A few things about me

Archive for the ‘Me Stuff’ Category

Brilliance

I hate living in a flat. I cannot wait for when we finally get our own little house. My son can then scream, play, sing, dance and shout as much as he wants withoug me being bothered about disturbing the sleeping neighbours. He woke up early today, so we have started our Saturday earlier than I would have liked, but that’s ok. Gives me the chance to say what I have been wanting to say.

This is the post that I owe.

About two weeks ago when I wrote the post “That that I owe” I was still engaged in mental warfare. Trying to find peace in my soul. Being positive and wondering why the hell it took so much energy to stay positive focused and happy. Then I blogged, you all responded and I went away to ponder what you had all said. I was slightly pissed. My thought was “yeah yeah whatever.. that’s what they think but that’s not the reality for me”.

Trying to be peaceful had been a struggle every day. The constant pep talks I gave myself. “stay positive, stay focused, it will happen, confess positively.. and the most embrassing part.. I became religious (this topic is a post on its own.. coming to a blog near you).

Come Wednesday night two weeks ago. I had returned from school and was catching up on some reading. My husband sat across me doing some work on his laptop. I begun to talk.  Giving voice to my troubled state of mind.  Some time back he had asked me to watch Steve Jobs speech to Standford’s graduating students (available on youtube). We had discussed the speech and during the course of the discussion he had said

“I think that one day, somebody who has failed (who isn’t a 220 shining bulb) should give the speech. Tell the kids what that is like”

Mrembo: Yeah, someone like me.. but here is the thing, what would be the point of it. It has to have a message”

We volleyed back and forth and let it go in laughter cause we could not come up with a positive spin on the “When you fail, When you don’t succeed” speech.

That was what was on my mind when I was talking to him that Wednesday. I then brought up two anecdotes from stuff I had read recently. One  was an interview with the actor who plays Sawyer on “Lost” and another by Oprah.. about how she got the part Sophia in “The Color purple”. My intention at that point was to show my husband that sometimes one also has to know when to call it quits. When to say “you know what, I have tried at this and it has failed. I have given it my all and it has come to nothing. This is it. It’s over, goodbye.. I am not sailing this boat anymore” He begun to disagree with me. We discussed it, dissected it. I wanted him to see it for himself. I did not want it to be me to show him what it is I was getting to. FINALLY he saw it. Finally he saw it.

Sawyer from Lost says that before he got that part, he had been in hollywood 10+ chasing the movie star dream. Nothing had happened in the 10years plus so he told his wife that he was giving it all up and going to get his real-estate license. 4 days after that decision he got the part for Sawyer. Oprah said she wanted to play Sophia so bad. Went for audition, didn’t get the call. Disappointed, crying.. she “surrended” (her words not mine) the dream. A few minutes later she got the call.

2 Wednesdays ago.. I let it all go and boy the peace. The peace!! I am done fighting, struggling. I am not deluding myself and saying.. oh a phone call on it’s way. I am done. It’s all right if somethings do not happen. I am doing my bit. No longer am I chasing the dream.  If that is how hard it was meant to be.. I am not playing cause it was sucking the life joy out of me.

As a result I just feel so much calmer and peaceful and content and happy. I still have dreams but they are no longer do or die situations. I want a house. I want to own a house and I know without a doubt in my mind I will own a house and not in the sunset years of my life.. but at a time when I can enjoy it. We are doing what we have to do to get it.. but not longer is it something that stresses me.

Don’t know if you get what I am saying. But that is how I feel.

With refrence to the Mandela Speech by Miram Willamson “We are greater beyond our wildest dreams”.. to that and all the “you are star” self help quotes etc etc. There is an element of truth in them. But there is also the truth that we can’t all be “Generals” some people are meant to be footsoilders and there is nothing wrong with that. One just has to know where and who they are and shine where they are at.

Some of you may read this and think.. she plain out has failed. That’s ok.

Bottom line is.. I am  GENUIENLY calmer and happier than I have been in a long time and this time, I think I have a handle on the real thing.

peace

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That that I owe!

I promised to blog about my self esteem and confidence in relation to my current job and having been jobless.

My career is a very hot sensitive topic in my house. Big Al always approaches with caution, whether he brings up the topic or I do. Why? Because I always always end up in tears and a MOOD!

It’s 6 mins to 2.00pm whereafter I switch off my computer, buzz around the house like a bee doing house work before I go pick the baby at 3.00pm.

I cannot do the post justice and I am not to sure if I want to digout the feelings or discuss them. It’s too close to the heart and there is a tendency for me to come out as self pitying and negative which is currently and has been for sometime.. very far from the truth of me.

