend I mentioned that I was having a crisis of faith. She laughed and said.. “God Mrembo.. you have always had a crisis of faith.. remember back in high school…” I was taken aback.. I had totally forgotten my crises back those days…

From that I figured.. this stuff does not work for me. For me religion calls for blind unquestioning faith of which I have failed. I don’t know how to do it. I am not trying anymore.  there is more that has led me to where I am now..  but that’s a confession for another time.

So there you have it. My apologetic confession on politics, my love for my husband and my vanishing, evolving faith. Gotta run the outside’s calling

Blessed Easter folks.

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Comments on: "Confession time" (1)

  1. Ok, it’s pretty late here but I was thinking about this place that I am in in life, this place called, ‘crisis of faith’, and I remembered this post and I just had to come back and comment.

    I totally feel you on that.

    You and I should start a support group for people who are perpetually in a crisis of faith.

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