A few things about me

Archive for the ‘Marriage’ Category

In defence of the married woman

This post is inspired by Raymond’s post which can be found here. It was a good funny read .

That said I feel I must stand up for the married woman seeing I am such a woman.

Married women get so much bashing, some of it is well deserved and the rest not so. A lot of it seems to come from mouths that are on the other side of the fence or from men who are not married.

The instution of marriage is a hard one. There I said it. It is hard. It is also one of the most rewarding relationships you will ever have if you work at it.

Forget all the bullshit you see on TV and in films. The romance part  might be true in the first few years of marriage after that is takes work and the DECISION TO STAY by both parties and to STAY HAPPY that can make a marriage phenomenol.

When I look back at the first 2-3 years of being with Big Al I have to smile with nostalgia at the whole new love-falling in love thing. God we were so in love. Stupid in love. Hold my hand, kiss me in public in-love.  The kind that makes you ignore all the little things that later bug you. Then we made it past three years and the “being in love” love changed to a kinda deeper love and it was all good. By year three of being together we were married.  We married in 2002 and had our first child in 2007 and we met in 2000

Let me tell you this, A CHILD will CHANGE THE MIX of marriage KABISA. So when I hear people got married and  in less than 2 years a child is born, I feel for the couple. You haven’t even gotten the opportunity to know each other truly and BANG baby is in the mix.

On to defending the married woman. We get bashed a lot for:

  • gaining weight
  • Not taking care of our physical appearance.. ala dressing up, nails, stocking on head when going to sleep, wearing lesos et
  • Not availing sex on demand or as often as it used to be
  • Not cooking like before
  • Not babying him like before

Here is the thing MEN need to accept and my sisters still on the other side of marriage passing judgement need to know is coming.

  • As your wife and  the mother of your children, chances are I WILL GAIN WEIGHT after giving birth to YOUR CHILD. Just a fact.  9 out of 10 women gain weight so if you think I am going to look like those movie stars who starve to death to look good.. maybe you are shopping for the wife in the wrong market. YOU yes YOU dear husband will also gain weight after the birth of our child, so put a lid on it about the weight thing. The questions is how much weight is she willing to keep and how much are you willing to accept. We married women know that men are visual creatures and we try to keep it the weight off and keep being attractive for you.  I may need some help loosing the weight. So if it’s bugging you and it is bugging me, help me out. How.. allow me THE TIME to do what I gotta do to shift this weight. Using the excuse that she is no longer attractive in my eyes because she gained weight is so much bullshit. Who said I find your behind attractive after that pot belly you have developed. It works both ways. … maybe that’s why I gotta headache 5 days out of 7…know what I mean.
  • Taking care of my physical appearance will take a dive if we have kids cause like it or not.. kids will be first priority for sometime. It costs money to look good all the time and before the kids came around, our money was spread two ways. When the kids come it spreads 3, 4 or five ways depending on how many we make. So unless our income increases propotionally,  I will not be smelling as expensive as before or having my nails buffed all the time cause that money is going to diapers, nursery, schoolfees.. get my drift daddy? But believe it or not, I do want to look hot 24/7. Sometimes it’s just not practical. I do try. I do.
  • Now we come to the sex thing. It’s so simple. So simple. Be nice to me and you will get all the sex you want. Just be nice to me. (thing is most men don’t know what being nice to thier wives mean). Tip here.. buying me stuff will not cut it after some time. Spend time with me, be interested in me, talk to me, help me out with the kids, hear me when I talk. Do all these things consistently and  baby you will be getting sex round the clock. Most wives just want to be acknowlegded and know that thier husbands “see” them. This mambo of “baby I love you” and then expect great sex.. sorry dude.. it ain’t happening.
  • The things I have said about sex apply also to men, so wives you know you also gotta be nice to him.. cause when he goes out the door and is shagging that chick on the side, chances are apart from it being just a shag cause he could.. Miss thing on the side is being nice to him. She makes him feel like a hero, blah blah blah.
  • Cooking; sex rules apply here. Be nice and I will cook for you.
  • Babying him: Shit.. I am not your mother”!

