A few things about me

The Kenyan/Ugandan man

NB: for ease of writing purposes everytime I refer to “man” or “men” I will be refering to Kenyan or Ugandan men unless otherwise specified.

Me I don’t know!

If you are Kenyan you understand that expression and can imagine the intonation that accompanies it. 

Me I just don’t know when it comes to men.

Not a word of a lie when I say that in the whole 6 weeks that I was in Kenya or in Uganda, I did not hear A SINGLE POSITIVE statement, comment, word or story about men from the women I was talking to. NOT A WORD. I do not know if that is testament to quality of my friends and women I was around or just plain bad luck. Me I don’t know. I will tell you this thought, after 4 weeks of hearing that men are dogs, lying cheating and useless creations I had had enough and dared to pose the the question to my elders i.e. my mum and her sister. “Are there any good men here” (refering to Kenyan men). Even the last week I was in Nairobi, the Nation paper was running a series on relationships etc after having conducted a survey of 12oo couples from all ..is it 8 provinces of kenya, all religious backgrounds etc. The results were dismal. Very few of them were happy if my memory serves me right.

So here is my question to the few men that read this blog “what’s up guys”? for real. “What’s the deal with all the skirt chasing. What are you all looking for in the different holes you keep poking your thingy into?” I am not even trying to be funny here. After the third hole don’t you get it that whatever you are looking for is not about fucking.  By a certain age (don’t ask me what age that is) surely you should have figured out that bedhopping is but temporary pleasure, after that you still have to face yourself and your demons or whatever it is you be looking for.

I know that there are good men out there. There has to be. I refuse to believe that all men are what I heard.

– unreliable, cheats, violent, selfish,  demanding, uncaring and yada yada yada.

The feed back I got was from all social classes, from my dad’s maid to highly educated, rich women. I was blown away. Really. Case in point. My dad’s maid is very happy never to be ever married again. She was like ” what is the point eh Mrembo, I want my peace. I earn my money, I take care of my kids” . Her hubby has custody of her son while the daughters are with her people. As far as she was concerned a man had absolutely nothing to offer her. How old is she ..only 28. The way she feels is that as far as men go, “I have been there, done that, got the story and they ain’t got nothing I want.

Case two: I am at Kenyatta market getting my hair done. Hubby rings me, we chat a little bit. I hung up. A while later girl doing my hair asks me ” ebu nikuulize, mapenzi ya wazungu na waafrika, si ya wazungu ndiyo mzuri kushinda ya waafrika? ( let me ask you, between white men and African men, who is a better man at loving (she was not speaking about bedroom matters). I was taken aback and tried to laugh it off and responded saying it has nothing to do with the color but everything to do with an individual. A man be a man be a man despite his color. You should have been there to hear the rest. Two ladies were doing my hair. They begun to laugh saying which Kenyan man would just ring his wife up to chat. So I asked if they ever rung thier men just to say hi and “umekula lunch sweetie?” The looked at me like I was mad. Started saying how they could never ring a man. On and on they went story after story of how men are hopeless. Examples drawn from their own lives.

One of them made me laugh saying how a guy can be employed as a chef but when he gets home, even when he sees the water for ugali boiling over, he will not even lift his little finger to help as the wife chases the kids around.  I kept arguing that there were good men. They concluded I was lucky to be married to a muzugu. Part of me was disgusted by this thinking and guess what, I kept getting that “you are lucky your man is a muzungu” from a number of people.

So comes this man selling groundnuts and I decided to include him in our discussion and asked him if he ever helps his wife at home. Dude made us laugh. He was like, “kwanza me, my wife is just in awe at the type of man I am. If she is cooking and she realises she needs something from the shop, I will help her finish cooking. And she does not even have to ask me, I just help her. If she busy, I supervise the kids. But I have seen those kind of men you ladies are talking about.. I know them. It’s all about an individual” he concluded.

I looked at the ladies and I was like “mwaona.. it all depends on an individual” They were not convinced.

