A few things about me

Archive for the ‘Selfish rants’ Category

How come?

I don’t like her. Why? Can’t even tell you why. Not that she has done anything to me. Infact she has been nothing but friendly and nice but still I don’t like her. It’s hard to admit this since I consider myself a decent person. I just don’t not like people. But her, something about her rubs me the wrong way, a vibe, an air that she gives off that totally makes me not like her.

Am I jealous of her. That is the only other plausible reason. I try to be nice around her, infact I sought put myself in her space, a weird compulsion, but I do. I guess it is true, instict and all. My first impression of her, the very first time we met was “bitch, stupid and naive”. That was after listening to her, yet the lady who introduced me to her calls her friend. So again I ask

“Mrembo baby, are you jealous? Is it because she has “a seemingly better life, whatever that means. Is it because she seems not to have suffered, or is it her air of entitlement!”

All I know is that I don’t like her and I think my suspcisons of jealousy are the root cause and that totally IRKS me cause I DON’T DO JEALOUSY!

What happy Easter

So far my Easter has sucked. Good friday I got some “YUCK” news from home.. which had me on the phone back and forth with mum trying to sort things out, blowing my phone bill budget to hell. (I am trying to get my foreign calls under control; all this savings and living within your means stuff)

Then Big Al has been working through it all. Big project hand in on Tuesday.. so you can imagine.. no hubby, no help.. just me and baby.

Then baby was misbehaving thursday and friday. Tantrums the works. And not just at home.. but in town.. when I took him to the free park which has semi-wild deer and pigs and other animals. He is 2 years old. He thinks every animal is to be petted like his grandmother’s dog. So he goes off running towards these deers trying to pet them. They start hissing.. I pull him away.. he throws himself of the ground  screaming his protest at being taken away from the animals. All the other kids are perfection.. there I am chasing this 2 year old.. swearing to myself how I am will kill him when we get home.  We lasted less than 15 minutes at that place.. I was like “no way this boy is going to embrass me like this”

🙂

I was in a tiff when we got home. Then he starts acting up. On the way home I was like “Mrembo this is all your fault. You are lax on your discipline and he needs to understand “no” one time and one time only”

So I start enforcing the NO…sweet Jesus.. the tantrum.. wacha tu.. but I was determined to win. it involved me saying no.. him throwing himself on the floor screaming his head off. By the time Big Al showed up both baby and I were drained. So Thursday is gone, Friday whole day spent doing the same.. though I took him to the indoor playground for 2.5hrs.. let him get some steam off. Come back home.. repeat the battle of wills. Then at 9.00pm he spikes a fever, vomiting.

In the meantime I have been in a mood since the phone calls.. .. also in a tiff because hubby aka my best friend is working over Easter and yes I know he has to work and it’s not his fault.. but the irrational part of me is pissed of because.. it’s Easter.. I have 4 days at home.. can we not spend it as a family bonding… noooooo work… I hate work! So yeah.. I’m in a mood.. and he picks on the mood. I deny I am in a mood about his work. Cause what’s the point of burdening him with it. He senses I am pissed, if I acknowledge it.. then he gets into a mood and is zero productive at work.. and things will just get shitty. And he is also feeling guilty about working over Easter cause he KNOWS it’ aint right.. but deadline’s a deadline.I Acknowledge the mood about the phone calls. The phone call mood ended Friday morning..but the work thing.. (work has been an on going “issue” in this house).

then to top it all by end of Friday I have not managed to accomplish a single thing I had drawn up on my “to do Easter Break list” things like “hang up new curtains” “clear out baby’s room” “sort out clothes wardrobe”

Today has been easier baby wise…. cause all morning he was still feverish.. so energy levels were nearing zero levels. There still a lingering mood in the house. I manage 3 hours of alone time in town.. shopping 4 baby shoes, groceries and browsing. I see all the shoes I want and can’t afford.

