A few things about me

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In defence of the married woman

This post is inspired by Raymond’s post which can be found here. It was a good funny read .

That said I feel I must stand up for the married woman seeing I am such a woman.

Married women get so much bashing, some of it is well deserved and the rest not so. A lot of it seems to come from mouths that are on the other side of the fence or from men who are not married.

The instution of marriage is a hard one. There I said it. It is hard. It is also one of the most rewarding relationships you will ever have if you work at it.

Forget all the bullshit you see on TV and in films. The romance part  might be true in the first few years of marriage after that is takes work and the DECISION TO STAY by both parties and to STAY HAPPY that can make a marriage phenomenol.

When I look back at the first 2-3 years of being with Big Al I have to smile with nostalgia at the whole new love-falling in love thing. God we were so in love. Stupid in love. Hold my hand, kiss me in public in-love.  The kind that makes you ignore all the little things that later bug you. Then we made it past three years and the “being in love” love changed to a kinda deeper love and it was all good. By year three of being together we were married.  We married in 2002 and had our first child in 2007 and we met in 2000

Let me tell you this, A CHILD will CHANGE THE MIX of marriage KABISA. So when I hear people got married and  in less than 2 years a child is born, I feel for the couple. You haven’t even gotten the opportunity to know each other truly and BANG baby is in the mix.

On to defending the married woman. We get bashed a lot for:

  • gaining weight
  • Not taking care of our physical appearance.. ala dressing up, nails, stocking on head when going to sleep, wearing lesos et
  • Not availing sex on demand or as often as it used to be
  • Not cooking like before
  • Not babying him like before

Here is the thing MEN need to accept and my sisters still on the other side of marriage passing judgement need to know is coming.

  • As your wife and  the mother of your children, chances are I WILL GAIN WEIGHT after giving birth to YOUR CHILD. Just a fact.  9 out of 10 women gain weight so if you think I am going to look like those movie stars who starve to death to look good.. maybe you are shopping for the wife in the wrong market. YOU yes YOU dear husband will also gain weight after the birth of our child, so put a lid on it about the weight thing. The questions is how much weight is she willing to keep and how much are you willing to accept. We married women know that men are visual creatures and we try to keep it the weight off and keep being attractive for you.  I may need some help loosing the weight. So if it’s bugging you and it is bugging me, help me out. How.. allow me THE TIME to do what I gotta do to shift this weight. Using the excuse that she is no longer attractive in my eyes because she gained weight is so much bullshit. Who said I find your behind attractive after that pot belly you have developed. It works both ways. … maybe that’s why I gotta headache 5 days out of 7…know what I mean.
  • Taking care of my physical appearance will take a dive if we have kids cause like it or not.. kids will be first priority for sometime. It costs money to look good all the time and before the kids came around, our money was spread two ways. When the kids come it spreads 3, 4 or five ways depending on how many we make. So unless our income increases propotionally,  I will not be smelling as expensive as before or having my nails buffed all the time cause that money is going to diapers, nursery, schoolfees.. get my drift daddy? But believe it or not, I do want to look hot 24/7. Sometimes it’s just not practical. I do try. I do.
  • Now we come to the sex thing. It’s so simple. So simple. Be nice to me and you will get all the sex you want. Just be nice to me. (thing is most men don’t know what being nice to thier wives mean). Tip here.. buying me stuff will not cut it after some time. Spend time with me, be interested in me, talk to me, help me out with the kids, hear me when I talk. Do all these things consistently and  baby you will be getting sex round the clock. Most wives just want to be acknowlegded and know that thier husbands “see” them. This mambo of “baby I love you” and then expect great sex.. sorry dude.. it ain’t happening.
  • The things I have said about sex apply also to men, so wives you know you also gotta be nice to him.. cause when he goes out the door and is shagging that chick on the side, chances are apart from it being just a shag cause he could.. Miss thing on the side is being nice to him. She makes him feel like a hero, blah blah blah.
  • Cooking; sex rules apply here. Be nice and I will cook for you.
  • Babying him: Shit.. I am not your mother”!