 

Marriage gets a bad rap because  of peoples’ egos. Ego is a big ass thing and most people don’t know how to check thier egos. That is something Big Al and I have learnt to do over the years. Most times when we sit down to resolve issues after a fight,  we realise it was all about “me”. Like recently we had a horrible period because he felt that he was not being treated right and I felt I was not being treated right so we both withdrew into ourselves. I have mentioned it before we are “silent fighters”. Shouting is not our style. We just emotionally withdraw.

This went on for about 3 weeks.  Finally while he was away on work safari he called, we started talking and stuff got resolved.

Being honest is not as easy or as hard as it sometimes is made to be. It’s about being honest at the right time with both one’s self and your spouse. There I was thinking I was being attentive and helful.. while he felt he was being a supportive husband inspite of work stress. I had my own stressdue to of lack of sleep due to the new baby, not enough help around the house. So there we were, two people each hoping the other will see the other’s hardship and be nice. He needed for me to be supportive, tactile and all kissy kissy and I needed him to wake up early,  clean more dishes etc

Meanwhile what he was doing was asking me about my day and playing with the kids (thought he was being nice) and I was busy keeping the kids out of his way, doing dishes when it was his turn, so that he could do the work he needed to do.

We so were totally not tuned into what the other needed … until we talked, we realised how off we were and issues got resolved. Before the resolution you shoulda seen or heard what was going on in my head… “he just don’t care about me, I am tired of this shit.. go off and find me another man who cares.. the stuff I have to put up with with this man.. haki ya mungu…” it went on and on. “I am such a good wife.. does he see that.. ” I tell you stuff went on.

It seems so silly when I type it now.. but imagine.. it was a 3 week cold war in my house..

So yes.. marriage is hard, but if you put in the hard work, with the right person, its the best deal in life, hands down.

It is 22.40. Baby has been sleeping for 1 hours. She will be waking at 03.00am. I need to get my 4 hours before she wakes.

I have read it through only once.. forgive all the typos present.

@#* bleh “#! and everything

I had run out of gas totally. Decided not to push it and rode the gas-less wave. Then someone sent me an “I think you should try this one out” email. I looked at the email and thought, yeah, I can do this. The engine begun to rev. Been so long since I had that feeling and I got into the groove of things.

Did the first cover letter sent it off for editing and stuff. That was today morning. An hour ago I was filling out this long-ass application form and guess what, I get to part 8, the end of it all and frigging bleh!.  I had to attached a cover letter, which I had not yet done, cause my stupid reasoning concluded that I would not need it. So I start to do the cover letter and in the process loose all the work I had done because the totally useless website does not let you close, save and return later. effing shit if you ask me.

I am off work this week and next due to moving house and Nikh starting daycare at a new place. I am beat. (yeah right, and you still have time to blog) bugger off I say!

Two things, being without loads of money is a pain. Living in Europe can be a pain. I could do with some cheap labour ala homestyle. Me, who has never painted a wall in my life spent 5 hours painting 1 room and 4 cupboard doors. Big Al is totally swamped at work with a deadline for tomorrow, so at the moment, I am dealing with the physical aspects of the house move alone.

Should I tell you of the melt down we both had, as in Big Al and I. Total meltdown that led to one of those yucky talks anyone in a  good relationship should and will have.

Anyway since I stopped expecting life to be fair and since I lost my I deserve xyz because xyz  attitude, my life with regards to handling issues has been so much easier. So here we are Big Al and I, totally overwhelmed with stuff. We are having major renovations done to the house cause the house is dated. I found the workmen, Big Al cut the deal after lenghty discussion between us and the bank. In come family with, are you serious, no way, we could get you a better deal . Nothing like making you second guess your decision, then all the other stuff,setting up new bills for the new house, paying off old ones, will we or will we nor hire a moving truck. I am yeah he is aye. Work,  do we have enough money for this, is Nikh’s stuff ready for his new daycare, the owner of the flat wants an exact move out date, we finally agree on the date and on top of all this  our normal life still has to go on while all this is taking place, food’s got to be cooked, house kept clean, toddler entertained, you know normal life. Talk about a pressure cooker enviorment. Come Sunday, explosion baby!

We don’t do shouting matches. Never have. Not our style. But we have done and do, snide comments, passive aggressive shit, emotional withdrawal.. you get the drift. So anyway, I had had enough so I drew the first shot and off we were. Yesu! Some of those talks are hard, but you know what, you gotta do it cause you have to get the emotional stuff on the table, feelings and all. It sounded little bit like this

Mrembo: I can’t help if you don’t tell me what is going on with you.

