A few things about me

Archive for the ‘Me Stuff’ Category

How come?

I don’t like her. Why? Can’t even tell you why. Not that she has done anything to me. Infact she has been nothing but friendly and nice but still I don’t like her. It’s hard to admit this since I consider myself a decent person. I just don’t not like people. But her, something about her rubs me the wrong way, a vibe, an air that she gives off that totally makes me not like her.

Am I jealous of her. That is the only other plausible reason. I try to be nice around her, infact I sought put myself in her space, a weird compulsion, but I do. I guess it is true, instict and all. My first impression of her, the very first time we met was “bitch, stupid and naive”. That was after listening to her, yet the lady who introduced me to her calls her friend. So again I ask

“Mrembo baby, are you jealous? Is it because she has “a seemingly better life, whatever that means. Is it because she seems not to have suffered, or is it her air of entitlement!”

All I know is that I don’t like her and I think my suspcisons of jealousy are the root cause and that totally IRKS me cause I DON’T DO JEALOUSY!

Honest Scrap Awards

 

Ladies and gentlemen, esteemed readers of this blog, I would like to thank you all for reading this blog and for having kept up with me for the past 3 years and 2 or so months. I would espeically like to thank the lovely and forever young Mwari  for having bestowed this honour on me.

The rules:

1. You must brag about the award
2. You must include the name of the blogger who bestowed the award on you and link back to the blogger
3. You must choose a minimum of seven (7) blogs that you find brilliant in content or design. ( ati 7.. I cannot oblige seeing that everyone that I would choose has alread been chosen)…let me think more maybe I will come up with a few
4. Show their names and links and leave a comment informing them that they were prized with Honest Weblog.
5. List at least ten (10) honest things about yourself. Then pass it on

The ten:

  1. I am a borderline addicted to…….I will not teeellll! In a way I kinda understand druggies and alcoholics but because I am ruthlessly cruel with myself and my habit, I am not completely sympathetic. It is tough shit trying to kick a habit and be able to say I kicked that. The longest I have gone has been about 1 year 8 months then bang!  my demons were back with a vengence and I was like.. where the fuck did that come from I had it under control.  Of late, witth regards to my “almost addiction”  I have been in battle mode. It sucks.. it’s part of me, it’s my beast and so I embrace her and say.. “hello darling.. let’s see who will win this one this time round”
  2. I am actually a very happy, cheerful, funny person to be around despite what this blog depicts. I know and have always known that I write most when I am feeling crap, conflicted, down, depressed etc. I have tried more than a hundred times to do posts/ blog when I am in a “good space” and I just cannot do it. The words to not flow and I am not in flow. Negative emotions get my writing to flow.. happy ones .. well…
  3. I am currently reading “The Road Less Travelled” by M. Scott Peck and marvelling at the fact that I did not pick this book up earlier. First time I read it I was about 18/19 and didn’t quite finish it leave alone understand it. As far as self help books go, this is the mother of them all and believe me I have read a gazillion of them (back in the day…these days can’t bring myself to read one).
  4. If I love you, I wil talk about you a lot. As a result my conversations are peppered with Big Al said, Nikh the bandit did this the other.
  5. I have a sock fetish that is not yet fully fulfilled.
  6. This one is for all the ladies who are trying to get babies and it is not happening.  I have already said it here that I need some medical help  to get pregnant. So listen up. If your p’s are irregular and you haven’t been getting pregnant, you need to see a hormone specialist(endocrinologist) and have your hormones checked out. If you need more info contact me and I will give details.  I will still need to get treatment in order to get pregnant again. It’s nothing extreme like fertility treament but at the same time, for me, getting pregnant is not simply a matter of getting laid. (so if you plan on having or want kids and you have the man in tow, you need to get to it pronto.. stop waiting)
  7. My current inspiration in all things weight and fitness is Amy. I have been following her since mid last year. This is what I mean
  8. I am back running after an almost 5 month break. It is so annoying how quickly one looses fitness.
  9. I’m struggling here… oh.. I .. something to do with youth envy.
  10. .. you tell me!

Been trying to upload something.. will it work, will it not.