 

Marriage gets a bad rap because  of peoples’ egos. Ego is a big ass thing and most people don’t know how to check thier egos. That is something Big Al and I have learnt to do over the years. Most times when we sit down to resolve issues after a fight,  we realise it was all about “me”. Like recently we had a horrible period because he felt that he was not being treated right and I felt I was not being treated right so we both withdrew into ourselves. I have mentioned it before we are “silent fighters”. Shouting is not our style. We just emotionally withdraw.

This went on for about 3 weeks.  Finally while he was away on work safari he called, we started talking and stuff got resolved.

Being honest is not as easy or as hard as it sometimes is made to be. It’s about being honest at the right time with both one’s self and your spouse. There I was thinking I was being attentive and helful.. while he felt he was being a supportive husband inspite of work stress. I had my own stressdue to of lack of sleep due to the new baby, not enough help around the house. So there we were, two people each hoping the other will see the other’s hardship and be nice. He needed for me to be supportive, tactile and all kissy kissy and I needed him to wake up early,  clean more dishes etc

Meanwhile what he was doing was asking me about my day and playing with the kids (thought he was being nice) and I was busy keeping the kids out of his way, doing dishes when it was his turn, so that he could do the work he needed to do.

We so were totally not tuned into what the other needed … until we talked, we realised how off we were and issues got resolved. Before the resolution you shoulda seen or heard what was going on in my head… “he just don’t care about me, I am tired of this shit.. go off and find me another man who cares.. the stuff I have to put up with with this man.. haki ya mungu…” it went on and on. “I am such a good wife.. does he see that.. ” I tell you stuff went on.

It seems so silly when I type it now.. but imagine.. it was a 3 week cold war in my house..

So yes.. marriage is hard, but if you put in the hard work, with the right person, its the best deal in life, hands down.

It is 22.40. Baby has been sleeping for 1 hours. She will be waking at 03.00am. I need to get my 4 hours before she wakes.

I have read it through only once.. forgive all the typos present.

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Mishmash and Update

Update first: remember my allergic reaction. Happens when I took KK for her 5 week checkup at the doctor’s I mentioned my allergic reaction. Doc took a blood sample and a week later I got the results. I tested negative for any allergies. She went into a long explanation about how they check the blood for pollen allergy and if present that signals the possibility of allergies which would result in further, individualised tests. Since I tested negative means I am not allergic to anything.

She went on to say that no one can be allergic to alcohol so it has to do something with the other ingredients in the drinks.  The only common thing btw red, white wine and apple cider is the alcohol and the grapes for the wines.. so I am still drawing a blank and keeping away from it. I did sip at apple cider 2 days ago and boom.. throat started doing it’s thing.. so.. whatever. I was warned to keep some antihestimines on hand and keep note of  I have consumed every time I get the reaction.

Moving on….

Watched “Predetor” yesterday and the day before. (see as a mom to two kids under4, there is no way I have 2 full hours to myself.. so it took me 2 days to finish watching it) Loved loved it. Just my kind of movie.

Today I started “The Expendables”. There was a nice moment  when Rambo, Shwazeneggar (sp) and Bruce were together in one shot.. brings back memories. I was IN LOVE with Bruce Willis back  the day and it all started with “Moonlighting”.It used to come on at 9.00pm on Thursdays… eh you see I remember. I loved that man.. still do. Still watch everything he does even the boring stuff. Young true love dies hard.. . Still puts a smile on my face… Bruce does!

and……

The hardest part about mommyhood is the sleepless nights. I keep reminding myself that sleep deprivation is actually used as a form of torture so I should just chill out. That said.. lack of sleep totally sucks.

then….

today I have done nothing but actively rested. Did a 45min long walk with KK and took the bus back home. Feeling good cause I have cleared some of the little admin things I had outstanding. Cooked minced meat to go with pasta, carrots and broccoli. Got to keep the family healthy.

and that is all from Mremboville.

be blessed.

I am back!!!!!

 True to my word, I said I would be back around June 🙂

I am back in more ways the one. The man, child and I were away in Nairobi and Kampala for a total of six weeks. We got back a couple of days back.