What I will say though is this : I think I have lost my ability to believe in the validity my dreams and believe in the rightness of my choices. The Mrembo who used to be very sure of certain things , she who was fearless in her dreams and choices is gone, gone for good and in her place stands a Mrembo who is “less in a hurry”, less steady on her feet.. but moving along.. quieter in spirit and soul”. Sometimes I feel like a very bright bulb switched off  (a false bulb perhaps) and in its place a gently glowing bulb.. that is glowing but has not yet reached its full brilliance. And all around me a these 220 watts shining bulbs.

So there is a hope, a flame….but that old burning bright fire.. that’s gone and I am not sure I am all too sad about that. I miss my daring dreams, my defiant ambitions. I do miss that certainty about things.. don’t know if this is part of growing up.. or it is just part of having lost and  trying to regain..

Like I said.. I am ok with things now.. I have hope.. but not stupid hope. IN the meanwhile I reach out and take what is infront of me.

See I told you the propensity to sound broken, down and out.. is always around when I have to talk about it.

This will have to do for now.. until I gather myself better!

Running 10 mins behind schedule!

I Testify

I promised I would          testify. Read on.

One day, I got on my knees (figurativley) and prayed.  I asked for a number of things and promised that if those things came through, I would testify to God’s greatness.

Last week I was on the bus to town. As I got off I noticed an African lady with braids that could only have been done in Kenya or Uganda. So I decided I would  say hi. She was ahead of me.. walking really quick. I hurried, caught up and proceeded to introduce myself.  Her english was broken but good enough to carry out a conversation. I asked where she was from, she said Kenya so we switched to swahili. She was on her way to work. I asked where, she told me. I asked if they were looking for people, she said yes and told me to drop of my CV. Later in the day she called me and warned me not to mention her name.

The next day I called and was told that all I had to do was go down and fill some forms. That I did.  I was told they were not looking for any people but they would hold on to my CV. Saturday I got a letter inviting me to an interview.  I begin work on Wednesday. A day from today.

I am  🙂  😀  God has delivered. Added to that, I got the confirmation that I can start my ka-parttiime course IN DANISH on 4th Feb.

My testimony is this: He works. He delivers. You just have to hold up your part of the deal!

3 hours later…….
ok, ok, ok! my nagging conscious won’t let me go without me saying this.

Deep breath…. my job..or rather my ka-job is a …. deep breath… BLUE COLLAR JOB!  there I said it!

I am so ashamed to admit that after the euphoria of being offered the job on the spot, my spirits deflated. I was like.. ..

“ok.. so this is it God! Thank you for the job! but.. but … but…ok…. so maybe this is my period of humility and stuff… I am grateful but …. and I don’t want to be grateful with a but…. I want to be saying thank You with all the gladness in my heart”

And no.. I have not only been applying for blue collar work. My approach has been two pronged. I have sent apps for the kind of work I want and to the blue collar ones. (I am still debating on whether or not to tell my dad about my job… if you think I have hangups about blue collar work… you ain’t yet met daddy dearest!) And yes, this is a reflection of my hangups on status, education, selfworth and work.

I won’t lie.. I had to have a little one-on-one with God after I got home.

It’s now 5 hours since I got the good news and about 3hrs since I had my one-on-one with God and I am fine and VERY GRATEFUL.

I felt that I had to acknowledge all of these feelings here otherwise the post would not have been authentic… and you all know I am trying my best to be the best person I can be… that means being authentic and all.

One thing remains though…. God is Good!

its been long

Its almost one month since I was last here. I cannot blame time… as in a lack of it, nor can I point to a writer’s block… nah, nothing like that. I have just been missing in action as one sometimes does.

The last time I wrote, promised to be back with my weight loss story.  I have lost a whole total of 1.2kgs :0 . I am kinda of pleased with that given that I had stopped putting in serious effort after two weeks.  In those two weeks I got serious about eating small portion sizes and working out and I reached my goal weight of 79kgs. Then I got relaxed and lazy so I have stablised at about 81.5 down from 83.6kgs. (that 83 almost killed me when I saw it)

Otherwise I am fine, not doing much. School is almost out. I finished my written exams and I’m waiting for my oral exams. Please do not equate these exams with anything like doing your degree or A’levels. Nothing like that at all. However the exam is important to ME because it signifies the END of something that I started and the LAUNCH PAD to something new.

The economy is officially in recession and I could not help but think… (and it is in this job market that you are looking for a job). The good news is that I found a mentor and we have been working on my job issues. I know exactly what I want to do and so things are looking up for me. I really do feel very positive of my future despite the recession yada yada yada.