Time and Dreams

Just finished watching a movie and a lot of the lines in the movie had something to do with life and how one approaches it.  So sitting there watching it, my mind just went off tangent and I had a period of clarity in which I saw and see my life and realise;

  • I have never watched a sunset or sunrise and I think that’s sad.

 

  • I haven’t really been living life. I have been afraid of so many things. Afraid to just live and ride the wave that is my life. All my life I  have  had a plan B C and D and it is exhausting. So in my process of letting go of all my baggage and stuff, I am letting go of this paralysing fear that has been with me for some time. It has decreased in it’s intensity over the last year and more so over the last few months, but there remains some lingering touches and I am letting it all go. So hell with it all. Watch me fly.

 

  • I have been afraid of failure and have never exactly had a measure of what that failure is. In the process of defining what failure is to me I realise it has all been hog wash. So what if I have this education and pedigree and end up living in my mother’s village tending to my chickens, 3 goats and a cow. (that is how I picture my retirement). So what if I never have the best clothes that cost xyz. So what?? As long as I have my husband, my child grows up to be an upstanding moral, honorable man who is happy in life, I will be fine.

 

  • All the things I have thought were crazy to do like learning to ride those speed crazy yamaha motobikes, taking dance lessons, perfecting my swimming, being a bodyguard… they aren’t all crazy and I am going to try them all.

 

  • The best of all is that I can finally embrace my beast. We all have a beast and I guess part of life is learning to embrace her/him. Sometimes the beast wins and we become evil, horrible people. It’s a balancing act and I am learning it’s alright to embrace her, know her, learn her, then control her but once in a while she needs to be unleashed. The ying and yang that makes us human.

 

  • To finish it all, I am alright as I am. I am totally perfect in my imperfection! Go figure

Go ahead and diagnose

I’m scared.

For the past week I have had this strange sensation at the bottom of my big toe. It feels like there is something crawling on the bottom of my toe. Then there’s the feeling like it got burned but is now healing. Very strange. It is not numbness or tingling.. just like something is crawling on me and I have to brush it off and scratch it. 

The feeling is now on and off on my palms and other foot.  I thought it would pass. Now I have to go see the doc.

I really do not want this to be serious. I am leaning towards diabetes but thinking.. nah ah! I can,t be diabetic. I ain’t fat. Had some tests a few weeks ago and doc said I am as normal as can be. What the heck can this be. Tomorrow’s a public holiday so can’t see the do til monday.

ugh!

 

oh and I just looked at my draft box and I have 6 posts in there that have yet to see the light of day.  They suck. delete

Brilliance

I hate living in a flat. I cannot wait for when we finally get our own little house. My son can then scream, play, sing, dance and shout as much as he wants withoug me being bothered about disturbing the sleeping neighbours. He woke up early today, so we have started our Saturday earlier than I would have liked, but that’s ok. Gives me the chance to say what I have been wanting to say.

This is the post that I owe.

About two weeks ago when I wrote the post “That that I owe” I was still engaged in mental warfare. Trying to find peace in my soul. Being positive and wondering why the hell it took so much energy to stay positive focused and happy. Then I blogged, you all responded and I went away to ponder what you had all said. I was slightly pissed. My thought was “yeah yeah whatever.. that’s what they think but that’s not the reality for me”.

Trying to be peaceful had been a struggle every day. The constant pep talks I gave myself. “stay positive, stay focused, it will happen, confess positively.. and the most embrassing part.. I became religious (this topic is a post on its own.. coming to a blog near you).

Come Wednesday night two weeks ago. I had returned from school and was catching up on some reading. My husband sat across me doing some work on his laptop. I begun to talk.  Giving voice to my troubled state of mind.  Some time back he had asked me to watch Steve Jobs speech to Standford’s graduating students (available on youtube). We had discussed the speech and during the course of the discussion he had said

“I think that one day, somebody who has failed (who isn’t a 220 shining bulb) should give the speech. Tell the kids what that is like”

Mrembo: Yeah, someone like me.. but here is the thing, what would be the point of it. It has to have a message”

We volleyed back and forth and let it go in laughter cause we could not come up with a positive spin on the “When you fail, When you don’t succeed” speech.

