A few things about me

Archive for June, 2010

Life blows

For the longest time ever I truly believed that for every “why” question relating to matters of life there was a “because” answer. This was a thought and belief I staunchly held and would argue my point vehmently with gusto. One just had to digger deep to find the “because” to the “why”.

Slowly  has/was that belief shattered and I fought it every step of the way. I did what I do best when besiged with issues I can’t get a handle on. I read. I read, fiction, self help, watched enough “God TV”. Read religious books, threw them out, googled, read pyschology books. I read and read and realised no one had the answer. There was no answer.

Going home was the final nail in the coffin. Not every “why” has a “because” and that is just how it is. As I accepted this truth, truly fully accepted it, I attained a certain level of peace in a certain part of my spirit, soul and mind regarding an issue that has plagued my family and touched us all in ways we never thought nor contempleted.

As a result I am left in awe of all the true life inspiring stories and experiences of people who have “issuess” in thier lives;  for example health issues like AIDS, chronic pain, missing limbs, terrible scars and yet seemingly go through life, with such grace, strenght and lack of bitterness.

On the  flip side I have seen how the blows of life can leave you bitter, angry, withdrawn, hope-less and missing in action from your own life. How it can leave one almost like a zombie just going through life til one’s number is up and death comes calling. Thing is death is sometimes a long way off preoccupied with others.

I know I am being vague with the specifics of what happened and is happening (its not a health issue which to be honest would have kinda been easier to deal with because blame could clearly be allocated..). I cannot divulge for it is not my story to tell. I can only tell my part and try my level best to protect the others concerned. But I will tell you this. We have all cried.

This situation has lasted so long hence my wondering “how long does a bad spell in life last” cause I k now if it were me I would have checked out of this life. And does the longevity of a spell depend on one’s fighting spirit. What about those around you who are left beaten and shattered as they try to help one.

Someone in my life suffers from chronic pain. Just like Dr. Gregory House in the TV series House. The main thing is that “House” is fiction and this person is real life. Pain changes one. It makes you hard and mean and those around you begin to dislike you because when in pain, one lashes out, hurts and  humiliates the others and soon it just becomes the sufferer’s character. Unlike House where we all like Dr. House because .. well because we like him.. in real life the person becomes unlikable because every day, you are made to bleed from the words that are sharper than blades and an apology is never coming. It takes “House” for me to begin to understand the sufferer and begin to have empathy but at the same time wanting to maintain my distance because liking the person is next to impossible.

I see how life blows which have no “because” answer to them make people negative, bitter, angry and basically impossible to be about. I have a new and fresh understanding of the word “weary”. I have seen two spectrums to the results of life blows. I have seen the “weary, battered, hope-less soul barely hanging on” and I have seen the “bitter, negative, angry, bitchy soul”. Those I have seen with my own eyes and I wonder are all those inspiring books of heros who live life with courage, grace, positivity and hope through life’s blows just lying or what…

Then I remember her and I am left in awe and then I pray and say ” God when the blows come give me the grace to deal gracefully without bitterness, hopelessness and negativity.. give me that grace for I know my self and courageous is not what I am when I am down”

The Kenyan/Ugandan man

NB: for ease of writing purposes everytime I refer to “man” or “men” I will be refering to Kenyan or Ugandan men unless otherwise specified.

Me I don’t know!

If you are Kenyan you understand that expression and can imagine the intonation that accompanies it. 

Me I just don’t know when it comes to men.

Not a word of a lie when I say that in the whole 6 weeks that I was in Kenya or in Uganda, I did not hear A SINGLE POSITIVE statement, comment, word or story about men from the women I was talking to. NOT A WORD. I do not know if that is testament to quality of my friends and women I was around or just plain bad luck. Me I don’t know. I will tell you this thought, after 4 weeks of hearing that men are dogs, lying cheating and useless creations I had had enough and dared to pose the the question to my elders i.e. my mum and her sister. “Are there any good men here” (refering to Kenyan men). Even the last week I was in Nairobi, the Nation paper was running a series on relationships etc after having conducted a survey of 12oo couples from all ..is it 8 provinces of kenya, all religious backgrounds etc. The results were dismal. Very few of them were happy if my memory serves me right.

So here is my question to the few men that read this blog “what’s up guys”? for real. “What’s the deal with all the skirt chasing. What are you all looking for in the different holes you keep poking your thingy into?” I am not even trying to be funny here. After the third hole don’t you get it that whatever you are looking for is not about fucking.  By a certain age (don’t ask me what age that is) surely you should have figured out that bedhopping is but temporary pleasure, after that you still have to face yourself and your demons or whatever it is you be looking for.

I know that there are good men out there. There has to be. I refuse to believe that all men are what I heard.

– unreliable, cheats, violent, selfish,  demanding, uncaring and yada yada yada.

The feed back I got was from all social classes, from my dad’s maid to highly educated, rich women. I was blown away. Really. Case in point. My dad’s maid is very happy never to be ever married again. She was like ” what is the point eh Mrembo, I want my peace. I earn my money, I take care of my kids” . Her hubby has custody of her son while the daughters are with her people. As far as she was concerned a man had absolutely nothing to offer her. How old is she ..only 28. The way she feels is that as far as men go, “I have been there, done that, got the story and they ain’t got nothing I want.