Big Al: There is no point in telling you cause I get shut down, like my issues are non-issues, here is the solution, let’s move on to Mrembo’s issues.

Mrembo: What the fuck are you talking about, that’s what you do to me, and then… blah blah blah.

Big Al: We are fundamentally different in the way we view issues and I have accepted that

Mrembo: That is not fair for you to say….(on something he had said earlier)

and so it went until we finally got to the point of understanding where the other was coming from and as I type this I can’t help but think, what exactly was the issue.(we were both suffering from  having withdrawn from each other and living seperate lives for about 1 week and as a result you start to feel disconnected and unhappy and my spouse don’t give a fig about me feeling begin to crop up) It’s uncomfortable to talk about the issues where you feel your spouse is letting you down and it is hard to hear about your own failings in fulfilling your spouse’s emotional needs. It’s these silent killers that just build and build and because one never talks about it, then one day you find yourself throwing in the towel.

At the end of our convo Big Al said “it’s hard work being married” and I was like “no shit”. (of the two of us, I swear, he almost never swears… me.. .my mouth ain’t so clean)

So yeah, that is how it goes with me. We were laughing today saying, yeah, just bring on something else we can handle it. The good thing is we are on the same page albeit we disagree on a few things here and there, but same page none-the-less and Baby Nikh is such a happy child. He is so happy and glad that  even when both his parents are feeling stressed and stuff, he makes us laugh with his totally genius moments.

In a way I feel energised. I can deal with this. Big Al and I are in it together

I really wish, many times I have wished so, that I was one of those who blogged about happy stuff, good stuff, all is going good in my life, but that’s just not my life, it’s up and down and.. well it is my life and so far I am ok with it. Would I change some things.. you bet.. like MORE MONEY MORE MONEY MORE MONEY, better job, better clothes, better shoes, you get my drift, but would I exchange my life with anyone’s hell no. Do I wish I had someone else’ life. It’s been a long while since that crossed my mind, a very long while.  Would I trade in my husband…. hmm now… if you had asked me this question last week.. I would have been like… maybe , today my answer is hell no!

Have a blessed day. I am off to bed. It is 23.36

I have read through once, forgive me if there are annoying mistakes… but I gotta go sleep.

Married affairs

I will try to do the post justice. It might not work since I will be retelling conversations between hubby and me. So if it does not make sense just ignore.

The reason I am posting is because a few days back I was speaking to my girlfriend’s husband, lets call him Ralph and we ended up talking for ages on the phone about a subject matter that had only recently been reharshed in my house.  To sum it all up I will call the topic  “How wives appreciate husbands”

Big Al has on occassion said that sometimes he just gives up trying to do stuff cause even when he does it at my nagging and demands, he gets no praise or appreciation for it. So it’s like why bother. My rebuttal to this  usually was “if it is stuff like picking up your socks and helping around the house, I don’t see why you need thanks.” To which he responded, “All I am saying is when I start doing the stuff you have been nagging me to do, I get nothing back from you . Like when I start spending more time with you guys instead of work, I don’t get “a positive” feed back”.

The first time he said this to me, I will be honest, I thought to myself “fucking hell, now what, I gotta kiss your ass for doing the right thing” but my passive agressive side just withdrew into a ka-cold war and into thinking about what he had said. I tell you my hubby is lucky, cause me, I always take time to think about what he has said, in order to asses whether what he says has some validity to it or he is talking outta his ass. So I got to thinking and thinking about the times I get pissed about him not “appreciating” MY efforts and attempts to please him or at his request/nag 🙂 and I saw the light. In the same way I wanted him to tell me “well done” on having applied for that job or “you are are really good mother” or “the food you cooked was off the chain” or “you are one hot woman! or “you’re beautiful, I am amazed you chose me” (yes I’m needy like that 🙂 ) was the same way he needed to here me say “it’s lovely you spent the time with us without mentioning work”  or a simple quick “thanks for doing the bed” or the big things like  “you’re so hot, you totally turn me on” or “I was thinking about all the hard work you do to keep a roof over our heads and stuff so I bought you this Ipod shuffle as a thank you”. It’s all the same. Men need it just as much as women do.. but it is different stuff for me and women.

