A few things about me

Archive for October, 2010

In defence of the married woman

This post is inspired by Raymond’s post which can be found here. It was a good funny read .

That said I feel I must stand up for the married woman seeing I am such a woman.

Married women get so much bashing, some of it is well deserved and the rest not so. A lot of it seems to come from mouths that are on the other side of the fence or from men who are not married.

The instution of marriage is a hard one. There I said it. It is hard. It is also one of the most rewarding relationships you will ever have if you work at it.

Forget all the bullshit you see on TV and in films. The romance part  might be true in the first few years of marriage after that is takes work and the DECISION TO STAY by both parties and to STAY HAPPY that can make a marriage phenomenol.

When I look back at the first 2-3 years of being with Big Al I have to smile with nostalgia at the whole new love-falling in love thing. God we were so in love. Stupid in love. Hold my hand, kiss me in public in-love.  The kind that makes you ignore all the little things that later bug you. Then we made it past three years and the “being in love” love changed to a kinda deeper love and it was all good. By year three of being together we were married.  We married in 2002 and had our first child in 2007 and we met in 2000

Let me tell you this, A CHILD will CHANGE THE MIX of marriage KABISA. So when I hear people got married and  in less than 2 years a child is born, I feel for the couple. You haven’t even gotten the opportunity to know each other truly and BANG baby is in the mix.

On to defending the married woman. We get bashed a lot for:

  • gaining weight
  • Not taking care of our physical appearance.. ala dressing up, nails, stocking on head when going to sleep, wearing lesos et
  • Not availing sex on demand or as often as it used to be
  • Not cooking like before
  • Not babying him like before

Here is the thing MEN need to accept and my sisters still on the other side of marriage passing judgement need to know is coming.

  • As your wife and  the mother of your children, chances are I WILL GAIN WEIGHT after giving birth to YOUR CHILD. Just a fact.  9 out of 10 women gain weight so if you think I am going to look like those movie stars who starve to death to look good.. maybe you are shopping for the wife in the wrong market. YOU yes YOU dear husband will also gain weight after the birth of our child, so put a lid on it about the weight thing. The questions is how much weight is she willing to keep and how much are you willing to accept. We married women know that men are visual creatures and we try to keep it the weight off and keep being attractive for you.  I may need some help loosing the weight. So if it’s bugging you and it is bugging me, help me out. How.. allow me THE TIME to do what I gotta do to shift this weight. Using the excuse that she is no longer attractive in my eyes because she gained weight is so much bullshit. Who said I find your behind attractive after that pot belly you have developed. It works both ways. … maybe that’s why I gotta headache 5 days out of 7…know what I mean.
  • Taking care of my physical appearance will take a dive if we have kids cause like it or not.. kids will be first priority for sometime. It costs money to look good all the time and before the kids came around, our money was spread two ways. When the kids come it spreads 3, 4 or five ways depending on how many we make. So unless our income increases propotionally,  I will not be smelling as expensive as before or having my nails buffed all the time cause that money is going to diapers, nursery, schoolfees.. get my drift daddy? But believe it or not, I do want to look hot 24/7. Sometimes it’s just not practical. I do try. I do.
  • Now we come to the sex thing. It’s so simple. So simple. Be nice to me and you will get all the sex you want. Just be nice to me. (thing is most men don’t know what being nice to thier wives mean). Tip here.. buying me stuff will not cut it after some time. Spend time with me, be interested in me, talk to me, help me out with the kids, hear me when I talk. Do all these things consistently and  baby you will be getting sex round the clock. Most wives just want to be acknowlegded and know that thier husbands “see” them. This mambo of “baby I love you” and then expect great sex.. sorry dude.. it ain’t happening.
  • The things I have said about sex apply also to men, so wives you know you also gotta be nice to him.. cause when he goes out the door and is shagging that chick on the side, chances are apart from it being just a shag cause he could.. Miss thing on the side is being nice to him. She makes him feel like a hero, blah blah blah.
  • Cooking; sex rules apply here. Be nice and I will cook for you.
  • Babying him: Shit.. I am not your mother”!