My boy is growing and developing more of a character. He is very sweet, kind, loving and funny.  The loving thing is so cute. There is this little girl at his day care, of whom the carers have told me on many occassion, that babyboy and her are best friends.  So today I dropped him off. When he saw her, he run straight to her and they hugged and smiled.. then each went his own way. It’s the cutest thing to see. On the flip side… woi woi woi! He has a temper that is splendid to witness when unleased. Patience is not his strongest suit either. He will be playing with his toys or whatever and if it does not go where he wants it to, or fit where he needs it to fit.. you will see something flying in the air while he proceeds to stump his feet, let out an impatient shriek, scream or shout.. then move on to the next think. Tickles me pink when I witness it and at the same time scares me. How do I help him tame that???

That’s all from me.

PS: House work is BORING AS HELL!

To be or not to be FAT!!

ayayayaya!!!!

I have been watching some scary stuff on youtube. Will get to that in a bit

Its no news that I am trying struggling to loose 5/6kgs.

I have been jogging and later on running since July 2008 and I have not lost even one kilo 😦 the other day I read in Runners World Magazine that running and weight management are two totally different things… no shit! Boy am I learning that! My running time on my routes has decreased. My speed is up. I now run about 98% of the distance. As in; I do not stop to walk. I run or slow down to a jog. Ok so that is some good news because it means I have reached some personal goals. I am now working on increasing the distances. I have about 4 different running routes all about the same distance. I just have to increase the distance. So yeah, good news on that front.

Bad news is that there is no weight loss. As a result I have now added TAEBO on my non running days. I have loads of Taebo tapes/DVDs that I have been collecting through the years. Apart from novels I tend to buy work out DVDs and work out and recipe books. I have all sorts of work out books in the house.

Anyway the scary stuff I was watching on youtube was about the side effects of gastric bypass. Salalala. Those people suffer. You get to loose all the weight but the payoff is some serious health issues such as vitamin b12 deficiency, vitamin D and C deficiency, anemia, sijui what what.. all due to the fact that you have a decreased stomach hence malabsorption of nutirients.  There was a chick talking about the side effects … scary scary stuff. And NOPE I am not thinking about surgery. I saw her video and then kinda got clicking on other videos and end up at the house of horrors regarding gastric surgery.

On to my weight loss woes. I am dragging myself kicking and screaming into the world of calorie counting. I think that is the only way out. Gone are the days I could eat whatever and rely on my workouts to keep my weight in check. Fact of the matter is that I am eating way much more that I am burning. My ka-strategy of sight-portion-control is not working. So time to switch that up. I need to get to eating like 1500calories a day.

So I am off to planning that.. and will update once I start loosing the weight. Right now I am holding my weight steady between 81kgs and 83kgs… and before  exclaim at those numbers remember I stand at 5feet 10.5inches. My personal ideal weight is 75kgs.  My pre-pregnancy weight was 77kgs and that is what I am aiming for.

So right now I have set a goal to get down to 80kgs by Nov 25th. (why 25th.. I have an appointment at the docs for unrelated matters and I will be using the scale there) By Jan 1st 2009 I want to be at 77kgs. (how I will achieve that … God help me. During Dec I attend the following parties: my birthday, my brother-in-laws, my mother-in-Laws birthday, x-mas dinner and new year dinner and right after that hubby’s b-day)

Wish me luck.

The other day I was doing Taebo and noticed that I carry most of my weight in my stomach.

PS: Taebo abs and tums totally kicks ass! Totally.

Hair Woes and Weighty Matters

It’s that time of the year again. My hair is in need of a fix. The other day I was sorely sorely tempted to relax it.  Luckily salvation arrived in the form of common sense. Relaxer and me just don’t gel anymore. I recalled the feeling I had the last time I relaxed it and opted to pass . That being the case I am still left with a head of nappy, dry longish hair that is driving me crazy. It is about to dread cause I have braids that are t….h…i….s….. old and need to come off. Ah, If only I had money! (it all comes back to money!)

On to weighty matters. I have put on 6 KILOS since June 2008. June 15ish, give or take 7 days, I stopped breastfeeding and hello new weight! Unfrigging believable.  So I started jogging! I was happy doing my jog.  Then  I saw this and realised that I had just been fooling around. Since then I have been running. It is glorious to run. It’s hell on the body the first few times. I can run 2.8km without stopping to walk. I  run then jog, then run, then jog.. more running than jogging. I am soo hot.!

