A few things about me

Archive for the ‘of men and women’ Category

On my mind

Now more than ever I have been thinking about contraception. The coming baby is my last. Full stop. No comma, no dash. The one thing that guarantees 100% no pregnancy is abstinence. Show me a happily married abstaining couple and I will show you a couple who is getting it on the side without the other’s knowledge.

The pill has never had my vote. I have no idea what sex my baby is and part of me is hoping it is a boy because one of the things I keep thinking is.. “what will I say to her when it comes to contraception, cause I sure as hell  am not putting her on the pill” I don’t care how ignorant that sounds but like I said.. the pill never got my vote, so there. The other thing  about having a girl is that I don’t want to learn how to do hair 🙂 I am  shallow like that! Hubby would like a girl cause he says it would balance out .. what ever that means, but also says that when it comes to a girl we have to worry about many penises while with a boy we just have to worry about one penis 🙂

Alas I digress back to the topic at hand.

Any hormonal stuff is out of the question.

Condom…. eh not an option

The non-hormonal coil/IUD worked for me, but like all other methods nothing is 100% full proof. I personally know a lady who had baby number 4 after 9 years cause the damn coil had moved. 4 months into her pregnancy is when she found out. She was 39 last year when the baby was born. One of those shocks life delievers and you are left thinking eh??

Two options left.. his snipping as in a vasectomy or my snipping as in sterilatzation. In all honesty I had never consider these seriously till I was talking to  friend A about it. She brought it up saying she had/was seriously considering it. In my ignorance I said that there were side effects after female sterilzation as far as I had heard, but would read up on it. Off I went to the net and  have been reading rather extensively on it, looking for forums where I can read of folks experience. Thus far everything is pointing towards this being my  choice of contraception/pregnancy prevention.. but a funny thing has been happening.

I find myself thinking about the FINALITY of sterilization. As in there is no reversing the process and it is sorta scary. Yet at the same time I am saying to myself “are you crazy, you don’t even want child number 3 so what is the problem here, get it done and over with”

So I talked to Big Al about a vasectomy as an option and he smiled that smile of his and nodded his head in that way which said..” you have got to be out of your f…ing mind if you think I am about to snip snap anything! 🙂 On a serious note he said he would think about it since he had never really thought about it. Then I realised that I had didn’t really know how many children he wanted and was he finished with the whole daddy thing, so I popped the question.  And true to himself he asked why I was asking. I told him about this post. His answer was that he was definitely finished having kids. Two is the perfect number for him. I reminded him he is only 31 still a very young man. His response. “Two is all I need and I am done”

Thing is I understand where he is coming from cause I have the same hesitation and I cannot even explain it. In no way am I habouring the desire for a third child. I am more than grateful for my one and the one on the way. The thought of another one is just scary. I am 33 years going on 34 at the end of the year.

So for now I am just sorta there still haven’t made up my mind. I can still use the coil method, but at the back of my mind is that niggling thought “it can fall out, it can move, it can be put incorrectly, it is not 100% pregnancy proof”. So what to do.

There is still time to make up my mind.   No rush for now.

PS. This baby better come soon, I am bored out of my mind being at home. I need something to keep me occupied and I promise, no whining when I get only 3 hours of sleep. Now I know for sure that it is only for a season 🙂

Have a fabulous day. I intend to.

The Kenyan/Ugandan man

NB: for ease of writing purposes everytime I refer to “man” or “men” I will be refering to Kenyan or Ugandan men unless otherwise specified.

Me I don’t know!

If you are Kenyan you understand that expression and can imagine the intonation that accompanies it. 

Me I just don’t know when it comes to men.

Not a word of a lie when I say that in the whole 6 weeks that I was in Kenya or in Uganda, I did not hear A SINGLE POSITIVE statement, comment, word or story about men from the women I was talking to. NOT A WORD. I do not know if that is testament to quality of my friends and women I was around or just plain bad luck. Me I don’t know. I will tell you this thought, after 4 weeks of hearing that men are dogs, lying cheating and useless creations I had had enough and dared to pose the the question to my elders i.e. my mum and her sister. “Are there any good men here” (refering to Kenyan men). Even the last week I was in Nairobi, the Nation paper was running a series on relationships etc after having conducted a survey of 12oo couples from all ..is it 8 provinces of kenya, all religious backgrounds etc. The results were dismal. Very few of them were happy if my memory serves me right.