That was what was on my mind when I was talking to him that Wednesday. I then brought up two anecdotes from stuff I had read recently. One  was an interview with the actor who plays Sawyer on “Lost” and another by Oprah.. about how she got the part Sophia in “The Color purple”. My intention at that point was to show my husband that sometimes one also has to know when to call it quits. When to say “you know what, I have tried at this and it has failed. I have given it my all and it has come to nothing. This is it. It’s over, goodbye.. I am not sailing this boat anymore” He begun to disagree with me. We discussed it, dissected it. I wanted him to see it for himself. I did not want it to be me to show him what it is I was getting to. FINALLY he saw it. Finally he saw it.

Sawyer from Lost says that before he got that part, he had been in hollywood 10+ chasing the movie star dream. Nothing had happened in the 10years plus so he told his wife that he was giving it all up and going to get his real-estate license. 4 days after that decision he got the part for Sawyer. Oprah said she wanted to play Sophia so bad. Went for audition, didn’t get the call. Disappointed, crying.. she “surrended” (her words not mine) the dream. A few minutes later she got the call.

2 Wednesdays ago.. I let it all go and boy the peace. The peace!! I am done fighting, struggling. I am not deluding myself and saying.. oh a phone call on it’s way. I am done. It’s all right if somethings do not happen. I am doing my bit. No longer am I chasing the dream.  If that is how hard it was meant to be.. I am not playing cause it was sucking the life joy out of me.

As a result I just feel so much calmer and peaceful and content and happy. I still have dreams but they are no longer do or die situations. I want a house. I want to own a house and I know without a doubt in my mind I will own a house and not in the sunset years of my life.. but at a time when I can enjoy it. We are doing what we have to do to get it.. but not longer is it something that stresses me.

Don’t know if you get what I am saying. But that is how I feel.

With refrence to the Mandela Speech by Miram Willamson “We are greater beyond our wildest dreams”.. to that and all the “you are star” self help quotes etc etc. There is an element of truth in them. But there is also the truth that we can’t all be “Generals” some people are meant to be footsoilders and there is nothing wrong with that. One just has to know where and who they are and shine where they are at.

Some of you may read this and think.. she plain out has failed. That’s ok.

Bottom line is.. I am  GENUIENLY calmer and happier than I have been in a long time and this time, I think I have a handle on the real thing.

peace

That that I owe!

I promised to blog about my self esteem and confidence in relation to my current job and having been jobless.

My career is a very hot sensitive topic in my house. Big Al always approaches with caution, whether he brings up the topic or I do. Why? Because I always always end up in tears and a MOOD!

It’s 6 mins to 2.00pm whereafter I switch off my computer, buzz around the house like a bee doing house work before I go pick the baby at 3.00pm.

I cannot do the post justice and I am not to sure if I want to digout the feelings or discuss them. It’s too close to the heart and there is a tendency for me to come out as self pitying and negative which is currently and has been for sometime.. very far from the truth of me.

What I will say though is this : I think I have lost my ability to believe in the validity my dreams and believe in the rightness of my choices. The Mrembo who used to be very sure of certain things , she who was fearless in her dreams and choices is gone, gone for good and in her place stands a Mrembo who is “less in a hurry”, less steady on her feet.. but moving along.. quieter in spirit and soul”. Sometimes I feel like a very bright bulb switched off  (a false bulb perhaps) and in its place a gently glowing bulb.. that is glowing but has not yet reached its full brilliance. And all around me a these 220 watts shining bulbs.

So there is a hope, a flame….but that old burning bright fire.. that’s gone and I am not sure I am all too sad about that. I miss my daring dreams, my defiant ambitions. I do miss that certainty about things.. don’t know if this is part of growing up.. or it is just part of having lost and  trying to regain..

Like I said.. I am ok with things now.. I have hope.. but not stupid hope. IN the meanwhile I reach out and take what is infront of me.

See I told you the propensity to sound broken, down and out.. is always around when I have to talk about it.

This will have to do for now.. until I gather myself better!

Running 10 mins behind schedule!

I Testify

I promised I would          testify. Read on.

One day, I got on my knees (figurativley) and prayed.  I asked for a number of things and promised that if those things came through, I would testify to God’s greatness.

