A few things about me

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In defence of the married woman

This post is inspired by Raymond’s post which can be found here. It was a good funny read .

That said I feel I must stand up for the married woman seeing I am such a woman.

Married women get so much bashing, some of it is well deserved and the rest not so. A lot of it seems to come from mouths that are on the other side of the fence or from men who are not married.

The instution of marriage is a hard one. There I said it. It is hard. It is also one of the most rewarding relationships you will ever have if you work at it.

Forget all the bullshit you see on TV and in films. The romance part  might be true in the first few years of marriage after that is takes work and the DECISION TO STAY by both parties and to STAY HAPPY that can make a marriage phenomenol.

When I look back at the first 2-3 years of being with Big Al I have to smile with nostalgia at the whole new love-falling in love thing. God we were so in love. Stupid in love. Hold my hand, kiss me in public in-love.  The kind that makes you ignore all the little things that later bug you. Then we made it past three years and the “being in love” love changed to a kinda deeper love and it was all good. By year three of being together we were married.  We married in 2002 and had our first child in 2007 and we met in 2000

Let me tell you this, A CHILD will CHANGE THE MIX of marriage KABISA. So when I hear people got married and  in less than 2 years a child is born, I feel for the couple. You haven’t even gotten the opportunity to know each other truly and BANG baby is in the mix.

On to defending the married woman. We get bashed a lot for:

  • gaining weight
  • Not taking care of our physical appearance.. ala dressing up, nails, stocking on head when going to sleep, wearing lesos et
  • Not availing sex on demand or as often as it used to be
  • Not cooking like before
  • Not babying him like before

Here is the thing MEN need to accept and my sisters still on the other side of marriage passing judgement need to know is coming.

  • As your wife and  the mother of your children, chances are I WILL GAIN WEIGHT after giving birth to YOUR CHILD. Just a fact.  9 out of 10 women gain weight so if you think I am going to look like those movie stars who starve to death to look good.. maybe you are shopping for the wife in the wrong market. YOU yes YOU dear husband will also gain weight after the birth of our child, so put a lid on it about the weight thing. The questions is how much weight is she willing to keep and how much are you willing to accept. We married women know that men are visual creatures and we try to keep it the weight off and keep being attractive for you.  I may need some help loosing the weight. So if it’s bugging you and it is bugging me, help me out. How.. allow me THE TIME to do what I gotta do to shift this weight. Using the excuse that she is no longer attractive in my eyes because she gained weight is so much bullshit. Who said I find your behind attractive after that pot belly you have developed. It works both ways. … maybe that’s why I gotta headache 5 days out of 7…know what I mean.
  • Taking care of my physical appearance will take a dive if we have kids cause like it or not.. kids will be first priority for sometime. It costs money to look good all the time and before the kids came around, our money was spread two ways. When the kids come it spreads 3, 4 or five ways depending on how many we make. So unless our income increases propotionally,  I will not be smelling as expensive as before or having my nails buffed all the time cause that money is going to diapers, nursery, schoolfees.. get my drift daddy? But believe it or not, I do want to look hot 24/7. Sometimes it’s just not practical. I do try. I do.
  • Now we come to the sex thing. It’s so simple. So simple. Be nice to me and you will get all the sex you want. Just be nice to me. (thing is most men don’t know what being nice to thier wives mean). Tip here.. buying me stuff will not cut it after some time. Spend time with me, be interested in me, talk to me, help me out with the kids, hear me when I talk. Do all these things consistently and  baby you will be getting sex round the clock. Most wives just want to be acknowlegded and know that thier husbands “see” them. This mambo of “baby I love you” and then expect great sex.. sorry dude.. it ain’t happening.
  • The things I have said about sex apply also to men, so wives you know you also gotta be nice to him.. cause when he goes out the door and is shagging that chick on the side, chances are apart from it being just a shag cause he could.. Miss thing on the side is being nice to him. She makes him feel like a hero, blah blah blah.
  • Cooking; sex rules apply here. Be nice and I will cook for you.
  • Babying him: Shit.. I am not your mother”!

 

Marriage gets a bad rap because  of peoples’ egos. Ego is a big ass thing and most people don’t know how to check thier egos. That is something Big Al and I have learnt to do over the years. Most times when we sit down to resolve issues after a fight,  we realise it was all about “me”. Like recently we had a horrible period because he felt that he was not being treated right and I felt I was not being treated right so we both withdrew into ourselves. I have mentioned it before we are “silent fighters”. Shouting is not our style. We just emotionally withdraw.