So when  Ralph  was bringing up this stuff I was laughing cause Big Al and I had sorta finally just sorted this issue out (this time round) and to hear another guy more or less say the very thing that Big Al had been saying to me I was like “okay”. This stuff is seriously important.

Marriage is constant constant work. Forever tweaking and tankering with stuff allowing for two individuals to live together in harmony and happiness. I never want to stay married to Allan and feel that my dreams had to be sacrificed, yet at the same time I do realise me being married demands certain sacrifices on my part. Sacrifices that I find myself more and more willing to make because ultimately, I wanted to have children and I now want to raise DECENT HUMAN BEINGS and I can only do that in certain conditions. I know that for me being a stay at home wife is not right, yet I don’t want a job that requires me to work 37 hours a week (standart working week).  3 days a week, works perfectly for me. The more I plan for baby number 2 the more I find out about myself and what is important for me and sometimes it surprises me.

I like having a happy husband. I like being happy with my husband. I like my life as Big Al’s wife. I love and like what we have together and because of that I want to do stuff that makes us thrive as a couple and individually. I know a lot of single women reading this may not fully understand that part about appreciating the man in the way I described it above…. all I can say is “wait your turn then come tell me”. I think when anyone marrys right, its a beautiful thing.

One of my favourite things to do when walking in town is to observe all the older couples, walking together holding hands, it just makes me smile.  These days i like watching couples with kids in town, seeing thier interaction. You can always tell those that are still doing ok and those that well… “today was a bitch ass of a day” couples.

I no longer know what I am saying.  But my intial attempt was to say that men just like women need for thier loved ones to show thier appreciation to them. Nag him enough and he will tell you what he likes to hear from you, then you can take it away from there and remember in the same way you as a woman can tell he is faking.. so can he.

and as I finish off.. let me leave with you this ka-story

I remember while I was still working in the UK, a new collegue admited to me that she and hubby were having a rough patch and she was pissed that he never said nice things to her.  That day she was to meet him during our  lunch break and she was already in a mood so I said to her.. “just tell him something nice about himself do. Like he looks really good today or that the shirt is nice you know something”. She looked at me and shook her head as if to you say “yeah right”. Anyway so she went for the lucnh and when she got back she said nothing, then just before we left for home she said to me.

“oh you know that thing you said about telling him something nice, when he walked into the shop, he had his sun glasses on and he looked really cool and hot , so I told him so and he was really shocked and pleased.. we had a nice lunch”.

You know the romantic in me was pleased as punch.

have a complimenting day darlings.

 

Past few weeks

Nimekula nimeshiba, mpaka tumbo yani uma! Gluttony at it’s best. I will not be repeating this any time soon, I am sooo uncomfortable. can’t sleep.

I don’t know about where you’re at lakini hapa it is hot hot hot! There is no doubt that the sun in Denmark in summer is hotter than any other sun I have been exposed to in my many few travels. It burns. Sit in it for 10 mins and it starts to sting and burn like sharp needle points. Very different from Kenya or Uganda. My memories of it is more like a flat burn. You know like when you are seated in a car driving and the sun gets really hot, the burn is not uncomfy.. here it another story all together.  Let me just say I am loving it all

Denmark in summer is very lovely. Town feels like one big party f. Everyone and their mother is in town, colors abound, more flesh on display both male and female and may I say just say I am enjoying all the fleshy display :-), folks are eating out on the terraces. I am loving going to town, loving the heat.. just loving the sizzling atmosphere that is summer.

My life:

So so much is happening right now. So much that I am finding it hard to catch a moment to breath. We have finally FINALLY found a place of our own and have been running up and down doing all the necessary paperwork. Just so you know.. the law in Denmark states that a non-danish citizen cannot buy property if they have not been living in the country for more than 5 years. There are a few loopholes in that law that can be circumvented.. but I think this is what AFrican countries should be doing to protect their assests. As explained to us, this law is to protect against foreign investors coming in and siezing big chunks of land etc etc.. Anyway back to the property stuff. I’m in a place of shock, fear, excitment etc because for sooo long I have wanted my own house. FOR SO LONG. Those who know me can attest to this. When we moved to Demark I felt like I had kissed goodbye to so many things and this was one of them. For it to finally be happening is like a wow moment. I am a bit behind schedule 🙂 but I have gotten there.