Do I have stories or what. While away I had a lot of time on my hands but not babysitter so it was next to impossible to get time to dash off to the local internet cafe and blog. Everywhere I went little boy went too.

So what was my trip like. Where do I even start. I have been cataloguing my thoughts and experiences trying to create some sense of order before I blog. Unfortunately those that weigh heaviest on my mind are the very ones I cannot blog about due to thier personal nature to others.

I will say this though. Never ever did I think I would look forward to coming back to Denmark, but I did. I actually was ready to come home after one week. The reasons are legion, the feeling consistent. Even now when I look back and try to put everything in place, I still feel the same. Shoulda never taken such a long trip. 

My family both in Uganda and Kenya were good and not good. Oxymoron, I know, but it was such. Life has a way of taking you by surprise and then beating you down like you never thought and keeping you there.  Even though I heard one of those preachers on “Family TV” say  “every problem has an expiry date” I was like.. “I’m not too sure about that.”

I never knew how someone else’s unhappiness could just BOG YOU DOWN. Never before have I felt the need to “run away from misery”. That’s the best way I could put it.  And there ain’t nothing like trying to solve a problem that money can’t solve. Seriously, yeah you thought money was everything. Hello rude shock!  I met that problem that even money can’t handle. I saw how life can beat you down and keep you down for almost 4 years and still keep at it. I saw how one can be alive, laugh, cry, talk and still not be “there” or to use Oprah speak “be missing from one’s own life” due to a beating from good old life. I saw how hope and faith can keep one alive and “present” but just barely. I saw how rock bottom is not just for an instant, it can be years in happening.

So my trip was good and bad. It was hard to see that aspect of my family to see them fighting hard to stay happy and find some semblance of joy in this life we call world. That was very very hard and harder was accepting the fact that “there ain’t nothing I can do about this, and I owe it to me, my hubby, my son and them to be happy.

So that was my trip in a nutshell.

Like I said, I have a lot on my mind so I will be blogging.

Things I wanna talk about

  • The Kenyan/Ugandan man
  • The Kenyan/Ugandan woman
  • Are there any happy/satisfied Kenyans/Ugandans in a stable relationships. (for real, I am not even joking)
  • Is money the be end of all in Kenya
  • How long do “bad spells” of life last? and is it really about one’s attitude when facing a problem or are all those pshycoanlysts and positive thinkers full of shit. At this point in my life, the tv show “House” really gets to me because House’ life and emotions come a bit too close to home.
  • Where and who is God in Kenya/Uganda
  • You are all being conned by stupid pentecostal preachers (I just might join them seeing as people really like giving money)
  • I am now a FIRM believer in the separation of church and state. (that whole constitution thing in kenya and peoples views and religion. God save Kenya)
  • The concept of “home” after marriage, marriage and kids and after divorce.

like I said, many blog posts to come gotta run.

Mrembo

PS. my trip confirmed one thing. I got it made:  for real folks, I got it made!

True life Hero?…think not

When we moved in about 4 weeks ago, the cable TV connection for the previous owners had not yet been disconnected. Suddenly after 9 months without cable tv, we had cable. Yippee. It lasted 2 days and with a quickness it was disconnected. Hubby punched the numbers and realised we could afford it until the end of this year given the ridiculous offer the cable company was giving. Will we have it next year.. don’t think so. After 9 months without it, we don’t miss it, we don’t watch it much…. but lets wait and see.

With that introduction I will delve into the purpose of this post. There is a lot on my mind, a whole lot and I once did a post about it and deleted it the next morning. I checked my blog stats and realised 2 people had read it. Ouch! I was upset that night, the feelings were honest but presented harshly, crudely with underlying anger and frustration.

Today I think I am ready to present it “properly”. But first about cable tv.  As I type, CNN Heroes has just ended. I could not help but think that even though CNN is the messenger and distributor of all news bad, once in a while they carry good news and it touches my soul.  CNN Heroes in one of them and every time I see it, I am left feeling helpless and useless. Useless that at 32 my circle of influence and helping others had not reached out beyond my nuclear family. That only once in a while I will help my extended family but even that is not a given. And it all comes to money.