This went on for about 3 weeks.  Finally while he was away on work safari he called, we started talking and stuff got resolved.

Being honest is not as easy or as hard as it sometimes is made to be. It’s about being honest at the right time with both one’s self and your spouse. There I was thinking I was being attentive and helful.. while he felt he was being a supportive husband inspite of work stress. I had my own stressdue to of lack of sleep due to the new baby, not enough help around the house. So there we were, two people each hoping the other will see the other’s hardship and be nice. He needed for me to be supportive, tactile and all kissy kissy and I needed him to wake up early,  clean more dishes etc

Meanwhile what he was doing was asking me about my day and playing with the kids (thought he was being nice) and I was busy keeping the kids out of his way, doing dishes when it was his turn, so that he could do the work he needed to do.

We so were totally not tuned into what the other needed … until we talked, we realised how off we were and issues got resolved. Before the resolution you shoulda seen or heard what was going on in my head… “he just don’t care about me, I am tired of this shit.. go off and find me another man who cares.. the stuff I have to put up with with this man.. haki ya mungu…” it went on and on. “I am such a good wife.. does he see that.. ” I tell you stuff went on.

It seems so silly when I type it now.. but imagine.. it was a 3 week cold war in my house..

So yes.. marriage is hard, but if you put in the hard work, with the right person, its the best deal in life, hands down.

It is 22.40. Baby has been sleeping for 1 hours. She will be waking at 03.00am. I need to get my 4 hours before she wakes.

I have read it through only once.. forgive all the typos present.

For your pleasure

I found this website while looking at pics of this couple over at Essence.com. (by the way I think they make such a beautiful couple)

Fell in love with the website. Love the whole concept of engagement photos and the vintage photo shoots.

After having spent hours browsing I called hubby over to my comp and said… “you see this, we are so doing this some time, one day”

Enjoy

Married affairs

I will try to do the post justice. It might not work since I will be retelling conversations between hubby and me. So if it does not make sense just ignore.

The reason I am posting is because a few days back I was speaking to my girlfriend’s husband, lets call him Ralph and we ended up talking for ages on the phone about a subject matter that had only recently been reharshed in my house.  To sum it all up I will call the topic  “How wives appreciate husbands”

Big Al has on occassion said that sometimes he just gives up trying to do stuff cause even when he does it at my nagging and demands, he gets no praise or appreciation for it. So it’s like why bother. My rebuttal to this  usually was “if it is stuff like picking up your socks and helping around the house, I don’t see why you need thanks.” To which he responded, “All I am saying is when I start doing the stuff you have been nagging me to do, I get nothing back from you . Like when I start spending more time with you guys instead of work, I don’t get “a positive” feed back”.

The first time he said this to me, I will be honest, I thought to myself “fucking hell, now what, I gotta kiss your ass for doing the right thing” but my passive agressive side just withdrew into a ka-cold war and into thinking about what he had said. I tell you my hubby is lucky, cause me, I always take time to think about what he has said, in order to asses whether what he says has some validity to it or he is talking outta his ass. So I got to thinking and thinking about the times I get pissed about him not “appreciating” MY efforts and attempts to please him or at his request/nag 🙂 and I saw the light. In the same way I wanted him to tell me “well done” on having applied for that job or “you are are really good mother” or “the food you cooked was off the chain” or “you are one hot woman! or “you’re beautiful, I am amazed you chose me” (yes I’m needy like that 🙂 ) was the same way he needed to here me say “it’s lovely you spent the time with us without mentioning work”  or a simple quick “thanks for doing the bed” or the big things like  “you’re so hot, you totally turn me on” or “I was thinking about all the hard work you do to keep a roof over our heads and stuff so I bought you this Ipod shuffle as a thank you”. It’s all the same. Men need it just as much as women do.. but it is different stuff for me and women.

So when  Ralph  was bringing up this stuff I was laughing cause Big Al and I had sorta finally just sorted this issue out (this time round) and to hear another guy more or less say the very thing that Big Al had been saying to me I was like “okay”. This stuff is seriously important.

Marriage is constant constant work. Forever tweaking and tankering with stuff allowing for two individuals to live together in harmony and happiness. I never want to stay married to Allan and feel that my dreams had to be sacrificed, yet at the same time I do realise me being married demands certain sacrifices on my part. Sacrifices that I find myself more and more willing to make because ultimately, I wanted to have children and I now want to raise DECENT HUMAN BEINGS and I can only do that in certain conditions. I know that for me being a stay at home wife is not right, yet I don’t want a job that requires me to work 37 hours a week (standart working week).  3 days a week, works perfectly for me. The more I plan for baby number 2 the more I find out about myself and what is important for me and sometimes it surprises me.

