For the longest time ever I truly believed that for every “why” question relating to matters of life there was a “because” answer. This was a thought and belief I staunchly held and would argue my point vehmently with gusto. One just had to digger deep to find the “because” to the “why”.
Slowly has/was that belief shattered and I fought it every step of the way. I did what I do best when besiged with issues I can’t get a handle on. I read. I read, fiction, self help, watched enough “God TV”. Read religious books, threw them out, googled, read pyschology books. I read and read and realised no one had the answer. There was no answer.
Going home was the final nail in the coffin. Not every “why” has a “because” and that is just how it is. As I accepted this truth, truly fully accepted it, I attained a certain level of peace in a certain part of my spirit, soul and mind regarding an issue that has plagued my family and touched us all in ways we never thought nor contempleted.
As a result I am left in awe of all the true life inspiring stories and experiences of people who have “issuess” in thier lives; for example health issues like AIDS, chronic pain, missing limbs, terrible scars and yet seemingly go through life, with such grace, strenght and lack of bitterness.
On the flip side I have seen how the blows of life can leave you bitter, angry, withdrawn, hope-less and missing in action from your own life. How it can leave one almost like a zombie just going through life til one’s number is up and death comes calling. Thing is death is sometimes a long way off preoccupied with others.
I know I am being vague with the specifics of what happened and is happening (its not a health issue which to be honest would have kinda been easier to deal with because blame could clearly be allocated..). I cannot divulge for it is not my story to tell. I can only tell my part and try my level best to protect the others concerned. But I will tell you this. We have all cried.
This situation has lasted so long hence my wondering “how long does a bad spell in life last” cause I k now if it were me I would have checked out of this life. And does the longevity of a spell depend on one’s fighting spirit. What about those around you who are left beaten and shattered as they try to help one.
Someone in my life suffers from chronic pain. Just like Dr. Gregory House in the TV series House. The main thing is that “House” is fiction and this person is real life. Pain changes one. It makes you hard and mean and those around you begin to dislike you because when in pain, one lashes out, hurts and humiliates the others and soon it just becomes the sufferer’s character. Unlike House where we all like Dr. House because .. well because we like him.. in real life the person becomes unlikable because every day, you are made to bleed from the words that are sharper than blades and an apology is never coming. It takes “House” for me to begin to understand the sufferer and begin to have empathy but at the same time wanting to maintain my distance because liking the person is next to impossible.
I see how life blows which have no “because” answer to them make people negative, bitter, angry and basically impossible to be about. I have a new and fresh understanding of the word “weary”. I have seen two spectrums to the results of life blows. I have seen the “weary, battered, hope-less soul barely hanging on” and I have seen the “bitter, negative, angry, bitchy soul”. Those I have seen with my own eyes and I wonder are all those inspiring books of heros who live life with courage, grace, positivity and hope through life’s blows just lying or what…
Then I remember her and I am left in awe and then I pray and say ” God when the blows come give me the grace to deal gracefully without bitterness, hopelessness and negativity.. give me that grace for I know my self and courageous is not what I am when I am down”