All this stuff with the house got me thinking as to why my move to Denmark caused such emotional and mental upheavl in my life and it is basically this. (I know I have probably said this somewhere before..) All my life.. growing up, I was a good girl. Was not a rebellious teenager, never bothered my parents with boys, didn’t demand anything, did my best in my studies (though I was and remain a very “average” student…yup, I passed my course with very average results.. boring!.. but decent pass). I did all these things because I believed after being taught that being good paid off. That if I did all as I was to do.. my dreams and life would pan out as planned. Bollocks! After my BA degree I had a rude shock. When all my former classmates were getting jobs in corporate Kampala.. I was still floundering in the streets of Kampala trying to get a hook up bila luck.  Then I went to UK to do my masters .. after really carefully considering what I should do.. and bought into the whole thing of .. “so and so’s daughter did her masters and now she works for XYZ blue chip company and is minting money”. Bollocks again.  Didn’t pan out for me like that.  When I look back I can see why.. first.. my average results throughtout my academic life, secondly my ignorance during those first years when it came to filling out those long ass application forms that bluechip companys so love, thirdly, my lack of specialisation or niching…and last by not least my age and last perhaps is just plain bad luck or it was not written.. who knows.

So moving Denmark had me losing my job, my identity and my opportunity to build a career life… .it just about killed me because my expectations of myself were not matching with the reality that was my life. In UK I had worked so hard to get my foot on to my career ladder and just when I had, I decided to follow hubby here. Colossal ass mistake. My first year here was horrible. Horrible for me, horrible for my husband cause I bitched like crazy. It is only last year that I was able to tell him…. “if I had not been pregnant.. I was so leaving you”. That year I went home twice.. twice… and both times it about me trying to decide if I was living him or not.. actually i went home once then went to England….whether I could do the single mother thing, cause at that time.. love was just not enough for me.

I look at where I am today and I kind of marvel. One, that we didn’t break up as a couple (cause I tell you I was not nice to be around, I complained about Denmark, I blamed him indirectly for not knowing how shit Denmark was to foreigners with career hopes, I blamed him for destroying my life, I blamed me for being stupid… ati.. I love a man so much I followed him) Two.. I marvel at how much I have gotten to know myself and look at all the stuff that I wanted, thought I wanted, stuff I have let go of , stuff I have held on to..Sometimes I look at myself and I think.. “dang girl.. you are the shizzle (ala Snoop Dog). Three…that a a couple we are in a good place right now. I said to Big Al the other day, I am so looking forward to moving in with you again”. It’s another new begining for us and I am looking forward to it. This time I am prepared. No false expectations. I am ready to for the good, the bad and the ugly.

So there you have it, that’s what’s happening in my life right now.. I am gloriously happy, stressed, busy and moving along with life. Sometimes I feel fearless. Like.. I know what it means to have shattered dreams (am talking about my career and the fact that my career was greatly tied to my identity of my self). I now know I can survive that and move on…so bring it on baby.. I’m ready

I know that this post has no flow….

Mchuzi mix

I have just been at Mashada reading a thread about Development or something to that effect. About the possiblity of creating fedral states in Kenya aka Majimboism etc etc. I have forgotten the title of the thread. I read the first 3-4 pages in their entiriety and started getting agitated and stressed. I know that by opting not to follow any kind of news or “African development/the way forward for Africa” I am in essence burying my head in the sand. That’s fine with me. Why, because I look at my circle of influence and say to myself, “what can I do here and now for Kenya or Uganda, what am I doing” the answer, nothing. So then why should I stress myself by getting embroiled in conversation, speculation and postulation about things I can hardly do anything about. I have agreed with myself if I decide to do anything then I shall go into politcs or development and since that is not what I want at this point in my life.. my head continues to be buried in the sand.

I will say this though, that there are many intelligent, passionate dedicated Kenyans out there who all want the same thing for thier country and tribes. PEACE AND DEVELOPMENT. My mind struggles to find the solution to this. I have always said to my husband that I have dictatorial tendencies. God help everyone if I ever became president. I would just kill everyone in my quest to put Kenya/Uganda on the map. I think someone needs to blow up the whole sitting parliament so that we can start afresh with a new crop of leaders. If they then succeed in screwing things up like the current batch, then once and for all we will know that as a people we are seriously fucked up! That’s just the way I see it.

Haya on to other stuff now that that’s off my chest.

Finally finally my 2 year old son is sleeping through the night in his crib. HALLELUJAH! What a ride this sleep thing has been.

