A few things about me

Archive for the ‘GOD& Religion’ Category

Prayer

I have refered to her twice and she is on my blog roll. If you have never taken the time out to read her blog, this is the time.

She inspires, uplifts and challenges me.

Because of her my self pitying days are gone. Because of her I have a better understanding of faith in the face of a storm. Because of her I have learnt the meaning of taking responsibilty of ones actions and behaviour. 

In the coming days she is undergoing treatment which is very risky but life saving.

So I have come here to ask you good people to pray for Ms. Rae Lewis Thorton. http://www.raelewisthornton.com/

and for those of you that can… make a donation.

God bless

Hope and Gratitude

Today I am happy. Very happy, grateful and believing in hope.

My family has been going through some really tough stuff and through it all my mother, my personal hero has inspired me with her strength and grace in dealing with this issue. The breakthrough has been long awaited. The problem is not solved but on it’s way to being solved and for that I am truly truly grateful and glad.

That said, I had to ask mum where she gets her strength to go on. I was crying on the phone as she spoke. Feeling stupid for crying, apologising for it.. but needing to because that is how it was. Her answer was God and her faith in God. 

My faith is there but complicated. Not so straight forward anymore but ever present. I pray, I believe….. just not in organised chrisitianity. Nonetheless I count myself a believer and I am bringing up my son believing in the christian God. Ironic. I know.. but my point is that I want him to grow up having faith in God.. whom I believe in.. and later on can define his faith for himself.

But in God, the supernatural power, creator of all things, Him I believe in.. the rest… well… eh…

This post is about gratitude and hope. I am thankful. I remain hopeful.. (though hope and I have been down an interesting path, from beliving hope is hopeless.. to seeing it fulfilled…hope.. a strange human feeling)

Be encouraged if things are going thick. There is hope and be grateful for the now you in are in for the blessing you have now and keep on keeping on.

Fasta fasta!

1. I employ ” ! ” way too much in my writing. I know I need to revisit my grammar lessons, more so now that I am thinking of offering my  expertise to  school kids in need of  extra tuition in English. (will let you know more about that once I have got my replies back).

2. We have finally moved and tomorrow will be exactly 7 nights we have spent in this house. My absolutely non-religious husband shocked me on our first night here when he said to me ” so have you prayed for the house…….tonight when we have dinner you should say a prayer for the house.. then later on get the local priest/pastor to come pray for the house”. I was gobsmacked! Thing is, everytime we have moved into a new place; this house being fifth, I  have always prayed and recounted to Big Al, how my mum had the local pastor come to our home and pray for the house I grew up in and that mum still lives in. I remember her telling me that her dad, my granddad, had told her to ensure she did that. The pastors came home, had tea and later we had “maombi” /prayers for the house. The prayers go along the line of chasing away any evil, calling for God to dwell and bless the home etc etc. Since then I have always, always prayed for any space I live in, before I lay my head down the first night.

Even when my dad moved house, the other home I grew up in (and my dad did not do church or religion while I lived with him..  though of late I hear he has been going to church), I went around praying for the house, for each and every room. First time I did it Big Al thought it cute, later he would tease me about it, but I still prayed. So his request to get the pastor he pleasantly surprised me.

3 . We are slowly falling into routine. The house is still a building site and hopefully work will be finished in about 3 weeks. We are of the opinion, things take the time they take. No point in rushing them, then getting shoddy results in the end. We chose to have the bathrooms and hallway redone. We are having floor heating installed and a new floor. That has entailed them digging all the way to the ground, literally and redoing things again. Right now we live in the family room. The builders provided an outdoor toilet/shower container.  So we shower on the main driveway :-). When I get a minute I´ll put up pics.

4. And that’s about all from me. Don’t know when I will be back. There is loads and loads to be done and since money is an object, we are doing loads and loads ourselves.  We got the living room and kitchen painted. We still have the utility room, 3 bedrooms and hallway to finish. Then there grass to be mowed, plants to be uprooted, clothes line to go up, lots and lots of stuff to do, which my middle class African self is saying.. haki ya mungu, I wish I could get someone to do this!

5. I have been thinking about being grateful and at this point in my life I feel I have a lot to be grateful for. My husband loves me and I him. My child is healthy, loving and happy. He brings us much joy. One of my dreams came true. I co-own a house (ok so the bank is letting me live in it till I…eh we… pay them off, cause we all know they own my house). My health is good. My mum, sis and dad are alive and well. Life is tough but they are tougher. No health issues there. I have a few good friends. One who surprised me while we moved, my heart was touched.  The list is pretty long when I sit down to think about it. So I have been very thankful. Praying to the powers that be an offering my thanks. (let’s not even start about who I pray to. All I know is that there is a God/supreme being and that is whom I pray to, if HE goes by the name Allah, God, Jehovah, Mungu, Mukama… me I don’t know. All I know is that I pray.. tosha gari!