 

Marriage gets a bad rap because  of peoples’ egos. Ego is a big ass thing and most people don’t know how to check thier egos. That is something Big Al and I have learnt to do over the years. Most times when we sit down to resolve issues after a fight,  we realise it was all about “me”. Like recently we had a horrible period because he felt that he was not being treated right and I felt I was not being treated right so we both withdrew into ourselves. I have mentioned it before we are “silent fighters”. Shouting is not our style. We just emotionally withdraw.

This went on for about 3 weeks.  Finally while he was away on work safari he called, we started talking and stuff got resolved.

Being honest is not as easy or as hard as it sometimes is made to be. It’s about being honest at the right time with both one’s self and your spouse. There I was thinking I was being attentive and helful.. while he felt he was being a supportive husband inspite of work stress. I had my own stressdue to of lack of sleep due to the new baby, not enough help around the house. So there we were, two people each hoping the other will see the other’s hardship and be nice. He needed for me to be supportive, tactile and all kissy kissy and I needed him to wake up early,  clean more dishes etc

Meanwhile what he was doing was asking me about my day and playing with the kids (thought he was being nice) and I was busy keeping the kids out of his way, doing dishes when it was his turn, so that he could do the work he needed to do.

We so were totally not tuned into what the other needed … until we talked, we realised how off we were and issues got resolved. Before the resolution you shoulda seen or heard what was going on in my head… “he just don’t care about me, I am tired of this shit.. go off and find me another man who cares.. the stuff I have to put up with with this man.. haki ya mungu…” it went on and on. “I am such a good wife.. does he see that.. ” I tell you stuff went on.

It seems so silly when I type it now.. but imagine.. it was a 3 week cold war in my house..

So yes.. marriage is hard, but if you put in the hard work, with the right person, its the best deal in life, hands down.

It is 22.40. Baby has been sleeping for 1 hours. She will be waking at 03.00am. I need to get my 4 hours before she wakes.

I have read it through only once.. forgive all the typos present.

Book Rant one more time

I am irritated.

I have spent the best part of an hour and a half looking for books at amazon to no avail.

Last time I read a historical romance was yesterday and I realise that after my almost 2 year hiatus from historical romances I am missing nothing. By the way I usually get my recommendations for romance books at www.likesbooks.com  in the forum section.

While reading ” your top hundred books” at likesbooks.com I kept coming across “Pride and Prejudice” and have finally caved in and decided to buy the book.  My dislike for all things “old school british literature” stems from high school literature class. Lord I hated “Wuthering Heights”. The font alone was an instant turn off. Then the book was thick and the fact that I had to read it for my form 5 exam.. hated that one. “Great Expectations” was an ok story…but i had to read it like 5 times before I could relly get into it.

Those two books sealed it for me. So everytime I have heard of Pride and Prejudice.. my mind flashes back to those two afore mentioned books and I get the shivers of dread…. as in yuck!

But now I find myself willing to give a little and see what the hype is all about. It helps that it only cost £1.99.

That said.. here are is my list of books that I have THOROUGHLY enjoyed so far this year.

  1. The thing around your neck – Chimande Ngozi Adichie
  2. Purple Hibiscus -Chimande Ngozi Adichie
  3. Half the yellow Sun – Chimande Ngozi Adichie
  4. Say you are one of them – Uwem Akapan (I have not yet finished it because the second story devastated my heart.. I could not go on.. really. I take my stories that seriously. I was left in utter shock..)
  5. On Black Sisters Street – Chika Unigwe
  6. Rainwater – Sandra Brown (I cried like a baby…. achingly beautiful)
  7. Her Mother’s Hope – Francine Rivers
  8. Goodnight beautiful – dorothy koomson (this one annoyed me to no end..but recommend it if u like….i dont know how to describe it…kinda  books) ( a friend lent me 3 Komsoon novels and she is an ok author but not entierly my cup of tea)

in btw that i have read lots of romance of the vampire kind….that’s not true :-).   discovered ” Midnight breed” series while in Nairobi and have since read 7 of the 8 books in print.  the interesting thing is that i am now more capivated by the enemy’s story than i am the protagonist’s. Reading them especially the last three has been like enjoying a good sci-fi movie.