Last week I was on the bus to town. As I got off I noticed an African lady with braids that could only have been done in Kenya or Uganda. So I decided I would  say hi. She was ahead of me.. walking really quick. I hurried, caught up and proceeded to introduce myself.  Her english was broken but good enough to carry out a conversation. I asked where she was from, she said Kenya so we switched to swahili. She was on her way to work. I asked where, she told me. I asked if they were looking for people, she said yes and told me to drop of my CV. Later in the day she called me and warned me not to mention her name.

The next day I called and was told that all I had to do was go down and fill some forms. That I did.  I was told they were not looking for any people but they would hold on to my CV. Saturday I got a letter inviting me to an interview.  I begin work on Wednesday. A day from today.

I am  🙂  😀  God has delivered. Added to that, I got the confirmation that I can start my ka-parttiime course IN DANISH on 4th Feb.

My testimony is this: He works. He delivers. You just have to hold up your part of the deal!

3 hours later…….
ok, ok, ok! my nagging conscious won’t let me go without me saying this.

Deep breath…. my job..or rather my ka-job is a …. deep breath… BLUE COLLAR JOB!  there I said it!

I am so ashamed to admit that after the euphoria of being offered the job on the spot, my spirits deflated. I was like.. ..

“ok.. so this is it God! Thank you for the job! but.. but … but…ok…. so maybe this is my period of humility and stuff… I am grateful but …. and I don’t want to be grateful with a but…. I want to be saying thank You with all the gladness in my heart”

And no.. I have not only been applying for blue collar work. My approach has been two pronged. I have sent apps for the kind of work I want and to the blue collar ones. (I am still debating on whether or not to tell my dad about my job… if you think I have hangups about blue collar work… you ain’t yet met daddy dearest!) And yes, this is a reflection of my hangups on status, education, selfworth and work.

I won’t lie.. I had to have a little one-on-one with God after I got home.

It’s now 5 hours since I got the good news and about 3hrs since I had my one-on-one with God and I am fine and VERY GRATEFUL.

I felt that I had to acknowledge all of these feelings here otherwise the post would not have been authentic… and you all know I am trying my best to be the best person I can be… that means being authentic and all.

One thing remains though…. God is Good!

its been long

Its almost one month since I was last here. I cannot blame time… as in a lack of it, nor can I point to a writer’s block… nah, nothing like that. I have just been missing in action as one sometimes does.

The last time I wrote, promised to be back with my weight loss story.  I have lost a whole total of 1.2kgs :0 . I am kinda of pleased with that given that I had stopped putting in serious effort after two weeks.  In those two weeks I got serious about eating small portion sizes and working out and I reached my goal weight of 79kgs. Then I got relaxed and lazy so I have stablised at about 81.5 down from 83.6kgs. (that 83 almost killed me when I saw it)

Otherwise I am fine, not doing much. School is almost out. I finished my written exams and I’m waiting for my oral exams. Please do not equate these exams with anything like doing your degree or A’levels. Nothing like that at all. However the exam is important to ME because it signifies the END of something that I started and the LAUNCH PAD to something new.

The economy is officially in recession and I could not help but think… (and it is in this job market that you are looking for a job). The good news is that I found a mentor and we have been working on my job issues. I know exactly what I want to do and so things are looking up for me. I really do feel very positive of my future despite the recession yada yada yada.

My boy is growing and developing more of a character. He is very sweet, kind, loving and funny.  The loving thing is so cute. There is this little girl at his day care, of whom the carers have told me on many occassion, that babyboy and her are best friends.  So today I dropped him off. When he saw her, he run straight to her and they hugged and smiled.. then each went his own way. It’s the cutest thing to see. On the flip side… woi woi woi! He has a temper that is splendid to witness when unleased. Patience is not his strongest suit either. He will be playing with his toys or whatever and if it does not go where he wants it to, or fit where he needs it to fit.. you will see something flying in the air while he proceeds to stump his feet, let out an impatient shriek, scream or shout.. then move on to the next think. Tickles me pink when I witness it and at the same time scares me. How do I help him tame that???

That’s all from me.

PS: House work is BORING AS HELL!

To be or not to be FAT!!

ayayayaya!!!!