The day ends well. Baby falls asleep next to me on the couch at 7.15pm. I buy an e-book (was crap), I read some school book chapters, Big Al hangs up the curtain (lots of cursing and muttering involved…me I am in the sitting room away from all of it….)

Crappy EAster.. I k now. Loooking forward to summer break.

I still have Sunday and Monday there’s still time to Easter to redeem itself

Hope you had a great one

Angry Loneliness

This post was not going to happen. Earlier this evening it had been shaping itself in my head. As it grew I decided not to post. Too much negativity was what I thought. I shut down the computer, watched the end of Grey’s Anatomy (I cannot stand Izzy and O’malley ugh! And Grey ugh, ugh, ugh …. stupid chick, you have a man get with it already…… why the heck do I watch the show). I tried to go to bed. My butt touched the mattress and I realised I was carrying too much anger that needed to get out; so here I am.

I have been feeling angry and lonely. Let me explain. The anger is easy. I do not function very well without sleep. I can go about my day to day stuff, but my emotions, primarily my baser emotions come to a head quickly. The last few days have been tough. Thankfully Baby has been excellent during the day. He is so cute by the way. Giving me kisses and greeting me “Hiiiii” when he walks into a room. Big Al being away has meant I have been on parenting duty round the clock without a break, hence the anger. To all the single mums/dads, I salute you.

I said I have been lonely. Not lonely for a man kinda loneliness. I gotta a man. But lonely for “real life friends and social life lonely”. When I went home in Dec 07 it became glaringly obvious what kind of social life I miss while here in DK. I miss going for weddings, funerals, engagement parties, girlfriend stuff. I miss going to my aunties for tea, inviting cousins over for a drink. I just miss plain old Ugandan social life. This loneliness usually comes and goes but recently is has been visiting for a bit longer, making me really look at my life here and ask some really hard questions. The only consistent thought is “I don’t know how long I can do this” “Will it ever change”. England was not so bad with regards to social life. I had a few friends and work colleagues and that fulfilled “social needs”. Life here has been too isolated.

I am back to my drawing board looking at the pros and cons of being in Denmark vs Uganda. Then I think. Ok if this is the price I am going to pay for having moved here, then let me at least have a freaking good house. Let me use the little money we have so far and furnish my house the way I want. We can’t yet buy a house. I need to start work for that to happen. I am starting work in August(don’t ask me what kind of work but I WILL. With that thought in mind, I went furniture shopping with baby. He was so well behaved, almost like he knew mommy is walking a thin line. I didn’t go to just any store.. (I am so through with cheapass stuff)….I went to a high end store and oooooh! oooh.. I fell in love. See I need a new living room set and carpet. A whole guest room set. I swear endorphins started flowing while I was in that shop. I saw my living room curtains, my Stressless sofas in leather, the guest room bed, wardrobes, bedside stool the works. I was salivating, my heart was pumping. Did I say baby was behaving. I could not believe it. It tickled me to think,just imagine Big Al comes home and I have got all this stuff in the house. God would he blow a gasket. Do I care!!! 🙂

Jesus save me!, I have morphed into one of those suburban…oops, I meant ghetto wives that shops. But that is what happens when something is missing and in this case it is a social life.

I was really angry. Angry because I am lonely and lonely because I don’t have the social life I had or want. Angry because I feel that the price is too high and the sacrifice too big and that I cannot do this anymore. Now I am just a little sad, feeling sorry for myself. I don’t give a shit if you think that I have it made and I should not be feeling sorry for myself. Its my party and I can do what I want!

Maybe it is time to live on the wild side. Let me go shopping tomorrow and see what happens. Oh almost forgot to say I found the skinny jeans I was looking for.

Totally pathetic is it not… I shop to feel good.

For all you wondering about being lonely yet she is married has a kid yada yada yada.. … just keep on yada yada-ring.. some things are way beyond your understanding.

That feels good!

Tonight, I just need to be a self-pitying, ungrateful, tired, angry, lonely African Woman trying to make it here in Denmark. Sometimes life can really suck. Tomorrow I will be grateful and positive.

Goodnight.