It is not all perfection. But it is 100% better than it used to be. He wakes up once for his bottle between 2.30 and 4.00am then again at around 6.30 then he sleeps till 8.00am. He gets to bed pretty late , usually at 9.30pm.. now that summer is here and in winter at 9.00pm. Any earlier than that becomes a waste of my and his time. He is saying more and more words.He speaks to me in English and to his Dad in Danish. When hungry he say.. “mummy food, eat”  When I say speak I mean 5 or 6 clear words.. the rest is just baby speak jumbled stuff that as a mother you learn to decode. But there certainly is a lot of progresss. Today for the first time he came into the living room and said “how u mummy” 🙂 He is so grown. He is still not the biggest eater infact he is the thinnest in his  day care class, but not the shortest. At his 2 year check up he was a little under the normal weight gain curve which had me worried. Eating is still a bit of an issue. As long as he does not snack during the day, then he will eat very well. Once he snacks or has sweets.. that is his eating ruined for the day. Big Al keeps saying that his eating genes have not kicked in yet given the way the both of us like to eat.  Did I say he is lovely. God he is beautiful!

My man:

Where to start. Very interesting stuff between us. I’ve told you before that me and him talk a lot. So the other day on a drive to an animal park we got talking about personal development and I was telling him how I had a light bulb moment,( courtsey of some “live your best life” podcast): that tweaking and reevaluating your life is a continous process. There never comes one point where you can say “ah I have fixed this once and for all, never have to look at it again”  One has to keep checking, taking stock, tweaking here and there, straigtening out priorities because things change, time goes by and life is never static.  He laughed and said that is how he felt about money issues. Big Al hates dealing with money issues.

In a perfect world he would only have to deal with going to work earning money and the rest sort out themselves. This worked fine in England, we both worked, I did all the nitty gritty and would just give him papers saying “sign here, sign here and there”. As long as the money he wanted was there, he did not bother with the rest. I on the other hand like to tweak, move, save, do this and that to the money. Funny thing is that he is easy with letting money go and I hoard it. His attitude is “I can always get money” mine is “Hoard all you can cause you never know when you will see it again” Anyway like I said.. it worked perfect in England.. then we moved here  Denmark that is.

and things just went to hell in a handbasket. Suddenly he had to do the tweaking and stuff because of my language deficiency. He has hated every single minute of it. When he finally said this to me in the car I was like “I know.. and I have hated every minute of having to give up that control to you.. but guess what soon I am going to be able to do this on my own”. He says  “can’t be soon enough for me” More and more I am taking control over it. If you think other countries have a confusing tax, pay, banking system, you haven’t been to Denmark.

It got me thinking about how relationships work. There is no one true way. A couple has to find what works for them. My husband hates having to deal with the nitty gritty of money. I love to get my hands deep into it. It works for us. Find what works for you and to hell with what everyone else says.

My career:

Monday is around the corner. That means my exams which means FINALLY FINALLY I am through with this course. Lord I cannot wait! I have gone from not caring whether I pass or fail to “girl you have to pass cause we just don’t do fail”.  I am still to find out if I am to be employed on a permanet basis at my current job ironing clothes. I hate my job, I love earning money at the end of the month. I love the freedom of having just a little bit extra to buy shoes, save some for the house. But I need to get a better job. So with my exams around the corner, I finally relaunched my job hunt. For the record. I ABSOLUTELY HATE HAVING TO LOOK FOR WORK . At 32 I feel and think it is humilating that I still have to be looking for “the right job”. Just this past Friday I was crying about it. Crying tears because a friend said she thinks I have opted to give up. I was hurt and hurt and pissed off. So all I did at work was look at my life and choices and came to the conclusion that I am doing the right thing for me for now and that my plans are on the right track and if that fails.. I get up and try again. But let me tell you this, I am TIRED OF picking myself off my career floor, dusting myself off and trying again. Fuck it all. But I want money. So like I said to Big Al, “new strategy in place…. playing lotto just got added to the mix”. He laughed till he cried. Looked at me and asked me how that is a strategy. I said “i have been doing this career hunt thing for about 7 years and nothing has come up yet.. keep doing same thing and expecting different results = madness. Play lotto = changing strategy doing something new.. watch this space 🙂

My break is almost over gotta hit the books.

see ya

Ugly Beauty

I’ve been wanting to write this post for a long time but I can’t. I cannot do it justice without hurting people left right and center and much as I would love to let it all out I remember that with freedom comes responsibility.