So have a thankful day. It may not all be perfect or as you had planned, but you know you gotta it better than most.. hey .. you can read this, that alone means you have access to a comp and internet and that puts you in a better place than many. So give thanks

Be blessed.

Confession time

Haya here goes brace yourselves! This one has been a long time coming and the reason it is so late to the page is because I hate eating humble pie and ofcourse I am always right!

Cast your minds back to Dec 07/Jan 08… yeah that time. I wrote some things about the violence in Kenya that make me cringe when I read them. Woi.. I was talking out of my ass and for that I put my hand up and say I was WRONG WRONG WRONG. I got educated about the situation not long after that.. and should really have said something then.. but.. refer above. So there I have said it.

I am very proud to say that since then, this blog has not seen any political entries nor “how to save Africa” entries. I am so out of touch. I have not watched news or read newspapers in a long time. I have a general idea of what is going on.. but cannot even comment eloquently because I am so out of loop and nope I am not missing it. Now and then I loose my mind and comment on other peoples blogs about political/developmental stuff and then I realise how stupid and uninformed I sound when I read other comments (case in point.. my comment at Rombo’s) 🙂 thing is I have always had an opinion on EVERYTHING and I am  still learning the art of SILENCE! 🙂

Confession number 2:

I have forgotten what it was.. there were two things I was going to confess. .. it will come to me… in the meantime…

I am so inlove with my husband. And I know it sounds like I am showing off but it’s so true. For those of you who have been in long term relationships/marriage.. you know how it goes.. some times things are just normal.. .. nothing much.. then comes this wave that has you both behaving like you have just met and are falling in love for the first time. That’s where we are.. things are so good. We’re just in love!! At work I am smiling by myself.. remembering things. The other day I was reminding him of our first date how he came to pick me up from work and had a rose with him. He corrected me and said he had two roses because “I was twice as special”. Goofy … I k now.. but that earned him a kiss and other things you don’t need to know about! lol.. I am blushing.

I have remembered my other confession but let me finish gushing about my hubby. Right now it’s 10:13am he is still in bed. Today is a public holiday here so we are very relaxed. The sun is shinning, the sky is blue.. I intend to be at the beach later today. Anyway about hubby sleeping in late. That used to be such a sore point with me. I used to nag him about it. “come to bed with me, why do you have to wake up so late… why sleep so late”. I am a morning bird and he is a night owl and I was trying to change that. Used to get us both mad. Me… cause I wanted to go to bed, cuddle, chat and fall asleep in his arms.. him because he wanted to be up doing what he does.. enjoying the silence of the night and having the night to be himself.  One day after another tiff about “why do you have to get to bed so late.. don’t tell me you’re tired..serves you right for sleeping late”… I promised him that I would never again tell him/ask him to go to bed early. Many anights I had to swallow my anger about the issue.. before I knew it itwas a none issue.  He is who he is and I have accepted it. He was reminding me about it the other day.. asking me why it used to get me in such a tizzy and I was like.. “because…” and I didn’t  really have an answer.. but refer above.

Now on to my confession before I forget.

I confess that I have finally accepted that I don’t do religion or God well. It all came to me as  I was walking with my son back from daycare.  I had planned to tithe from my first salary and had agreed with myself on the amount.. I was jusst trying to figure out how to get my tithe to church (given that I do not attend church regularly or ever.. these days). As I walked past the church it occured to me just like that that I was tithing because I was “going to be good and do everything I ought to do then .. God will reward me and grant my prayers” . I was not tithing because “I love God”. I was tithing because I wanted something. Then I remembered some verses and in plain sight saw the foly of my  motive. My thoughts went into tailspin that week.

I sat with Big Al and asked him if he thought I was flaky.. one month I am so religious.. next.. I am a kafiri (heathen) to boot. One minute I believe the next.. I have so many doubts and question. He was sweet, he understood, told me that he had long accepted that I am a kind of religious mishap and that is part of who I am and he is ok with it. Said he supports me in whatever decision I make given that religion is a very important fabric for those who believe. Thus consoled.. I continued my self analysis and came to this conclusion

Somewhere in the bible it says we are all given a measure of faith. Well mine was very kidogo. I have tried cultivating it and well.. it just does not work for me.  Then while talking to a friend I mentioned that I was having a crisis of faith. She laughed and said.. “God Mrembo.. you have always had a crisis of faith.. remember back in high school…” I was taken aback.. I had totally forgotten my crises back those days…

From that I figured.. this stuff does not work for me. For me religion calls for blind unquestioning faith of which I have failed. I don’t know how to do it. I am not trying anymore.  there is more that has led me to where I am now..  but that’s a confession for another time.

