A few things about me

Archive for June, 2009

Mashada mix

I’m fighting my demons.

I’m bored and as the saying goes, “an empty mind is the devil’s workshop”. I can’t sleep either, so I’ve been web-hopping and landed at Mashada.

Two things

This thread has really impressed me.. as in the fact it has not been derailed and the discussion. Given me stuff to think about. A lot of it mirrors the Munyakole/Muganda thing that has been going on in Ug for some time due to land issues. It also mirrors the existing Muganda/Acholi (mucholi) issue that has been going on for ever. Ati Luo and kyuks think they hate each other.. you have not tried the muganda /acholi cocktail.

This one on the other hand has scared me because it has roused my inner bigot-ness and I am having a hard time beliving I am like this, yet at the same time I find myself saying to my husband “I swear to God if they do anything stupid, even me I will fly back home to fight for Kenya. I don’t know why but I don’t like Somalis as a group.. on a individual level I have no issues.

Now I have to explain why I feel like this.  I feel that guns and gun crime came into Kenya cause of Somalis. I find their culture totally alien and exclusive and find it to be a culture that is TOTALLY AND UTTERLY unable to move with the times. I dislike how they dislike us and therefore I do not like them.

God! what difference is there between me and a white person who hates black people.

I believe humans are inherently flawed

Nobody, nobody

not a single person on earth has thier shit together.

I’m like this. If I like something or impressed by something, I have to find out everything about it or her/him. Yesterday I posted about “The Road Less Travelled” by M. Scott Peck. I mentioned I had read the book many years ago. I bought it a few days ago at my ka-usual secondhand book store and I am currently on page 99. That is slow by my standards but I am so into the book and so wanting to understand it that I am taking it a page at a time… i.e. slowly.

Anyway a few mintues ago I googled M. Scott Peck and find this very interesting interview and all I can think.. is “what the fuck.. how can he have fucked up his life so much  yet have written so hot a book.. a book that is considered the granddaddy  of all self help. Yesterday, without having read this article I called it the mother of all selfhelp.. and then he goes and messes up his life like this.. ala!

So there you have it. My take it this.

There are some truths out there. Some very obvious some not so . As an individual you have to find them and cultivate them into your life. You can’t look to anyone as a road map on how to live your life cause everyone is FUCKED UP.. its just a matter of degrees.  Live life, be happy, be good, be mean (when called for) be selfish, be strong (Cause this world will eat you up if you’re not) be happy and face the reality of your life. That’s what I think for now.. who knows what I will think tomorrow.

In ending I will say this.. M. Scott Peck’s life as per the interview is yet more evidence that all self help books must be read with a handful of salt and NO BODY has their shit together. We are all the same..

Have a fantabulous day!

mwah

Honest Scrap Awards

 

Ladies and gentlemen, esteemed readers of this blog, I would like to thank you all for reading this blog and for having kept up with me for the past 3 years and 2 or so months. I would espeically like to thank the lovely and forever young Mwari  for having bestowed this honour on me.

The rules:

1. You must brag about the award
2. You must include the name of the blogger who bestowed the award on you and link back to the blogger
3. You must choose a minimum of seven (7) blogs that you find brilliant in content or design. ( ati 7.. I cannot oblige seeing that everyone that I would choose has alread been chosen)…let me think more maybe I will come up with a few
4. Show their names and links and leave a comment informing them that they were prized with Honest Weblog.
5. List at least ten (10) honest things about yourself. Then pass it on

The ten:

  1. I am a borderline addicted to…….I will not teeellll! In a way I kinda understand druggies and alcoholics but because I am ruthlessly cruel with myself and my habit, I am not completely sympathetic. It is tough shit trying to kick a habit and be able to say I kicked that. The longest I have gone has been about 1 year 8 months then bang!  my demons were back with a vengence and I was like.. where the fuck did that come from I had it under control.  Of late, witth regards to my “almost addiction”  I have been in battle mode. It sucks.. it’s part of me, it’s my beast and so I embrace her and say.. “hello darling.. let’s see who will win this one this time round”
  2. I am actually a very happy, cheerful, funny person to be around despite what this blog depicts. I know and have always known that I write most when I am feeling crap, conflicted, down, depressed etc. I have tried more than a hundred times to do posts/ blog when I am in a “good space” and I just cannot do it. The words to not flow and I am not in flow. Negative emotions get my writing to flow.. happy ones .. well…
  3. I am currently reading “The Road Less Travelled” by M. Scott Peck and marvelling at the fact that I did not pick this book up earlier. First time I read it I was about 18/19 and didn’t quite finish it leave alone understand it. As far as self help books go, this is the mother of them all and believe me I have read a gazillion of them (back in the day…these days can’t bring myself to read one).
  4. If I love you, I wil talk about you a lot. As a result my conversations are peppered with Big Al said, Nikh the bandit did this the other.
  5. I have a sock fetish that is not yet fully fulfilled.
  6. This one is for all the ladies who are trying to get babies and it is not happening.  I have already said it here that I need some medical help  to get pregnant. So listen up. If your p’s are irregular and you haven’t been getting pregnant, you need to see a hormone specialist(endocrinologist) and have your hormones checked out. If you need more info contact me and I will give details.  I will still need to get treatment in order to get pregnant again. It’s nothing extreme like fertility treament but at the same time, for me, getting pregnant is not simply a matter of getting laid. (so if you plan on having or want kids and you have the man in tow, you need to get to it pronto.. stop waiting)
  7. My current inspiration in all things weight and fitness is Amy. I have been following her since mid last year. This is what I mean
  8. I am back running after an almost 5 month break. It is so annoying how quickly one looses fitness.
  9. I’m struggling here… oh.. I .. something to do with youth envy.
  10. .. you tell me!

Been trying to upload something.. will it work, will it not.