The post was to be about the person who first told me I was ugly and I believed them. It was to be about how the things said to us as young people shape our lives.

I don’t know how I was aware of it or how it came into my sphere of knowledge but from about 7 years of age I knew I was ugly. Ok so maybe ugly is harsh but all the same I knew I was not pretty like other girls. I had serious buck teeth. I still have a large overbite but not as bad thanks to my mother and my dentist of many years. (I never did the railwaytrack things, we couldn’t afford them)

Perhaps it was in standard 1 when the “Urembo squad” girls teamed up and left me and Z out of the group. We were the only two girls not included in a “squad”. There was the rich girls, the pretty girls then there was me and Z. Or perhaps it was in standard 3 when Mrs T was praising all the girls handwritings and when I quickly jotted something down and asked her how mine was she said it was not as good as Urembo Squad girl no.2. And so it went on throughout primary school. I got acne far before my teens, had blemished teeth due to flourosis, was always the tallest girl in my class. I look back and my heart goes out to the girl me, yet in a strange freakish way, it never bogged me down. I was never depressed but I was needy. I clung to the little morsels of friendship from the Urembo Squad girls. Oh I so badly wanted to belong. But Z stood by me and we were always together. I was mean to a certain girl. Let’s call her D. P had joined my class in standard 5 and had decided to be my friend then comes along D and to me it felt like she was trying to take her away from me.. out came the nastiness. I wasn’t directly nasty to her.. but I was sneaky nasty.  God to be in Standard 5.

  Standard 6 was hellish. For a term or two terms, memory fails me, no one talked to me in class because I somehow managed to piss off Queen Bee. I remember going to school not having a fully equiped set and needing to borrow a protractor from the classmate who sat besides me. She refused to let me use hers, while the maths teacher waited for us all to measure our angles. He then walks over to classmate and takes the protractor from her and gives it to me. She had two. Me begging mum to buy me a set cause no one would lend me stuff. Mum refusing cause she had no money and the set she bought in January was to last the whole year! Standard 6 was one hell of a nightmare. OnlyJ would talk to me and that was after school when she would ring me and tell me how in trouble I was with Queen bee. To this day I remember Queen Bee clearly and wonder what I would say to her if I ever meet her.

Back to being ugly. I accepted I was not good looking and that no boy would be interested in me. So when all the girls were having  boy crushes, I was not bothered because boys did not feature in my dreams. The same attitude carried on to high school. I didn’t go for the prom (social) in form 4 and 6 because I figured that it was better not to go than be benched =not being asked for a dance. I stayed behind with the group of “saved girls” who believed proms were immoral. It was a fucked up mess.. the religiousity of my school.

My first kiss was a nice guy. I let him because he was kenyan and cute and was interested. I knew I was not what he wanted, but I was almost 21 and had never been kissed. Then came this West African dude who wanted me and he was a wanted guy sorta.. but he wanted me and that was just unbelievable.. but I did not want him. He did good for my ego cause he got crushed when I turned him down. It was then that I begun to think that maybe maybe I was not so ugly.. cause if West African guy wanted me.. ..hello.. dude wanted to buy me a mobile phone ..those were the days they cost a fortune. To tell the truth, West African dude kinda signed his own dumpee fate. One day when walking in town he says to me in conversatin “You certainly not the prettiest girl I have seen, you’re ok.. I mean I have seen prettier but you’re ok” and I was thinking “idiot.. you’re trying to get in my pants, the least you could say is that I am the prettiest thing you ever did see.. make me feel wanted” dude signed his fate.

Then between kenyan and West AFrican guy was South African dude. Oh baby! God bless K. God bless that man. For those few weeks he where showered me with his attention he did more for my self worth as a  young woman than anyone could in a hundred years. He was GORGEOUS. He was BEAUTIFUL and he WANTED ME yet he had all these beautiful women around him but for those few days and weeks he wanted me. I knew what he wanted from me and was unable to give it up.. but Lord the man was fine. I heard he still is and guess what he remembers me. K  knows an old friend of mine in passing. They bumped into each other a few years back and he was like “hey you know Mrembo.. how is she” so friend of mine whom I hadn’t spoke to in ages cause she had immigrated called me and was like “what the hell did you do to that man that after all these years he still remembers you”….my ego flew!