So there you have it. My apologetic confession on politics, my love for my husband and my vanishing, evolving faith. Gotta run the outside’s calling

Blessed Easter folks.

I Testify

I promised I would          testify. Read on.

One day, I got on my knees (figurativley) and prayed.  I asked for a number of things and promised that if those things came through, I would testify to God’s greatness.

Last week I was on the bus to town. As I got off I noticed an African lady with braids that could only have been done in Kenya or Uganda. So I decided I would  say hi. She was ahead of me.. walking really quick. I hurried, caught up and proceeded to introduce myself.  Her english was broken but good enough to carry out a conversation. I asked where she was from, she said Kenya so we switched to swahili. She was on her way to work. I asked where, she told me. I asked if they were looking for people, she said yes and told me to drop of my CV. Later in the day she called me and warned me not to mention her name.

The next day I called and was told that all I had to do was go down and fill some forms. That I did.  I was told they were not looking for any people but they would hold on to my CV. Saturday I got a letter inviting me to an interview.  I begin work on Wednesday. A day from today.

I am  🙂  😀  God has delivered. Added to that, I got the confirmation that I can start my ka-parttiime course IN DANISH on 4th Feb.

My testimony is this: He works. He delivers. You just have to hold up your part of the deal!

3 hours later…….
ok, ok, ok! my nagging conscious won’t let me go without me saying this.

Deep breath…. my job..or rather my ka-job is a …. deep breath… BLUE COLLAR JOB!  there I said it!

I am so ashamed to admit that after the euphoria of being offered the job on the spot, my spirits deflated. I was like.. ..

“ok.. so this is it God! Thank you for the job! but.. but … but…ok…. so maybe this is my period of humility and stuff… I am grateful but …. and I don’t want to be grateful with a but…. I want to be saying thank You with all the gladness in my heart”

And no.. I have not only been applying for blue collar work. My approach has been two pronged. I have sent apps for the kind of work I want and to the blue collar ones. (I am still debating on whether or not to tell my dad about my job… if you think I have hangups about blue collar work… you ain’t yet met daddy dearest!) And yes, this is a reflection of my hangups on status, education, selfworth and work.

I won’t lie.. I had to have a little one-on-one with God after I got home.

It’s now 5 hours since I got the good news and about 3hrs since I had my one-on-one with God and I am fine and VERY GRATEFUL.

I felt that I had to acknowledge all of these feelings here otherwise the post would not have been authentic… and you all know I am trying my best to be the best person I can be… that means being authentic and all.

One thing remains though…. God is Good!

Amen!

And finally,

I have been feeling very religious 🙂 Listening to a lot of Joyce Meyer here and at youtube.com. I listen to her with a pinch of salt. I think she is a good speaker. As to the accuracies of biblical stuff and the whole “God told me, or God spoke to me.. ehe ehe ehe?? Remember the pinch of salt when listening, otherwise I find her very good.

I also found these guys. Now these are people I would give money to. I was saying to Big Al, “I would give money to the people who monitor those getting the money”. PS I currently do not give money to any preacher nor do I intend to.. but I do listen to thier stuff free of charge (those that I can find on the net) and if you are giving money to TBN… shame on you. If you believe in Benny Hinn.. you’re a fool of the biggest kind and deserve to get fleeced 🙂

Affirmation of my faith:

I believe in God. A superior supreme being who created humanity and the world. I believe in the existence of life after death. . I believe that Christianity, Buddhism, SOME new age stuff (don’t know much about Islam) work towards the conquering/control of the basic nature of human beings. That nature is selfish.  Having believed thus, I have chosen to affiliate my self with the Jesus camp but ultimately I believe in God the supreme Being. I believe I should work towards the betterment of my soul and spirit so that when my time comes, my aura will burn so bright, it will burn your eyes.

Pray?:*!

I have not been able to pray in a long long long time: It has felt futile and pointless. Let me be honest, I did pray the other day. I prayed for my son, that God would bless him, that he would grow to be a man of integrity, honor and be a man’s man. I felt that perhaps God would hear this prayer.

Prior to this prayer, I do not remember when I last spoke with the Almighty. My faith is being eroded. A part of me is CERTAIN that it will not be completely gone, however the fundamentals of what I believe ARE SHIFTING towards what……. I am not sure. I have drafted so many prayers in my head to God. I have called HIM out. I have said that surely if the prophets of old, would sit and reason with HIM surely surely HE can do the same today. (perhaps I have been found unworthy….)

The chaos in Kenya leaves me wondering about the Christian God and HIS whereabouts during this crisis. THEY BURNED PEOPLE IN YOUR HOUSE. They keep doing this all the time ALL THE TIME. THEY did it in Rwanda AND again and again YOU KEEP SILENT?

