When we moved in about 4 weeks ago, the cable TV connection for the previous owners had not yet been disconnected. Suddenly after 9 months without cable tv, we had cable. Yippee. It lasted 2 days and with a quickness it was disconnected. Hubby punched the numbers and realised we could afford it until the end of this year given the ridiculous offer the cable company was giving. Will we have it next year.. don’t think so. After 9 months without it, we don’t miss it, we don’t watch it much…. but lets wait and see.
With that introduction I will delve into the purpose of this post. There is a lot on my mind, a whole lot and I once did a post about it and deleted it the next morning. I checked my blog stats and realised 2 people had read it. Ouch! I was upset that night, the feelings were honest but presented harshly, crudely with underlying anger and frustration.
Today I think I am ready to present it “properly”. But first about cable tv. As I type, CNN Heroes has just ended. I could not help but think that even though CNN is the messenger and distributor of all news bad, once in a while they carry good news and it touches my soul. CNN Heroes in one of them and every time I see it, I am left feeling helpless and useless. Useless that at 32 my circle of influence and helping others had not reached out beyond my nuclear family. That only once in a while I will help my extended family but even that is not a given. And it all comes to money.
I feel an enromous amount of guilt that I am not able to sustain a regular monthy allowance to my mum. There I said it. It eats me alive. I should be able to, I mean, people hear that I have bought a house and I am having renovations done, so how come you cannot send money every month. It bothers me a lot. Sometimes it depresses me to the point I don’t want to call home because then I don’t have to deal with knowing that things are tough and I have not made a contribution. I have no excues except to say, I sometimes do not have enough to go around. It’s as simple as that and yet so complicated.
So when I see CNN Heroes or read about people doing such wonderful things for others, I look at myself and think, how can I even think of others when those in my own back yard still lack.
I understand it is about giving what you can and when you can. And so it continues. I look forward to next month. I have worked more hours this month, so there should be something left over. Like I said, when I can, I do, when I can’t I don’t and that’s just how it is. The tough part is living with that.
what to do? to do what
I want to be a hero and that was part of the dream that I lost a long time not so long ago.
There are many thoughts on this issue in my head. I will bullet them
- African equivalent of welfare system. We support each other
- Dependency and the burden it places on the person depended on
- Duty giving or love giving
- Expectation and payback/giving back
- Ensuing distance and resentment btw giver and reciever.