Case two: I am at Kenyatta market getting my hair done. Hubby rings me, we chat a little bit. I hung up. A while later girl doing my hair asks me ” ebu nikuulize, mapenzi ya wazungu na waafrika, si ya wazungu ndiyo mzuri kushinda ya waafrika? ( let me ask you, between white men and African men, who is a better man at loving (she was not speaking about bedroom matters). I was taken aback and tried to laugh it off and responded saying it has nothing to do with the color but everything to do with an individual. A man be a man be a man despite his color. You should have been there to hear the rest. Two ladies were doing my hair. They begun to laugh saying which Kenyan man would just ring his wife up to chat. So I asked if they ever rung thier men just to say hi and “umekula lunch sweetie?” The looked at me like I was mad. Started saying how they could never ring a man. On and on they went story after story of how men are hopeless. Examples drawn from their own lives.

One of them made me laugh saying how a guy can be employed as a chef but when he gets home, even when he sees the water for ugali boiling over, he will not even lift his little finger to help as the wife chases the kids around.  I kept arguing that there were good men. They concluded I was lucky to be married to a muzugu. Part of me was disgusted by this thinking and guess what, I kept getting that “you are lucky your man is a muzungu” from a number of people.

So comes this man selling groundnuts and I decided to include him in our discussion and asked him if he ever helps his wife at home. Dude made us laugh. He was like, “kwanza me, my wife is just in awe at the type of man I am. If she is cooking and she realises she needs something from the shop, I will help her finish cooking. And she does not even have to ask me, I just help her. If she busy, I supervise the kids. But I have seen those kind of men you ladies are talking about.. I know them. It’s all about an individual” he concluded.

I looked at the ladies and I was like “mwaona.. it all depends on an individual” They were not convinced.

For the rich ladies the story was  “if it was not for these kids, I would have been outta here a long time ago. Now God, religion and my girlfriends are my comfort”. Yes they have the money, the house, the car, the kids go to the good schools but the man is a lying cheating dog. Has made another woman pregnant or man is stingy with the money. Yani endless stories.

Me I was left thinking ala! it’s how here. Cause I gotta a good man. I ain’t even bragging. I kept wondering what made us stand out and you know what. There is not “this is how we did it” I think we just got lucky.  Just plain old dumb luck and a lot of hard work  because we both want to make “this” work. But ultimately when I look at it.. I begin to believe Big Al and I just got lucky and for that I am eternally grateful.

So guys come on stand up and testify. Prove that the good man exists. Really, you gotta be there.. you just have to be.

I am back!!!!!

 True to my word, I said I would be back around June 🙂

I am back in more ways the one. The man, child and I were away in Nairobi and Kampala for a total of six weeks. We got back a couple of days back.

Do I have stories or what. While away I had a lot of time on my hands but not babysitter so it was next to impossible to get time to dash off to the local internet cafe and blog. Everywhere I went little boy went too.

So what was my trip like. Where do I even start. I have been cataloguing my thoughts and experiences trying to create some sense of order before I blog. Unfortunately those that weigh heaviest on my mind are the very ones I cannot blog about due to thier personal nature to others.

I will say this though. Never ever did I think I would look forward to coming back to Denmark, but I did. I actually was ready to come home after one week. The reasons are legion, the feeling consistent. Even now when I look back and try to put everything in place, I still feel the same. Shoulda never taken such a long trip. 

My family both in Uganda and Kenya were good and not good. Oxymoron, I know, but it was such. Life has a way of taking you by surprise and then beating you down like you never thought and keeping you there.  Even though I heard one of those preachers on “Family TV” say  “every problem has an expiry date” I was like.. “I’m not too sure about that.”

I never knew how someone else’s unhappiness could just BOG YOU DOWN. Never before have I felt the need to “run away from misery”. That’s the best way I could put it.  And there ain’t nothing like trying to solve a problem that money can’t solve. Seriously, yeah you thought money was everything. Hello rude shock!  I met that problem that even money can’t handle. I saw how life can beat you down and keep you down for almost 4 years and still keep at it. I saw how one can be alive, laugh, cry, talk and still not be “there” or to use Oprah speak “be missing from one’s own life” due to a beating from good old life. I saw how hope and faith can keep one alive and “present” but just barely. I saw how rock bottom is not just for an instant, it can be years in happening.

So my trip was good and bad. It was hard to see that aspect of my family to see them fighting hard to stay happy and find some semblance of joy in this life we call world. That was very very hard and harder was accepting the fact that “there ain’t nothing I can do about this, and I owe it to me, my hubby, my son and them to be happy.

So that was my trip in a nutshell.

Like I said, I have a lot on my mind so I will be blogging.

Things I wanna talk about

  • The Kenyan/Ugandan man
  • The Kenyan/Ugandan woman
  • Are there any happy/satisfied Kenyans/Ugandans in a stable relationships. (for real, I am not even joking)
  • Is money the be end of all in Kenya
  • How long do “bad spells” of life last? and is it really about one’s attitude when facing a problem or are all those pshycoanlysts and positive thinkers full of shit. At this point in my life, the tv show “House” really gets to me because House’ life and emotions come a bit too close to home.
  • Where and who is God in Kenya/Uganda
  • You are all being conned by stupid pentecostal preachers (I just might join them seeing as people really like giving money)
  • I am now a FIRM believer in the separation of church and state. (that whole constitution thing in kenya and peoples views and religion. God save Kenya)
  • The concept of “home” after marriage, marriage and kids and after divorce.

like I said, many blog posts to come gotta run.

Mrembo

PS. my trip confirmed one thing. I got it made:  for real folks, I got it made!