Anyway so I thought the weight would start dropping, wapi! just lost 1 kilo. Then I read that running and weight management are two separate things. I am a pretty active person so activity was not the issue. So on to the next step. Calorie control. All my life I have avoided this. There is truth in the saying, the older you get, the harder it gets. So now I am watching the calories. Nothing specific.. just watching the amount I eat. No more endless snacking through the day. No second servings at dinner. It’s kinda working.. till the weekend rolls in and its like GAME OVER!!

So 5 more kilos to go and and new hair do coming up before the end of the year! Wish me luck!

Personal Growth

The past two or so weeks have been weeks of a lot of personal awareness and growth. The kind that I could quiet frankly do without but grateful that I am learning because …”such is life”.

I have learned that;

  • I have an annoying terrible sense of expectation and sense of “I deserve abc” attitude.
  • Piggy backing on the above is my unwillingness to apply myself i.e. work hard. I do not like to put in the required effort that is needed reap the benefits of the things I want. I want to get what I want without too much hard work and without sacrifice. Case in point. I want to lose weight and still eat what I want to eat anytime I want to eat. I want the body without the effort. Yet I know that for me, (unlike some people I know) effort is required. I have to feel the pain, embrace the hunger if I want the body I want. But..nooo.. not Ms Mrembo. I want it easy. Where in the world did I develop this attitude?
  • I have become very good at making up excuses to myself for myself. “I am too tired”. “Just another break here”. “it was never meant to be” all the while excusing myself from working hard because I just don’t feel like and because I think that “since I have been a generally good person, I deserve to get what I want. Even Big Al has noticed. I used to accuse him of this (yup he was guilty of it kabisa) These days he tells me I have picked up all his bad habits. Nothing is ever my fault. Me? admit I am wrong…heh! I was never this bad.. actually I was, I just never knew. I thought I had learned this lesson and applied it. I think I had in certain areas, but in certain areas I am still lacking. Case in point. After 2 years in Denmark and 1year 6 months of supervised classes in Danish I still suck at grammar. Why! Because when it was first pointed out to me, I did not take it serious and do what needed to be done. I tried, but it was not on my list of priorities. Now I am paying the price. I sit the exam in November. My grammar sucks for my level. Hence I have been working day in day out doing grammar. How do you practice grammar. You write sentences and get them corrected. (Theres nothing like trying to write a composition on an easy topic and getting stumped on the very first word of your composition … that’s writing in a new language for you). So here is me getting pissed because now I have to work hard and I don’t want to because it’s cramping my style and free time and because it’s hard. Plain simple hard!
  • And finally, attached to all this is a sneaky sense of laziness. Today that thing has bitten me in the ass so hard that there was no escaping the glaring truth about this aspect of me. I was so pissed off at myself and pissed off that I was looking for someone, something to blame and there was no one or anything because it was all my fault simply because I was not willing to make the effort. Let me elaborate. Parking a car in this town is not free ok it sorta is..for two hours it is.. in certain places. I have already been ticketed once before because I was parked in a place longer than I should have. The first time it did not bother me so much because I had driven around looking for a free place and thought that the spot had unlimited parking time. The fact that I made the diligent effort to seek out a “free parking” zone lessened the bite of the fine.. which in case you are wondering is DKK510.00 to be exact. That is usually the amount I use for our weeks shopping. Anyway, today, I parked the car at 8.00am in a 2hr parking spot. Every car in Denmark has a little sticker clock thing. When you park your car in these zones you adjust the time to show what time you parked the car. At 10.00am, I usually go and change the time to 10.00am. Ideally I should move the car, but I was told it is enough to do so.
  • So today I am chatting to classmates during break. I remember I have to change the time. I talk myself out of it. I continue chatting because I am having a good time. Break is over. I get back to my seat. School is out. I go to the car and voila! Parking ticket! I was so f…ing pissed! yani.. It would not be so painful if I was working or if I had genuinely forgotten. Noooo…. Ms Mrembo had to talk! See what I mean about being lazy and lacking disciple. Now I am paying the price and it pinches cause this month things are tight with us budgeting and all.

I could go on and on with one example after another. These realities were brought home after a lot of introspection brought on by a bunch of disappointments in the past 2 weeks. But I see it now. I know what it’s all about and I am trying to embrace it all. I GET IT!

So that’s me for now. I am hoping that, in December, if and when I do read this, I will be able to see growth in these areas of my life. I have set out a number of things all related to these issues that I want to have achieved by December. If I have achieved them, then I know that I have learned this lessons, applied them and passed with flying colors. If not. I am going to have to repeat “personal growth class 101” and that is something I am not willing to do. I do not repeat class.

Tosha gari.