I like having a happy husband. I like being happy with my husband. I like my life as Big Al’s wife. I love and like what we have together and because of that I want to do stuff that makes us thrive as a couple and individually. I know a lot of single women reading this may not fully understand that part about appreciating the man in the way I described it above…. all I can say is “wait your turn then come tell me”. I think when anyone marrys right, its a beautiful thing.

One of my favourite things to do when walking in town is to observe all the older couples, walking together holding hands, it just makes me smile.  These days i like watching couples with kids in town, seeing thier interaction. You can always tell those that are still doing ok and those that well… “today was a bitch ass of a day” couples.

I no longer know what I am saying.  But my intial attempt was to say that men just like women need for thier loved ones to show thier appreciation to them. Nag him enough and he will tell you what he likes to hear from you, then you can take it away from there and remember in the same way you as a woman can tell he is faking.. so can he.

and as I finish off.. let me leave with you this ka-story

I remember while I was still working in the UK, a new collegue admited to me that she and hubby were having a rough patch and she was pissed that he never said nice things to her.  That day she was to meet him during our  lunch break and she was already in a mood so I said to her.. “just tell him something nice about himself do. Like he looks really good today or that the shirt is nice you know something”. She looked at me and shook her head as if to you say “yeah right”. Anyway so she went for the lucnh and when she got back she said nothing, then just before we left for home she said to me.

“oh you know that thing you said about telling him something nice, when he walked into the shop, he had his sun glasses on and he looked really cool and hot , so I told him so and he was really shocked and pleased.. we had a nice lunch”.

You know the romantic in me was pleased as punch.

have a complimenting day darlings.

 

Ugly Beauty

I’ve been wanting to write this post for a long time but I can’t. I cannot do it justice without hurting people left right and center and much as I would love to let it all out I remember that with freedom comes responsibility.

The post was to be about the person who first told me I was ugly and I believed them. It was to be about how the things said to us as young people shape our lives.

I don’t know how I was aware of it or how it came into my sphere of knowledge but from about 7 years of age I knew I was ugly. Ok so maybe ugly is harsh but all the same I knew I was not pretty like other girls. I had serious buck teeth. I still have a large overbite but not as bad thanks to my mother and my dentist of many years. (I never did the railwaytrack things, we couldn’t afford them)

Perhaps it was in standard 1 when the “Urembo squad” girls teamed up and left me and Z out of the group. We were the only two girls not included in a “squad”. There was the rich girls, the pretty girls then there was me and Z. Or perhaps it was in standard 3 when Mrs T was praising all the girls handwritings and when I quickly jotted something down and asked her how mine was she said it was not as good as Urembo Squad girl no.2. And so it went on throughout primary school. I got acne far before my teens, had blemished teeth due to flourosis, was always the tallest girl in my class. I look back and my heart goes out to the girl me, yet in a strange freakish way, it never bogged me down. I was never depressed but I was needy. I clung to the little morsels of friendship from the Urembo Squad girls. Oh I so badly wanted to belong. But Z stood by me and we were always together. I was mean to a certain girl. Let’s call her D. P had joined my class in standard 5 and had decided to be my friend then comes along D and to me it felt like she was trying to take her away from me.. out came the nastiness. I wasn’t directly nasty to her.. but I was sneaky nasty.  God to be in Standard 5.

  Standard 6 was hellish. For a term or two terms, memory fails me, no one talked to me in class because I somehow managed to piss off Queen Bee. I remember going to school not having a fully equiped set and needing to borrow a protractor from the classmate who sat besides me. She refused to let me use hers, while the maths teacher waited for us all to measure our angles. He then walks over to classmate and takes the protractor from her and gives it to me. She had two. Me begging mum to buy me a set cause no one would lend me stuff. Mum refusing cause she had no money and the set she bought in January was to last the whole year! Standard 6 was one hell of a nightmare. OnlyJ would talk to me and that was after school when she would ring me and tell me how in trouble I was with Queen bee. To this day I remember Queen Bee clearly and wonder what I would say to her if I ever meet her.

Back to being ugly. I accepted I was not good looking and that no boy would be interested in me. So when all the girls were having  boy crushes, I was not bothered because boys did not feature in my dreams. The same attitude carried on to high school. I didn’t go for the prom (social) in form 4 and 6 because I figured that it was better not to go than be benched =not being asked for a dance. I stayed behind with the group of “saved girls” who believed proms were immoral. It was a fucked up mess.. the religiousity of my school.