May I end by saying that sometimes I feel likeI am the only person I know in real life who likes the books I like and it can be a lonely place to be.. because I soooo want to discuss the books with someone.

You know like the first 5 books on the list.. someone has to have read at least 2 of them  comeon now…any takers….

Sexual abuse

I am over at Oprah.com reading the recap of Tyler Perry’s interview with Oprah about the abuse in his life.. both sexual and physical. The physical from his dad and sexual from other adults. It was rather brutal.

For the longest time I used to think that child abuse of the sexual, physical and verbal kind was a preserve of white people only. That thinking kinda makes sense because the only time I ever heard of it, it was always about white people or people of the western world. We africans did not do such things.

Then I grew up and realised that just because we do not talk about it as a people i.e. Kenyans, Ugandans and dare I say Africans as a whole.. did not mean it did not exist in our communities.

Listening and reading  to Tyler Perry talk of the abuse and the aftermath leaves me thinking about the countless Africans who suffer in silence and have no where to go and carry all that baggage into adulthood never having a place to talk or confide and find release. How this baggage goes on to affect all the relationships they later try to forge and how the cycle of abuse sometimes gets passed forward from the victim. How one has to carry all this shit in their life until they go to the grave sometimes never having found peace.

For some reason of all the stars who have talked of abuse etc (and it does get a little tedious because apart of me begins to think, kwani everyone in hollywood was abused.. ala?) none of it has touched me like this.

Another part of me thinks about how can so many people be abusers. what happens to break a person like that.. The numbers are staggering because I can imagine for all those victims who come forth there are about 5 others (pure guess work here) that stay silent

Anyway.. I am rumbling but thought to share this interview with y’all. And if you suffered some kind of abuse you need to reach out to someone

http://www.oprah.com/oprahshow/Tyler-Perry-Speaks-Out-About-Being-Molested-and-the-Aftermath

Six things…..

KK is sleeping in her chair, Nikh is out with his grandparents , expected home anytime soon. Big Al is away on work issues, the pan is heating getting ready for the bacon I am having for lunch and I am here quickly pasting and linking something I thought would be of interest.

It is to me, because I am currently practicsing something in the hope of being excellent. Coming across this article has spured me on.

PS. I told Big Al some time back that I am going to win a Grandslam some time before I am 45 and make into the record books as the oldest woman and African at that to win Wimbeldon…. he laughed and laughed just like you are…

now I can get to say.. read the article … it is a possibility.

Have an excellent day

and below is the link to the article

http://blogs.hbr.org/schwartz/2010/08/six-keys-to-being-excellent-at.html

Prayer

I have refered to her twice and she is on my blog roll. If you have never taken the time out to read her blog, this is the time.

She inspires, uplifts and challenges me.

Because of her my self pitying days are gone. Because of her I have a better understanding of faith in the face of a storm. Because of her I have learnt the meaning of taking responsibilty of ones actions and behaviour. 

In the coming days she is undergoing treatment which is very risky but life saving.

So I have come here to ask you good people to pray for Ms. Rae Lewis Thorton. http://www.raelewisthornton.com/

and for those of you that can… make a donation.

God bless

For your pleasure

I found this website while looking at pics of this couple over at Essence.com. (by the way I think they make such a beautiful couple)

Fell in love with the website. Love the whole concept of engagement photos and the vintage photo shoots.

After having spent hours browsing I called hubby over to my comp and said… “you see this, we are so doing this some time, one day”

Enjoy