I feel an enromous amount of guilt that I am not able to sustain a regular monthy allowance to my mum. There I said it. It eats me alive.  I should be able to, I mean, people hear that I have bought a house and I am having renovations done, so how come you cannot send money every month. It bothers me a lot. Sometimes it depresses me to the point I don’t want to call home because then I don’t have to deal with knowing that things are tough and I have not made a contribution. I have no excues except to say, I sometimes do not have enough to go around. It’s as simple as that and yet so complicated. 

So when I see CNN Heroes or read about people doing such wonderful things for others, I look at myself and think, how can I even think of others when those in my own back yard still lack.

I understand it is about giving what you can and when you can. And so it continues. I look forward to next month. I have worked more hours this month, so there should be something left over.  Like I said, when I can, I do, when I can’t I don’t and that’s just how it is.  The tough part is  living with that.

what to do? to do what

I want to be a hero and that was part of the dream that I lost a long time not so long ago.

There are many thoughts on this issue in my head. I will bullet them

  • African equivalent of welfare system. We support each other
  • Dependency and the burden it places on the person depended on
  • Duty giving or love giving
  • Expectation and payback/giving back
  • Ensuing distance and resentment btw giver and reciever.

discuss.

Fasta fasta!

1. I employ ” ! ” way too much in my writing. I know I need to revisit my grammar lessons, more so now that I am thinking of offering my  expertise to  school kids in need of  extra tuition in English. (will let you know more about that once I have got my replies back).

2. We have finally moved and tomorrow will be exactly 7 nights we have spent in this house. My absolutely non-religious husband shocked me on our first night here when he said to me ” so have you prayed for the house…….tonight when we have dinner you should say a prayer for the house.. then later on get the local priest/pastor to come pray for the house”. I was gobsmacked! Thing is, everytime we have moved into a new place; this house being fifth, I  have always prayed and recounted to Big Al, how my mum had the local pastor come to our home and pray for the house I grew up in and that mum still lives in. I remember her telling me that her dad, my granddad, had told her to ensure she did that. The pastors came home, had tea and later we had “maombi” /prayers for the house. The prayers go along the line of chasing away any evil, calling for God to dwell and bless the home etc etc. Since then I have always, always prayed for any space I live in, before I lay my head down the first night.

Even when my dad moved house, the other home I grew up in (and my dad did not do church or religion while I lived with him..  though of late I hear he has been going to church), I went around praying for the house, for each and every room. First time I did it Big Al thought it cute, later he would tease me about it, but I still prayed. So his request to get the pastor he pleasantly surprised me.

3 . We are slowly falling into routine. The house is still a building site and hopefully work will be finished in about 3 weeks. We are of the opinion, things take the time they take. No point in rushing them, then getting shoddy results in the end. We chose to have the bathrooms and hallway redone. We are having floor heating installed and a new floor. That has entailed them digging all the way to the ground, literally and redoing things again. Right now we live in the family room. The builders provided an outdoor toilet/shower container.  So we shower on the main driveway :-). When I get a minute I´ll put up pics.

4. And that’s about all from me. Don’t know when I will be back. There is loads and loads to be done and since money is an object, we are doing loads and loads ourselves.  We got the living room and kitchen painted. We still have the utility room, 3 bedrooms and hallway to finish. Then there grass to be mowed, plants to be uprooted, clothes line to go up, lots and lots of stuff to do, which my middle class African self is saying.. haki ya mungu, I wish I could get someone to do this!

5. I have been thinking about being grateful and at this point in my life I feel I have a lot to be grateful for. My husband loves me and I him. My child is healthy, loving and happy. He brings us much joy. One of my dreams came true. I co-own a house (ok so the bank is letting me live in it till I…eh we… pay them off, cause we all know they own my house). My health is good. My mum, sis and dad are alive and well. Life is tough but they are tougher. No health issues there. I have a few good friends. One who surprised me while we moved, my heart was touched.  The list is pretty long when I sit down to think about it. So I have been very thankful. Praying to the powers that be an offering my thanks. (let’s not even start about who I pray to. All I know is that there is a God/supreme being and that is whom I pray to, if HE goes by the name Allah, God, Jehovah, Mungu, Mukama… me I don’t know. All I know is that I pray.. tosha gari!