WHY?? WHY…. do YOU see why it becomes so so HARD to keep the faith. Are we simply pawns on a chess board in a game far beyond our comprehension. If so why then give us this intelligence. I am sorry, YOUR MYSTERIOUS WAYS OF WORKING don’t cut it with me anymore.

I want to stamp my feet and say “ITS OVER, I CAN’T DO THIS ANYMORE”. I figure that You and Allah have either absconded duty or are bewildered. .. I don’t know anymore.

I just don’t know… so I end in the way I have been ending every one of my monologues

God, if YOU are there YOU who made this world, I don’t know who you are, where you are, what name you go by, but I am talking to the one who made this Universe, IF you are there, STAND UP AND BE COUNTED.

Sinner on Strike

We have issues. Trust issues. I don’t trust HIM. There I said it. I’ve verbalized and recorded it for time immemorial. That is the crux of the matter. I DON’T TRUST GOD.  (now comes thunder and brimstone damning me to a life of eternal torture).

He says “Come let us reason together” and I come over and over again.  Many a times  it seems, feels and looks like HE disappoints or fails to deliever and so trust issues develop. They say trust is earned.

So I am pissed off at Him and at myself mostly at myself for believing that HE works the way He says in His book that He does. Oh yeah I get the mysterious workings thing… … so mysterious I don’t get it.

I count my blessings and thank HIM everytime we sit down to talk. What bothers me most is HIS silence and the ambiguity of HIS answers in response to my requests. Too much room left for coincidences, happenstance and life.

The other day I thought: “I don’t know who I fear most; the devil for the shit he can do to you, or God for allowing the shit to happen”

Thats where I am at with God.

This that or the other!

I was hoping the other “design” would grow on me. It didn’t; hence the new look. I don’t like it 120% but it will do for now.

Been working on two posts in my head. One about God (Nils I do tend to keep my promises) the other about love and relationships (as inspired by events in my home 🙂 ) but but but buuuuuttttt they aren’t gelling well.

Happy November folks!

God’s Warrior- Not!

So far I have watched God’s Muslim Warriors and God’s Christian Warriors, hoping to catch God’s Jewish Warriors.

Once again Christiane Amanpour delivers a fantastic piece of documentary that has generated much food for thought for me. (my juvenile obsession with her has been rejuvenated. Did you know she is half Iranian half British and can speak Persian and French fluently)

This post will be rather all over the place because I am not patient enough to sort out my thoughts and do a cohesive piece.

I am not God’s Warrior. Fundamentalism of any kind has always led to the subjugation of women and being a woman, I would like to protect myself from those who will at one point try to stump me under their feet in the name of God.

I want my son to go to a school that teaches the 10 commandments, sings hymns at assembly and teaches both creation and evolution. (Denmark, like US, has removed God from the public schools). I want him to have some kind of faith and then later on he can decide for himself… like I have and still am.

I have been plagued by Islamophobia since the 911 bombings and the British bombings and the Mohammed cartoon saga. I keep thinking, kwani.. what is wrong with “these people” can’t they just take it easy.. why all the violence.

At the same time, the hijab(headscarf worn by Muslim women) and the long clothes appeal to me for the simple reason that I am lazy about dressing and grooming my hair. I kind like the idea of few people ever seeing the “whole” of you. This may have something to do with my bouts of insecurity about how I look that sometimes plague me……like this week…. been feeling very fugly (fugly =f…cking ugly. Though that new outfit that cost £14 looks good and displays my legs magnificently)

I used to watch John Hagee till early this year when started weaning myself off him… after watching God’s Christian Warriors I know I had made the right decision… dude is kidogo nuts!

Ugandan journalism is the worst of it’s kind. I read the New Vision and Monitor Newspapers and dismayed the the blatantly false information supplied by the writers of some of the articles. What puzzles me even more is that both papers have access to the net and a lot of CORRECT, FACTUAL information can be sourced from the net, yet they publish stuff that just makes you wonder.. Mr EDITOR what the heck are you doing?? do the words, VERIFY and FACTS cross your mind when you approve an article for print.

Big Al was busy hobnobbing with some posh people yesterday and told me that one of his colleague’s sister works for CNN. I am always griping about CNN’s “Inside Africa”. Why the heck are they always (80%) of the time reporting stories from South Africa, eh..? Anyway, the colleague said her sister is the producer of Inside Africa and the reason that the stories are SA biased is because 1) they have a small budget so they cannot be flying all over the continent to report stories. 2) CNN Africa HQ is in SA. 3) The quality of the stories they get are poor.

So being the enterprising person I am (still waiting for the evidence of my enterprise).. I thought, “si people start making good documentaries and selling them to CNN etc etc.. a factual piece of journalism from African perspective for the global audience. All you need is a camera man, light man and an ambitious budding journalist).

God and I are on some kind of standoff. Read this which clearly explains PART of what I am feeling.