My first kiss was a nice guy. I let him because he was kenyan and cute and was interested. I knew I was not what he wanted, but I was almost 21 and had never been kissed. Then came this West African dude who wanted me and he was a wanted guy sorta.. but he wanted me and that was just unbelievable.. but I did not want him. He did good for my ego cause he got crushed when I turned him down. It was then that I begun to think that maybe maybe I was not so ugly.. cause if West African guy wanted me.. ..hello.. dude wanted to buy me a mobile phone ..those were the days they cost a fortune. To tell the truth, West African dude kinda signed his own dumpee fate. One day when walking in town he says to me in conversatin “You certainly not the prettiest girl I have seen, you’re ok.. I mean I have seen prettier but you’re ok” and I was thinking “idiot.. you’re trying to get in my pants, the least you could say is that I am the prettiest thing you ever did see.. make me feel wanted” dude signed his fate.

Then between kenyan and West AFrican guy was South African dude. Oh baby! God bless K. God bless that man. For those few weeks he where showered me with his attention he did more for my self worth as a  young woman than anyone could in a hundred years. He was GORGEOUS. He was BEAUTIFUL and he WANTED ME yet he had all these beautiful women around him but for those few days and weeks he wanted me. I knew what he wanted from me and was unable to give it up.. but Lord the man was fine. I heard he still is and guess what he remembers me. K  knows an old friend of mine in passing. They bumped into each other a few years back and he was like “hey you know Mrembo.. how is she” so friend of mine whom I hadn’t spoke to in ages cause she had immigrated called me and was like “what the hell did you do to that man that after all these years he still remembers you”….my ego flew!

Every ugly girl deserves a K in thier lives. The man who will show you that you are desirable that you are woman.

I got lost reminiscing. I got smiles just remembering. I kid you not that man was finer than fine.

and I have completely lost track as to why I started this post. K has me smiling.

I think, that like fine wine I have aged beautifully 🙂 or maybe I am fine with who I am now. Big Al is responsible for a lot of that. Just the other day we were talking and I was telling him (seriously) how for a long time I thought he would call it quits. I couldn’t quite accept that he wanted me and that he found me attractive. But he did and he does and more than any of those guys I have mentioned he made me feel special from the very first time I met him and that’s how I kinda knew that he was the one!

Good night

Ugly or beautiful we are all people wanting to be desired and when you find the one.. oh the magic!

(you wouldn’t believe that a few hours ago I raised my voice in anger at my husband for the very first time. That’s what love does. He is the one person that can piss me off without even trying.. but I love  and like him still)

Confession time

Haya here goes brace yourselves! This one has been a long time coming and the reason it is so late to the page is because I hate eating humble pie and ofcourse I am always right!

Cast your minds back to Dec 07/Jan 08… yeah that time. I wrote some things about the violence in Kenya that make me cringe when I read them. Woi.. I was talking out of my ass and for that I put my hand up and say I was WRONG WRONG WRONG. I got educated about the situation not long after that.. and should really have said something then.. but.. refer above. So there I have said it.

I am very proud to say that since then, this blog has not seen any political entries nor “how to save Africa” entries. I am so out of touch. I have not watched news or read newspapers in a long time. I have a general idea of what is going on.. but cannot even comment eloquently because I am so out of loop and nope I am not missing it. Now and then I loose my mind and comment on other peoples blogs about political/developmental stuff and then I realise how stupid and uninformed I sound when I read other comments (case in point.. my comment at Rombo’s) 🙂 thing is I have always had an opinion on EVERYTHING and I am  still learning the art of SILENCE! 🙂

Confession number 2:

I have forgotten what it was.. there were two things I was going to confess. .. it will come to me… in the meantime…

I am so inlove with my husband. And I know it sounds like I am showing off but it’s so true. For those of you who have been in long term relationships/marriage.. you know how it goes.. some times things are just normal.. .. nothing much.. then comes this wave that has you both behaving like you have just met and are falling in love for the first time. That’s where we are.. things are so good. We’re just in love!! At work I am smiling by myself.. remembering things. The other day I was reminding him of our first date how he came to pick me up from work and had a rose with him. He corrected me and said he had two roses because “I was twice as special”. Goofy … I k now.. but that earned him a kiss and other things you don’t need to know about! lol.. I am blushing.