So have a thankful day. It may not all be perfect or as you had planned, but you know you gotta it better than most.. hey .. you can read this, that alone means you have access to a comp and internet and that puts you in a better place than many. So give thanks

Be blessed.

@#* bleh “#! and everything

I had run out of gas totally. Decided not to push it and rode the gas-less wave. Then someone sent me an “I think you should try this one out” email. I looked at the email and thought, yeah, I can do this. The engine begun to rev. Been so long since I had that feeling and I got into the groove of things.

Did the first cover letter sent it off for editing and stuff. That was today morning. An hour ago I was filling out this long-ass application form and guess what, I get to part 8, the end of it all and frigging bleh!.  I had to attached a cover letter, which I had not yet done, cause my stupid reasoning concluded that I would not need it. So I start to do the cover letter and in the process loose all the work I had done because the totally useless website does not let you close, save and return later. effing shit if you ask me.

I am off work this week and next due to moving house and Nikh starting daycare at a new place. I am beat. (yeah right, and you still have time to blog) bugger off I say!

Two things, being without loads of money is a pain. Living in Europe can be a pain. I could do with some cheap labour ala homestyle. Me, who has never painted a wall in my life spent 5 hours painting 1 room and 4 cupboard doors. Big Al is totally swamped at work with a deadline for tomorrow, so at the moment, I am dealing with the physical aspects of the house move alone.

Should I tell you of the melt down we both had, as in Big Al and I. Total meltdown that led to one of those yucky talks anyone in a  good relationship should and will have.

Anyway since I stopped expecting life to be fair and since I lost my I deserve xyz because xyz  attitude, my life with regards to handling issues has been so much easier. So here we are Big Al and I, totally overwhelmed with stuff. We are having major renovations done to the house cause the house is dated. I found the workmen, Big Al cut the deal after lenghty discussion between us and the bank. In come family with, are you serious, no way, we could get you a better deal . Nothing like making you second guess your decision, then all the other stuff,setting up new bills for the new house, paying off old ones, will we or will we nor hire a moving truck. I am yeah he is aye. Work,  do we have enough money for this, is Nikh’s stuff ready for his new daycare, the owner of the flat wants an exact move out date, we finally agree on the date and on top of all this  our normal life still has to go on while all this is taking place, food’s got to be cooked, house kept clean, toddler entertained, you know normal life. Talk about a pressure cooker enviorment. Come Sunday, explosion baby!

We don’t do shouting matches. Never have. Not our style. But we have done and do, snide comments, passive aggressive shit, emotional withdrawal.. you get the drift. So anyway, I had had enough so I drew the first shot and off we were. Yesu! Some of those talks are hard, but you know what, you gotta do it cause you have to get the emotional stuff on the table, feelings and all. It sounded little bit like this

Mrembo: I can’t help if you don’t tell me what is going on with you.

Big Al: There is no point in telling you cause I get shut down, like my issues are non-issues, here is the solution, let’s move on to Mrembo’s issues.

Mrembo: What the fuck are you talking about, that’s what you do to me, and then… blah blah blah.

Big Al: We are fundamentally different in the way we view issues and I have accepted that

Mrembo: That is not fair for you to say….(on something he had said earlier)

and so it went until we finally got to the point of understanding where the other was coming from and as I type this I can’t help but think, what exactly was the issue.(we were both suffering from  having withdrawn from each other and living seperate lives for about 1 week and as a result you start to feel disconnected and unhappy and my spouse don’t give a fig about me feeling begin to crop up) It’s uncomfortable to talk about the issues where you feel your spouse is letting you down and it is hard to hear about your own failings in fulfilling your spouse’s emotional needs. It’s these silent killers that just build and build and because one never talks about it, then one day you find yourself throwing in the towel.