For the rich ladies the story was  “if it was not for these kids, I would have been outta here a long time ago. Now God, religion and my girlfriends are my comfort”. Yes they have the money, the house, the car, the kids go to the good schools but the man is a lying cheating dog. Has made another woman pregnant or man is stingy with the money. Yani endless stories.

Me I was left thinking ala! it’s how here. Cause I gotta a good man. I ain’t even bragging. I kept wondering what made us stand out and you know what. There is not “this is how we did it” I think we just got lucky.  Just plain old dumb luck and a lot of hard work  because we both want to make “this” work. But ultimately when I look at it.. I begin to believe Big Al and I just got lucky and for that I am eternally grateful.

So guys come on stand up and testify. Prove that the good man exists. Really, you gotta be there.. you just have to be.

Comments on: "The Kenyan/Ugandan man" (8)

  1. The good man exists, but they surely are endangered.
    And me, I do not know either. The male folk will need to speak for themselves and tell us what is going on here.

    true true an endangered species so rare that most of them are too busy to come in here and comment 🙂 cause they have better things to do!

  2. It depends, most men have to fight with the urge to go forth and you know what…a ‘good’ man is a man who has learned or been taught to tame their natural urge to procreate. Remember monogamy is way of life is actually something that came into vouge in the last few centuries. In all cultures, wealthy men have always had many wives, concubines, etc. But as far as not being satisfied…have you heard the story of the scorpion and the frog trying to get across the river? even though the scorpion knew that stinging the frog will be death for both of them, he did it anyway because…. it is in his nature…here is a link to an article that might be of interest..


  3. Mrembo, this is why I will marry The Man next year 🙂 He was my friend through college (we never dated) and he wouldn’t sleep with girls who were offering themselves to him. One has even told me that I am lucky to have such a good-hearted man -I heard from someone else about their storos. And she’s hot, so I guess am hotter :). I’ve done some background checks with his classmates, and he seems to come clean. So I guess am lucky in that sense.

    Naye, political correctness aside, I think wazungu are better lovers compared to waafrika, haki. Loving here meaning helping (around the house and otherwise), and caring generally. I think you have to thank the wazungu mamas for that, though. They expect much, and make that much known up front, indirectly or otherwise. Simply put, we are different societies or are at different points in social evolution. I guess many of our men are polygamists but are still in the closet.

    Haki you.. you made me laugh out loud with that unpc statement..I still don’t agree. I guess as the lady at the saloon pointed out…. all we see on TV about zungu’s is positive images and then ones reality is not so positive hence the skewed belief that zungu men are better than African men… anyway me I don’t know 🙂

    Glad for you that you have a man that was and is your friend. I pray that it will all work out for both of you in the long run cause it’s the long run that really counts.

    As for the expectations of african women from african men that is a post by itself..that I am working on.

  4. I know it will be said my relationship does not count because we are gay. But I have a good man, great man actually and he is Kenyan!

    In my community promiscuity is expected( I think subtly encouraged even) but I am very certain he has never cheated and actually has only eyes for me.

    We have had our fights and a major one relating to insecurity but once we confirmed that I was not about to cheat, it has been great. 6 years later, I can only sing praises for him.

    However, I do understand your point as I have sisters and girl friends who are always complaining about their men and when I tell them about us, the answer is- Gay men don’t count!

    • I think that your relationship counts I really do.

      So there you go, at least now I know one other person who has a good man ain’t we lucky huh!!


  5. kenyanreality said:

    I read this sometime back but I am just commenting now. I believe it is luck. Pure luck. On the person, on timing and on the willingness to commit to the relationship. You kind of have to get lucky on all. If anyone has a great relationship just be very very grateful. And I am glad there are still good men, it helps keep the faith for the rest of us.

  6. hi im tina im staying in africa for a week and looking to meet new ppl

  7. Well good men exist but also some are just like dogs. I met this guy in Jinja Uganda, his name is Mubarak Muhammed but he calls him self Bubarak Millionz on Facebook. WE dated for 2 yrs and after getting me pregnant and i lost the baby, i find out that he is dating other girls. But i hear that this days he got STD from some girl. Am so happy he got what he deserves.

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