So here is my question to the few men that read this blog “what’s up guys”? for real. “What’s the deal with all the skirt chasing. What are you all looking for in the different holes you keep poking your thingy into?” I am not even trying to be funny here. After the third hole don’t you get it that whatever you are looking for is not about fucking.  By a certain age (don’t ask me what age that is) surely you should have figured out that bedhopping is but temporary pleasure, after that you still have to face yourself and your demons or whatever it is you be looking for.

I know that there are good men out there. There has to be. I refuse to believe that all men are what I heard.

– unreliable, cheats, violent, selfish,  demanding, uncaring and yada yada yada.

The feed back I got was from all social classes, from my dad’s maid to highly educated, rich women. I was blown away. Really. Case in point. My dad’s maid is very happy never to be ever married again. She was like ” what is the point eh Mrembo, I want my peace. I earn my money, I take care of my kids” . Her hubby has custody of her son while the daughters are with her people. As far as she was concerned a man had absolutely nothing to offer her. How old is she ..only 28. The way she feels is that as far as men go, “I have been there, done that, got the story and they ain’t got nothing I want.

Case two: I am at Kenyatta market getting my hair done. Hubby rings me, we chat a little bit. I hung up. A while later girl doing my hair asks me ” ebu nikuulize, mapenzi ya wazungu na waafrika, si ya wazungu ndiyo mzuri kushinda ya waafrika? ( let me ask you, between white men and African men, who is a better man at loving (she was not speaking about bedroom matters). I was taken aback and tried to laugh it off and responded saying it has nothing to do with the color but everything to do with an individual. A man be a man be a man despite his color. You should have been there to hear the rest. Two ladies were doing my hair. They begun to laugh saying which Kenyan man would just ring his wife up to chat. So I asked if they ever rung thier men just to say hi and “umekula lunch sweetie?” The looked at me like I was mad. Started saying how they could never ring a man. On and on they went story after story of how men are hopeless. Examples drawn from their own lives.

One of them made me laugh saying how a guy can be employed as a chef but when he gets home, even when he sees the water for ugali boiling over, he will not even lift his little finger to help as the wife chases the kids around.  I kept arguing that there were good men. They concluded I was lucky to be married to a muzugu. Part of me was disgusted by this thinking and guess what, I kept getting that “you are lucky your man is a muzungu” from a number of people.

So comes this man selling groundnuts and I decided to include him in our discussion and asked him if he ever helps his wife at home. Dude made us laugh. He was like, “kwanza me, my wife is just in awe at the type of man I am. If she is cooking and she realises she needs something from the shop, I will help her finish cooking. And she does not even have to ask me, I just help her. If she busy, I supervise the kids. But I have seen those kind of men you ladies are talking about.. I know them. It’s all about an individual” he concluded.

I looked at the ladies and I was like “mwaona.. it all depends on an individual” They were not convinced.

For the rich ladies the story was  “if it was not for these kids, I would have been outta here a long time ago. Now God, religion and my girlfriends are my comfort”. Yes they have the money, the house, the car, the kids go to the good schools but the man is a lying cheating dog. Has made another woman pregnant or man is stingy with the money. Yani endless stories.

Me I was left thinking ala! it’s how here. Cause I gotta a good man. I ain’t even bragging. I kept wondering what made us stand out and you know what. There is not “this is how we did it” I think we just got lucky.  Just plain old dumb luck and a lot of hard work  because we both want to make “this” work. But ultimately when I look at it.. I begin to believe Big Al and I just got lucky and for that I am eternally grateful.

So guys come on stand up and testify. Prove that the good man exists. Really, you gotta be there.. you just have to be.