At the end of our convo Big Al said “it’s hard work being married” and I was like “no shit”. (of the two of us, I swear, he almost never swears… me.. .my mouth ain’t so clean)

So yeah, that is how it goes with me. We were laughing today saying, yeah, just bring on something else we can handle it. The good thing is we are on the same page albeit we disagree on a few things here and there, but same page none-the-less and Baby Nikh is such a happy child. He is so happy and glad that  even when both his parents are feeling stressed and stuff, he makes us laugh with his totally genius moments.

In a way I feel energised. I can deal with this. Big Al and I are in it together

I really wish, many times I have wished so, that I was one of those who blogged about happy stuff, good stuff, all is going good in my life, but that’s just not my life, it’s up and down and.. well it is my life and so far I am ok with it. Would I change some things.. you bet.. like MORE MONEY MORE MONEY MORE MONEY, better job, better clothes, better shoes, you get my drift, but would I exchange my life with anyone’s hell no. Do I wish I had someone else’ life. It’s been a long while since that crossed my mind, a very long while.  Would I trade in my husband…. hmm now… if you had asked me this question last week.. I would have been like… maybe , today my answer is hell no!

Have a blessed day. I am off to bed. It is 23.36

I have read through once, forgive me if there are annoying mistakes… but I gotta go sleep.

Saturday

My saturday has been lazy, cozy and wonderful. Hope yours was the same. Nothing beats an unstressful Saturday where I get to be lazy do things at my own /family pace and still manage to get some house work done.

I did two batches of laundry, went window shopping with Big Al and Nikh for paint and detoured by “Clearance” furniture sale place where I saw a chair that I WANT. Big Al was getting overwhelmed cause I was like, “we should get that one, that one and that one”. In the end he was like  “shut it….. we are not getting anything till we move in. Me I was like “I am getting my chair”.

We got some good news yesterday. We were supposed to get the keys to the new house at the end of the month, however the couple has since moved out and are willing to hand over the keys early next week.  It is absolutely fantastic cause we will have enough time to paint the house…. hence the window shopping for the house and move in slowly while making the deadline for leaving our current apartment. Did I tell you all I viewed the house only once and signed on the dotted line. By the time we found our house, we had  been to so many viewings, Big Al and I were both getting fed up, then there was the fact that we were shopping for a house of a certain size within a certain price range which just made it next to impossible to find something we both felt..”wow” about. So by the time we walked into this house I said to him ..”this is it babes. This is our house”

But I detract from the point of this post, its about my saturday. So yeah that was about all I have done today. It is now 22:10. Big Al has just taken Nikh to put him to bed. Yes it is late but on Saturdays he does this 3.5hr nap in the afternoon, meaning there is no way he is going to bed at his usual time.

After this post I am going to fold a whole load of laudry to put away tomorrow morning cause I want to get up, go running, get back and go grocery shopping before midday and laze the rest of the day away.

Finally I am getting to why I am blogging.

Just finished watching “District 9”. LOVED IT! I don’t think I have told you this but I am a sci-fi chick. All movies sci-fi action adventure I am there.  How many times have I watched “Alien and Aliens and Alien the resurrection”. Some of what I consider the all time best are

  •  Predator (The original)
  • Alien and Aliens
  • The Matrix 1 and Matrix 3 (didn’t feel 2 at all)
  • Alien vs Predator (some folks thought it sucked.. I w as entertained)
  • District 9

I will admit to not having watched any of the “Star Wars” flicks and therefore do not qualify as a die hard sci-fi fan.. (who said)

Anyway i also watched “Next Day Air”. It has been so long since I laughed like that. Big Al and I both loved it to death.

Whenever I watch movies I usually go to www.imdb.com to check out reviews and comments and was disappointed that “Next Day Air” got a 6.7/10 which I felt was unfair. But Big Al explained it thus. He said that “if you do not know/understand black american culture, then you will not understand some of the jokes, so probably that’s why the low rating”. I think he was on to something.

So that’s it from me. Wanna watch something, check out “Next Day Air” and “District 9”

goodnight.