Mchuzi mix

I have just been at Mashada reading a thread about Development or something to that effect. About the possiblity of creating fedral states in Kenya aka Majimboism etc etc. I have forgotten the title of the thread. I read the first 3-4 pages in their entiriety and started getting agitated and stressed. I know that by opting not to follow any kind of news or “African development/the way forward for Africa” I am in essence burying my head in the sand. That’s fine with me. Why, because I look at my circle of influence and say to myself, “what can I do here and now for Kenya or Uganda, what am I doing” the answer, nothing. So then why should I stress myself by getting embroiled in conversation, speculation and postulation about things I can hardly do anything about. I have agreed with myself if I decide to do anything then I shall go into politcs or development and since that is not what I want at this point in my life.. my head continues to be buried in the sand.

I will say this though, that there are many intelligent, passionate dedicated Kenyans out there who all want the same thing for thier country and tribes. PEACE AND DEVELOPMENT. My mind struggles to find the solution to this. I have always said to my husband that I have dictatorial tendencies. God help everyone if I ever became president. I would just kill everyone in my quest to put Kenya/Uganda on the map. I think someone needs to blow up the whole sitting parliament so that we can start afresh with a new crop of leaders. If they then succeed in screwing things up like the current batch, then once and for all we will know that as a people we are seriously fucked up! That’s just the way I see it.

Haya on to other stuff now that that’s off my chest.

Finally finally my 2 year old son is sleeping through the night in his crib. HALLELUJAH! What a ride this sleep thing has been.

It is not all perfection. But it is 100% better than it used to be. He wakes up once for his bottle between 2.30 and 4.00am then again at around 6.30 then he sleeps till 8.00am. He gets to bed pretty late , usually at 9.30pm.. now that summer is here and in winter at 9.00pm. Any earlier than that becomes a waste of my and his time. He is saying more and more words.He speaks to me in English and to his Dad in Danish. When hungry he say.. “mummy food, eat”  When I say speak I mean 5 or 6 clear words.. the rest is just baby speak jumbled stuff that as a mother you learn to decode. But there certainly is a lot of progresss. Today for the first time he came into the living room and said “how u mummy” 🙂 He is so grown. He is still not the biggest eater infact he is the thinnest in his  day care class, but not the shortest. At his 2 year check up he was a little under the normal weight gain curve which had me worried. Eating is still a bit of an issue. As long as he does not snack during the day, then he will eat very well. Once he snacks or has sweets.. that is his eating ruined for the day. Big Al keeps saying that his eating genes have not kicked in yet given the way the both of us like to eat.  Did I say he is lovely. God he is beautiful!

My man:

Where to start. Very interesting stuff between us. I’ve told you before that me and him talk a lot. So the other day on a drive to an animal park we got talking about personal development and I was telling him how I had a light bulb moment,( courtsey of some “live your best life” podcast): that tweaking and reevaluating your life is a continous process. There never comes one point where you can say “ah I have fixed this once and for all, never have to look at it again”  One has to keep checking, taking stock, tweaking here and there, straigtening out priorities because things change, time goes by and life is never static.  He laughed and said that is how he felt about money issues. Big Al hates dealing with money issues.

In a perfect world he would only have to deal with going to work earning money and the rest sort out themselves. This worked fine in England, we both worked, I did all the nitty gritty and would just give him papers saying “sign here, sign here and there”. As long as the money he wanted was there, he did not bother with the rest. I on the other hand like to tweak, move, save, do this and that to the money. Funny thing is that he is easy with letting money go and I hoard it. His attitude is “I can always get money” mine is “Hoard all you can cause you never know when you will see it again” Anyway like I said.. it worked perfect in England.. then we moved here  Denmark that is.

and things just went to hell in a handbasket. Suddenly he had to do the tweaking and stuff because of my language deficiency. He has hated every single minute of it. When he finally said this to me in the car I was like “I know.. and I have hated every minute of having to give up that control to you.. but guess what soon I am going to be able to do this on my own”. He says  “can’t be soon enough for me” More and more I am taking control over it. If you think other countries have a confusing tax, pay, banking system, you haven’t been to Denmark.

It got me thinking about how relationships work. There is no one true way. A couple has to find what works for them. My husband hates having to deal with the nitty gritty of money. I love to get my hands deep into it. It works for us. Find what works for you and to hell with what everyone else says.

My career:

Monday is around the corner. That means my exams which means FINALLY FINALLY I am through with this course. Lord I cannot wait! I have gone from not caring whether I pass or fail to “girl you have to pass cause we just don’t do fail”.  I am still to find out if I am to be employed on a permanet basis at my current job ironing clothes. I hate my job, I love earning money at the end of the month. I love the freedom of having just a little bit extra to buy shoes, save some for the house. But I need to get a better job. So with my exams around the corner, I finally relaunched my job hunt. For the record. I ABSOLUTELY HATE HAVING TO LOOK FOR WORK . At 32 I feel and think it is humilating that I still have to be looking for “the right job”. Just this past Friday I was crying about it. Crying tears because a friend said she thinks I have opted to give up. I was hurt and hurt and pissed off. So all I did at work was look at my life and choices and came to the conclusion that I am doing the right thing for me for now and that my plans are on the right track and if that fails.. I get up and try again. But let me tell you this, I am TIRED OF picking myself off my career floor, dusting myself off and trying again. Fuck it all. But I want money. So like I said to Big Al, “new strategy in place…. playing lotto just got added to the mix”. He laughed till he cried. Looked at me and asked me how that is a strategy. I said “i have been doing this career hunt thing for about 7 years and nothing has come up yet.. keep doing same thing and expecting different results = madness. Play lotto = changing strategy doing something new.. watch this space 🙂

My break is almost over gotta hit the books.

see ya