I have been watching some scary stuff on youtube. Will get to that in a bit

Its no news that I am trying struggling to loose 5/6kgs.

I have been jogging and later on running since July 2008 and I have not lost even one kilo 😦 the other day I read in Runners World Magazine that running and weight management are two totally different things… no shit! Boy am I learning that! My running time on my routes has decreased. My speed is up. I now run about 98% of the distance. As in; I do not stop to walk. I run or slow down to a jog. Ok so that is some good news because it means I have reached some personal goals. I am now working on increasing the distances. I have about 4 different running routes all about the same distance. I just have to increase the distance. So yeah, good news on that front.

Bad news is that there is no weight loss. As a result I have now added TAEBO on my non running days. I have loads of Taebo tapes/DVDs that I have been collecting through the years. Apart from novels I tend to buy work out DVDs and work out and recipe books. I have all sorts of work out books in the house.

Anyway the scary stuff I was watching on youtube was about the side effects of gastric bypass. Salalala. Those people suffer. You get to loose all the weight but the payoff is some serious health issues such as vitamin b12 deficiency, vitamin D and C deficiency, anemia, sijui what what.. all due to the fact that you have a decreased stomach hence malabsorption of nutirients.  There was a chick talking about the side effects … scary scary stuff. And NOPE I am not thinking about surgery. I saw her video and then kinda got clicking on other videos and end up at the house of horrors regarding gastric surgery.

On to my weight loss woes. I am dragging myself kicking and screaming into the world of calorie counting. I think that is the only way out. Gone are the days I could eat whatever and rely on my workouts to keep my weight in check. Fact of the matter is that I am eating way much more that I am burning. My ka-strategy of sight-portion-control is not working. So time to switch that up. I need to get to eating like 1500calories a day.

So I am off to planning that.. and will update once I start loosing the weight. Right now I am holding my weight steady between 81kgs and 83kgs… and before  exclaim at those numbers remember I stand at 5feet 10.5inches. My personal ideal weight is 75kgs.  My pre-pregnancy weight was 77kgs and that is what I am aiming for.

So right now I have set a goal to get down to 80kgs by Nov 25th. (why 25th.. I have an appointment at the docs for unrelated matters and I will be using the scale there) By Jan 1st 2009 I want to be at 77kgs. (how I will achieve that … God help me. During Dec I attend the following parties: my birthday, my brother-in-laws, my mother-in-Laws birthday, x-mas dinner and new year dinner and right after that hubby’s b-day)

Wish me luck.

The other day I was doing Taebo and noticed that I carry most of my weight in my stomach.

PS: Taebo abs and tums totally kicks ass! Totally.

Hair Woes and Weighty Matters

It’s that time of the year again. My hair is in need of a fix. The other day I was sorely sorely tempted to relax it.  Luckily salvation arrived in the form of common sense. Relaxer and me just don’t gel anymore. I recalled the feeling I had the last time I relaxed it and opted to pass . That being the case I am still left with a head of nappy, dry longish hair that is driving me crazy. It is about to dread cause I have braids that are t….h…i….s….. old and need to come off. Ah, If only I had money! (it all comes back to money!)

On to weighty matters. I have put on 6 KILOS since June 2008. June 15ish, give or take 7 days, I stopped breastfeeding and hello new weight! Unfrigging believable.  So I started jogging! I was happy doing my jog.  Then  I saw this and realised that I had just been fooling around. Since then I have been running. It is glorious to run. It’s hell on the body the first few times. I can run 2.8km without stopping to walk. I  run then jog, then run, then jog.. more running than jogging. I am soo hot.!

Anyway so I thought the weight would start dropping, wapi! just lost 1 kilo. Then I read that running and weight management are two separate things. I am a pretty active person so activity was not the issue. So on to the next step. Calorie control. All my life I have avoided this. There is truth in the saying, the older you get, the harder it gets. So now I am watching the calories. Nothing specific.. just watching the amount I eat. No more endless snacking through the day. No second servings at dinner. It’s kinda working.. till the weekend rolls in and its like GAME OVER!!

So 5 more kilos to go and and new hair do coming up before the end of the year! Wish me luck!