I have remembered my other confession but let me finish gushing about my hubby. Right now it’s 10:13am he is still in bed. Today is a public holiday here so we are very relaxed. The sun is shinning, the sky is blue.. I intend to be at the beach later today. Anyway about hubby sleeping in late. That used to be such a sore point with me. I used to nag him about it. “come to bed with me, why do you have to wake up so late… why sleep so late”. I am a morning bird and he is a night owl and I was trying to change that. Used to get us both mad. Me… cause I wanted to go to bed, cuddle, chat and fall asleep in his arms.. him because he wanted to be up doing what he does.. enjoying the silence of the night and having the night to be himself.  One day after another tiff about “why do you have to get to bed so late.. don’t tell me you’re tired..serves you right for sleeping late”… I promised him that I would never again tell him/ask him to go to bed early. Many anights I had to swallow my anger about the issue.. before I knew it itwas a none issue.  He is who he is and I have accepted it. He was reminding me about it the other day.. asking me why it used to get me in such a tizzy and I was like.. “because…” and I didn’t  really have an answer.. but refer above.

Now on to my confession before I forget.

I confess that I have finally accepted that I don’t do religion or God well. It all came to me as  I was walking with my son back from daycare.  I had planned to tithe from my first salary and had agreed with myself on the amount.. I was jusst trying to figure out how to get my tithe to church (given that I do not attend church regularly or ever.. these days). As I walked past the church it occured to me just like that that I was tithing because I was “going to be good and do everything I ought to do then .. God will reward me and grant my prayers” . I was not tithing because “I love God”. I was tithing because I wanted something. Then I remembered some verses and in plain sight saw the foly of my  motive. My thoughts went into tailspin that week.

I sat with Big Al and asked him if he thought I was flaky.. one month I am so religious.. next.. I am a kafiri (heathen) to boot. One minute I believe the next.. I have so many doubts and question. He was sweet, he understood, told me that he had long accepted that I am a kind of religious mishap and that is part of who I am and he is ok with it. Said he supports me in whatever decision I make given that religion is a very important fabric for those who believe. Thus consoled.. I continued my self analysis and came to this conclusion

Somewhere in the bible it says we are all given a measure of faith. Well mine was very kidogo. I have tried cultivating it and well.. it just does not work for me.  Then while talking to a friend I mentioned that I was having a crisis of faith. She laughed and said.. “God Mrembo.. you have always had a crisis of faith.. remember back in high school…” I was taken aback.. I had totally forgotten my crises back those days…

From that I figured.. this stuff does not work for me. For me religion calls for blind unquestioning faith of which I have failed. I don’t know how to do it. I am not trying anymore.  there is more that has led me to where I am now..  but that’s a confession for another time.

So there you have it. My apologetic confession on politics, my love for my husband and my vanishing, evolving faith. Gotta run the outside’s calling

Blessed Easter folks.

Life’s Cards

Life deals you cards and play you must. The matter is how you play them.

This has been the mantra I have been muttering around the house as I did my winter cleaning. Baby was back in daycare after two weeks of being at home, Big Al was off to work, I had the house to myself and a big clean was in order. As I mopped the floors, dusted and moved things around, I repeated my mantra over and over again in its various forms. “There ain’t nothing you can do about it.. just go with the flow” “worrying about it does not change a thing” “it is what it is”.

Towards the end of last year, i recieved some devastating news from my family back home. It has impacted my family in ways I cannot describe. I have cried and cried and finally accepted that what is is.  I cannot delve into the whats and wherefores of it due to the fact that involves someone else’s privacy other than mine.

The new year has started good but “our issue” is with us and it will be with us as long as we live.  There is absolutely NOTHING that  can be done or could have been done. It is what it is.

It has brought a lot of heartache, dissention, denial, change, fear as wellas brought some of us closer. Through all this I have marvelved at the man that is my husband.

He has counseled me, cheered me, allowed me to cry and vent even when it was irrational. He has allowed me to express my inner most fears with regards to “our issue”. Not once has he shown me that “you’re on your own, that has nothing to do with me”. I thought I loved him, now I know I love him enough to do the stupid things people do when in love, ….. you know  like tattoo his name on my boob! 🙂

So here it is folks. Life deals you cards and play you must! It’s how you play that matters.

so go ‘ head and play baby play!!

Prayer

Yes I am a kaffir like that.. when things get ngumu I pray!

While the year is still fresh, may You… God the creator grant us strength, grace and love to face the challenges ahead! May You grant us wisdom and discernment.  And when it looks like we are finished… Lord please please shine the light!

Amen

Thank you!

This is to the love of my life.

Thank you for the help.

love you