Every ugly girl deserves a K in thier lives. The man who will show you that you are desirable that you are woman.

I got lost reminiscing. I got smiles just remembering. I kid you not that man was finer than fine.

and I have completely lost track as to why I started this post. K has me smiling.

I think, that like fine wine I have aged beautifully 🙂 or maybe I am fine with who I am now. Big Al is responsible for a lot of that. Just the other day we were talking and I was telling him (seriously) how for a long time I thought he would call it quits. I couldn’t quite accept that he wanted me and that he found me attractive. But he did and he does and more than any of those guys I have mentioned he made me feel special from the very first time I met him and that’s how I kinda knew that he was the one!

Good night

Ugly or beautiful we are all people wanting to be desired and when you find the one.. oh the magic!

(you wouldn’t believe that a few hours ago I raised my voice in anger at my husband for the very first time. That’s what love does. He is the one person that can piss me off without even trying.. but I love  and like him still)

What happy Easter

So far my Easter has sucked. Good friday I got some “YUCK” news from home.. which had me on the phone back and forth with mum trying to sort things out, blowing my phone bill budget to hell. (I am trying to get my foreign calls under control; all this savings and living within your means stuff)

Then Big Al has been working through it all. Big project hand in on Tuesday.. so you can imagine.. no hubby, no help.. just me and baby.

Then baby was misbehaving thursday and friday. Tantrums the works. And not just at home.. but in town.. when I took him to the free park which has semi-wild deer and pigs and other animals. He is 2 years old. He thinks every animal is to be petted like his grandmother’s dog. So he goes off running towards these deers trying to pet them. They start hissing.. I pull him away.. he throws himself of the ground  screaming his protest at being taken away from the animals. All the other kids are perfection.. there I am chasing this 2 year old.. swearing to myself how I am will kill him when we get home.  We lasted less than 15 minutes at that place.. I was like “no way this boy is going to embrass me like this”

🙂

I was in a tiff when we got home. Then he starts acting up. On the way home I was like “Mrembo this is all your fault. You are lax on your discipline and he needs to understand “no” one time and one time only”

So I start enforcing the NO…sweet Jesus.. the tantrum.. wacha tu.. but I was determined to win. it involved me saying no.. him throwing himself on the floor screaming his head off. By the time Big Al showed up both baby and I were drained. So Thursday is gone, Friday whole day spent doing the same.. though I took him to the indoor playground for 2.5hrs.. let him get some steam off. Come back home.. repeat the battle of wills. Then at 9.00pm he spikes a fever, vomiting.

In the meantime I have been in a mood since the phone calls.. .. also in a tiff because hubby aka my best friend is working over Easter and yes I know he has to work and it’s not his fault.. but the irrational part of me is pissed of because.. it’s Easter.. I have 4 days at home.. can we not spend it as a family bonding… noooooo work… I hate work! So yeah.. I’m in a mood.. and he picks on the mood. I deny I am in a mood about his work. Cause what’s the point of burdening him with it. He senses I am pissed, if I acknowledge it.. then he gets into a mood and is zero productive at work.. and things will just get shitty. And he is also feeling guilty about working over Easter cause he KNOWS it’ aint right.. but deadline’s a deadline.I Acknowledge the mood about the phone calls. The phone call mood ended Friday morning..but the work thing.. (work has been an on going “issue” in this house).

then to top it all by end of Friday I have not managed to accomplish a single thing I had drawn up on my “to do Easter Break list” things like “hang up new curtains” “clear out baby’s room” “sort out clothes wardrobe”

Today has been easier baby wise…. cause all morning he was still feverish.. so energy levels were nearing zero levels. There still a lingering mood in the house. I manage 3 hours of alone time in town.. shopping 4 baby shoes, groceries and browsing. I see all the shoes I want and can’t afford.

The day ends well. Baby falls asleep next to me on the couch at 7.15pm. I buy an e-book (was crap), I read some school book chapters, Big Al hangs up the curtain (lots of cursing and muttering involved…me I am in the sitting room away from all of it….)

Crappy EAster.. I k now. Loooking forward to summer break.

I still have Sunday and Monday there’s still time to Easter to redeem itself

Hope you had a great one